I'm just trying to keep myself busy, and I'm doing a pretty good job of it. There's lots to do around here after moving and everything. Today I read a lot about control, and letting God be in control of your life. The idea sounds really easy, but the execution is far from easy. Just because God is in control, doesn't mean you don't have to work. Work, really, really hard. I think God just points in the direction of where your work should be focused. I am really thankful for my dad. He really did his best to teach me to work really hard for things and that I have to take responsibility for being lazy and not doing as well as I could. I think after I got 3rd place in the spelling bee in like 5th or 6th grade, he told me that he was happy I won a place, but that I could have gotten 1st place if I had put a little bit more time into it. I knew he was right. That's what makes things even more difficult now. It's hard for me to let go of the idea that there must be something I can do to fix this situation. It's hard not to believe that it's my fault. That I can't just try harder, do better, do more.... do something. I keep going over and over in my head the things I have done, good and bad, and trying to convince myself that options are exhausted. Sending that apology email was literally all I had left. And I did my best. It was sincere, with no exaggeration, and at least semi-private. I don't know what more I could have done. I don't know what more I could do. Dear Lord, Tonight I pray not only that you will help me to see that I've done all I can do, but that you will help me to accept that this is an okay resolution. I pray that you please continue to be with Brian, and that you help him to forgive me and let go of any negativity. If there is anything that I can do, please help me to know. I'm trying to do my best, but I know it's not good enough. It's never good enough. Please forgive me for failing to live up to your standards, and help me to try harder tomorrow. In Jesus' Name Amen