Some awkward things I've been keeping secret kinda pain me.

I'm not lying about them, but I'm definitely not volunteering any information.

I feel kinda guilty bc I know that I'm keeping it secret bc i'm afraid people will think i'm doing certain things for the wrong reasons, and maybe I am, but I don't want to be judged

I was going to a bible study for a while, it was non-denominational, everyone was WAY to liberal and annoying. Someone I met there invited me to a different group, and we've been going to that one instead. And it's a Catholic group.

Everyone there is great. And much more my speed. A couple of people have talked to me about going to RCIA. The leader, specifically, has a really great argument. It's just to learn - there's no requirement that I convert just because I want to learn more about the church. He's right. But i've still been struggling with this personally. I don't want to do this just because I somehow think that it will make things better with Brian.

Besides, I doubt that's true anyway. He wouldn't even know about it. All my friends are so hands off. Stacey and I had another minor tiff about it today. I don't want to encourage her to get involved - I want her to want to get involved. To me, it seems like if she really cared about me - she wouldn't be able to not get involved. I know I can't hold her to that standard, she's not me. But if it were me, and she were in this kind of shape - I would have inserted myself by now.

Even if she just found out how Brian was doing. I'm curious. It's one of those days where I have trouble being mad at him because I just miss him so much. I don't know why I couldn't have realized how great things were when I had the chance - when we were still friends.

I wish he knew how much I missed him.

I'm tired - I just can't stop thinking about this.

Better luck tomorrow.