It's so much easier to see others' potential than your own.
I look at you and know how much you could do, what you could be, how many people you could affect.
It's hard not to be jealous.
It's hard not be angry at you for wasting it.
Taking the first step is the most difficult.  Letting go of your security blanket.  Standing on a limb - even if you end up standing there alone.
Being alone isn't the scariest thing I can think of.  The scariest thing I can think of is falling short of the life God planned for you because you were too scared to take a risk............

Yes, this is what I think I have done.  I sometimes think I've ruined my life because I was too afraid to take a risk.  Sure, I can take the kind of risk where I move out to California with no plan, but taking an emotional risk has been pretty much out of the question.

This blog is, and always has been, an emotional risk for me.  Even if no one sees it.  The chance that someone can see inside of me - know all of my weaknesses, insecurities, thoughts, prayers.  It's terrifying.

But it's what I feel like I've been asked to do.  Completely open myself up.  And take whatever consequences come my way.   Be honest, at any cost.

to be honest, the cost sucks.  opening myself up has cost me one of the best friends I ever had.  Not that I was a good friend, but someone who was a good friend to me.  Someone I'd like to emulate.  opening myself up has made me feel more insecure and rejected than I ever thought possible.  it's hard for me to understand god's plan in this.

It's devastating to think that this is what it takes for me to learn a lesson.  I know I have tons of other lessons to learn, I don't look forward to them if they're this hard.

Everyone has things they have to bear.  Maybe mine is really the knowledge of how badly I screwed up and knowing that I'll never have the opportunity to fix it.