You said you aren't reading this anymore. I don't know if that's true. I guess I'll never know. I guess it doesn't matter, it doesn't really change what I say, I just wonder if you know about it or not.

I am sorry I didn't have the guts to tell you to your face that I was really done. I didn't know I was gonna get that upset. I keep reaching new limits to how much you can hurt me. And I'm sorry that I blame you, even though this was my decision. I blame you for letting me.

Whether you know it or not, I would never have given you up for a guy. I would never give Stacey up for a guy. If it came down to that, I love her and know her enough to know that she's must see something that I don't. She would also never ask me to give up something that was right for me.

I would never do that to you either. I just don't think she's right for you. I think you're both trying really hard to make it right, but I don't believe trying is enough. It doesn't matter that I'm sorry, or that I want to be with you, or any of that, but it does matter that she's not the one. I hope you don't stay with her just to prove me wrong - just so you won't have to admit someday that you made the wrong decision. I don't wish that kind of unhappiness on you.

But i do wish we could have had a chance to be happy. It's my fault we never had a chance before. And it's your fault we don't have a chance now. Seems like we're evenly to blame. I love you. The timing is bad. Sometimes people just can't get it together. I tend to think that if two people really love each other but they just can't get it together, they need to try harder - my only conclusion that you don't and never have really loved me.

That's fine. It's just something that's really hard for me to accept. I wasted a lot of time and a lot of myself on you. Generally I'm not very willing to do that - and right now I don't feel like I ever want to do that again. I don't want anyone to have the chance to hurt me as much as you did - you are - it's not like it's over. It's not like i'm just going to feel better. My best bet is to try to burn/drink/eat/not eat/whatever thoughts of you out of head. And pray that they go away quickly.

It's not like I haven't prayed for that already. Or more accurately prayed that I could understand why this was happening and what I needed to do. You think that just because I feel like that answer wasn't to let you go that I wasn't listening. Maybe you're not listening. Maybe you're not praying. Maybe you just want this to work out the way you've already decided is right.

Maybe that's why I don't think we can ever be friends. I have to forget about you to be okay. Forgetting about you is not synonymous with being friends again. And if I can get through right now, the worst time in my life, then I can get through life without you. It doesn't seem unfair of me at all to hold you to a high standard - if you're not there for me when I really need it, then forget it.
And you haven't been there for me for months.

I'm still angry at how easily I would forget everything and forgive you. How easily I would trust you to not hurt me. How easily I would fall into you. It hurts.