I want to forgive you
But it's hard for me to let go of all the things you missed in my life
And all of the things i missed
It's hard to forgive you for not being sorry
And not really getting it
But i still want to forgive you
So badly
To wake up in the morning without this shadow over my head
Without these worries, nightmares, hopes, dreams, wishes
Without fear

The acceptance that
Now you really are just someone that i used to know
is hard to bear

and everyone says I should be fine with it
people grow apart, go separate directions
but i'm not fine with it, it's not okay
It still feels like something is missing
Something worth grieving for
Something I can't shake

I'm guarded, people don't realize that about me
I don't really let people in - And I let you in
Not quite all the way, not in the way I should have
but I was working on it
It doesn't matter that it wasn't apparent to you
I....let you in
I've never really had to let go of someone before
It's terrifying
I don't know how
It really feels like you died
Like someone that you love, that you're really close to, that you share everything with
just died

And makes me wish that I died

Only you're not dead.
And neither am I.

I don't want to see you.
I want this fight in me to be over.
I don't want to fight with you.
I want this feeling to dissipate.
I don't want to be crushed by the weight
any longer.
I want to be free of it.

I don't want you to think there's something wrong with me.
Or that I'm a bad person.
I want you to understand me.
Care about me.

And be the person that I used to know.

You are that person.  I just think you lost something somewhere along the way.

4/10/12 -RAL