i keep oscillating between leaving this up and taking it down - depending on my mood. I don't particularly want anyone reading it, i also don't necessarily mind if they do, it just depends on who those people are.
recently, it was my birthday, and i was so angry, i couldn't even fathom the thought of giving someone, anyone, specific people access to my private thoughts. It's not fair - this is something that has to be earned. You don't just get me for free. I'm worth a whole lot more than that. It's not fair that you get to read my thoughts, admissions, emotions and don't have to give anything in return.
i'm still working through that anger. Anger that we could both invest so much and you could just throw it away. i thought that maybe you'd think it was my birthday and know for me it isn't over and maybe just maybe you'd send a two word text or email or 3rd party message. Something. Anything. It was stupid of me to want that, to wish for that, to expect that. I know that, but I'm still angry/upset. I'm grateful that Stacey is there for me, but I feel so guilty sometimes for burdening her. I think that you should feel that way too, sorry that you've put her through this. Sorry that she has to listen to me cry for an hour on my birthday and try to make me feel better. Better yet - just sorry - for ever being in my life if you didn't intend to stay forever.
Then days like today, i'm more reflective. Even if i'm angry sometimes, overall it still makes me feel better to write like this. There's something different about it being public, like it makes it more real somehow. It's hard to explain, but it seems like I can be more honest in a public forum and I feel accountable for what I say. I don't feel accountable for what I write in my journal. I could just make up anything and know one would know or care. If I say I'm going to kill myself here, at least there's the possibility that someone may read it and look for justification that I'm not crazy.....or know that I am.
I don't think i'm going to get over this as long as I continue to sleep with your dog, and little brian, and find myself either reliving past incidences as a i fall asleep, or dreaming up new ones. the dreams are not real, they wouldn't really happen in real life, even if i were completely being myself, i don't know how you'd make me trust you that way again - but somehow I ignore that part and pretend. and it really is great for a few minutes.
I have to start living in reality, I need to force myself to do this. Everytime I catch myself daydreaming and I need to force myself to focus on reality. Over and over again, even though it hurts, it's the only way to make it get better eventually. I have to deal with it.
My reality isn't the same as your reality. I just have to go over your reality time and time again - until I make it true for me.
What is your reality?
- you aren't in love with me, you probably never were
- even if you did see me, you wouldn't feel anything, definitely not anything similar to what i feel
- you can live, plan your future, be happy without me, you are happy with your life absent me
- whatever friendship you would want with me is outweighed by your desire to be with someone else
- you're not a bad person for being/feeling this way
- MD meets all of your mimimum requirements, i do not, you're not going to change your requirements for me
- it doesn't matter whether i think she's good enough, or whether i think you need to raise/change your standards, nothing i think matters, this is your life, even the best written legal argument will not change how you feel
- my feelings do not impact your decisions, my feelings are mine, your feelings are yours
