what i want to say

today i wanted to email you

really badly

i'm still thinking about it

but here's what I would say.

First, I really miss you.

Second, I forgive you for not feeling the same way I do. It's really not your fault - of all people I should know - you can't make yourself feel a way that you don't. And it's always impossible to really understand how terrible the other person feels. I can't expect you to understand. But this I can get over. This i can move past - and I'm working on that. If I'm not the one thing you can't stop thinking about. If i'm not the image that pops into your head when you're trying to fall asleep. If there's nothing cloudy about it. If that's really the case, even if I disagree, I can get past this.

On my end, I have to let myself get over it. I have to force myself to believe you. But it's hard when you do things that make it hard for me to believe you. I hear your words, I see your actions, but somehow it's not enough. I guess what I expect is for you to be so happy and excited about her that you want to force her on everyone you care about; constantly talk about how great she is; how much we will love her; that you want others to see and feel whatever it is that you see. I've never felt like you felt like that. It's never outwardly really seemed like you actually care about her. I'm not saying you don't. I'm saying that I can't see it - and it makes it harder for me to let go of it.

Or maybe it's not that at all, maybe it's just because it's me, maybe it's personal... bring us to the third point.

Third, I don't forgive you for the way you have treated me and continue to treat me. I want to, but I just can't yet. It's hard to forgive someone who's just not sorry.

This is not how you treat a best friend. You don't give up on them when things get rough. The only reason to do that is if you didn't care about them that much in the first place. It feels like you're just hiding from your problems instead of dealing with them. This was never at a point where it couldn't be fixed, it just got to a point where you didn't want to fix it. I can't beg you to care, or to be my friend, or to show me why you're new "friend" is so great. I also can't beg you to do things to soften the blow just a little bit for me - like to personally tell me about big news before I see it on the internet. I can't beg you to be a good human being. Deep down, I know you are - the Brian I know would never have done this to a friend. And would be sorry about it. And would try to fix it. I just don't understand what happened to that person.

I acknowledge my part in this - that I've been a jerk and didn't act at all like a best friend. But that doesn't mean it wasn't there. Losing your stuffed dog is just a metaphor for the way I always treated our friendship. I didn't care about it enough to make sure it didn't get lost. I didn't protect it, or make sure I knew how it was going, I didn't cherish it or us enough. And I feel terrible about that. The best change I can make is to not do that in the future. But I can't fix the past. I keep hoping that if I find the dog, that will somehow mean that I can fix it.