today's email

Everyday it's becoming more and more clear

Obviously I've done some things that I regret

mistakes I guess you could say

One of them was really not realizing the full implications

of this way of life

a smart person would have known

that really i would rather have brian in my life

in some way, any way

rather than no way

talking to him once a month

is better than not talking at all

even though it didn't seem that way at the time

it seemed like maybe this would get it out of my system

but that's not true

it just makes me depressed

it doesn't mean i don't want more

but something is better than nothing

and right now I really want

need

something

someone to share life with

it's hard when i'm this stressed

work, the bar, daniel, my dad

it's overwhelming a lot of the time

when you add brian stress

i worry it might kill me

or just give me an ulcer