I thought I wasn't going to cry anymore

maybe it's different because i'm convinced this is permanent
and i didn't make this choice
i don't want this
i never wanted this
there's nothing I can do about it
i can't do anything differently than what I'm doing
I have to stand up for myself
that's all i'm doing
at some point I can't just let him keep hurting me

And now i'm alone
And I just don't get it
I don't get the purpose
I hate sleeping - I have bad dreams
Dreams about when I was happy
Dreams about what the future could be like
if there wasn't something wrong with me

I miss him so much.
I've been missing him for 4 months now.
When's it gonna feel better?