Do you know how it feels to be lonely even when you around other people?  Or to actually be alone and realize that what you want more than anything is to have someone you can call who will just be on the phone with you, even if you have nothing interesting or important to say?

I'm still not used to not having that.  And some days it's hard.  I spent around 12 waking hours by myself today.  I know that a lot of people really enjoy their alone time, and I'm more than capable of occupying myself when I have things to do, but after a few hours I get really lonely.  My gut reaction is to pick up the phone.

Today I picked up the phone and realized that I didn't have anyone to call.

I have to make myself realize that this is my life.  This is how things are.  This is who I am and where I am.  I've been ignoring and avoiding it for so long.  I'm still shocked my how few calls I get and how little I use my phone.  I'm still so used to being that person who talks on the phone a lot.  It's been a really long time.  It's been more than a year - I really have to start getting over this and moving past it.  I just don't really know how.

I don't want to be lonely.  I don't want to be alone.  At the same time, I'm not interested in making new friends.  I'm definitely not interested in dating.  It's not that i'm actively trying not to be interested in these kinds of things, I'm just not.  It takes so much effort, it's so exhausting.  And I'm worried that it won't be worth the effort in the long run.  I can't invest years in someone and not have them be around forever.  In the dating front, I don't have years to invest in anyone.  I have maybe two, or three max.

It's probably a little bit of depression - but I don't want to see a therapist, I don't need to talk about it.  I talk about it enough already.  And i'm smart enough to come up with what they will say on my own.  I don't want to take any medication - I don't like the way it makes me act, or feel, or gain weight.  It's not a problem right now, it's just something I have to deal with that's always there a little bit.  There's not anything that a doctor can do for me.

I know that I just need to accept the reality of how things are and be fine with that and move on with my life. I know that.  I just can't figure out how to do it.  I don't feel like this is real - I don't believe that this is real - I don't want this to be real.  

I pray about it.  And i feel like I keep getting pulled back toward Brian no matter how much I try not to.  I don't know why God is doing this to me.  For the longest time, I've chosen to believe that it's because things are going to work out eventually and I need to keep up some hope, but days like today it feels like a cruel joke.  What did I do to deserve this?  I could have been a better person, I could have tried harder, I still could, but so many people are far worse.  It doesn't seem fair that I have to deal with this.  It doesn't seem fair that I can't just let this go.

There seem only two real options.

Maybe what I feel like is true, really is true.  There's some kind of connection there that can't be broken easily.  Maybe he'll always wonder what if and think about me.  Maybe he's too afraid not to make safe and by all accounts correct choices and to go out on a limb and find out what could be.  He seems so hurt by me - maybe he just can't stop holding on to that.  The worst part, is if all of that is true, and he still marries her.  Having second thoughts and not acting on them, not being willing to take a chance, would be the true tragedy.

Or maybe I'm crazy.  Maybe there's no hand of God in this, or in my life at all.  Maybe i'm just alone and I have to climb out of this all by myself.  Nothing that can comfort me or make it easier.  I just have to crawl through until eventually one night I fall asleep with Brian not on my mind.  That would be the start of a new life.  Brian's new life has already started - I need to not be left behind.  Maybe he's happier than he ever thought possible and I don't weigh on him.  I wish that kind of happiness on him, the kind that comes with no regrets.  Maybe he has that.

The longer you have to wait for something, the more you appreciate it when it arrives.  The harder you have to fight for something, the more priceless it will become when you receive it.  The more pain you have to endure on your journey, the sweeter the arrival at your destination.  All good things are worth waiting for and worth fighting for.