Question of the Day:  What is your biggest fear and how have you (or are you planning) to face it?

I think that a lot of times it's hard to acknowledge your true biggest fear.  It's scary to really think about it and admit it.  At some point you have to identify it, give it a name, and put it out there so that it no longer has power over you and can't control your life.  

I know that my biggest fear is rejection, but until recently I haven't really thought about all the ways that fear of rejection has been holding me back in life.  

I can think of tons of examples of how I let fear of rejection get to me - it's the reason i'm nervous in job interviews, it's the reason i can be so clingy with friends sometimes, it's the reason i don't date/relationships have not worked out well for me, it's the reason i don't like being an attorney, it's the reason i want need everyone to like me.  Really, it's the reason I'm not as happy as I could be. 

If i wasn't so afraid of rejection, I would be able to speak up at job interviews and explain all the ways I'm an asset to a job and all the fantabulous things I could do for any company.  I feel like not getting the job is less of a rejection if they didn't get to see the real me.  At least they couldn't reject the real me.  And that would hurt a lot worse than just rejecting the base version they got to see.

I guess it's the same as holding Brian at an arm's length.  If you don't really get all of me, you can't reject the real me.  It's not that I don't want to share myself with people, I'm just terrified.  And it takes me way too long to get over being terrified.  Being naked means that I might get laughed at for being ugly or deformed or something.  Keeping clothes on is safer.  Being into sex means that someone might judge me or think what I'm into is gross.  Or worse yet, think that I'm gross.  

I just don't want to allow anyone to get to know me and then not like me.  At some point, I was really close to letting someone all the way in - and then I was devastated.  I don't know if I can even try that again.  It just feels like the most embarrassing and depreciating thing that could possibly happen.  

It's been hard for me to explain how this hurts so much.  It really is just the rejection.  Being as close as I've ever been to going all the way and getting rejected.  Not just rejected, but rejected and turned away.  When what I just need is a hug and to be told that it's not my fault - it's not because I'm fat, ugly, stupid, weird, deformed, trailer trash, unlovable, boring, mean, or useless.  I try to tell myself that, but I'm just not convincing enough.  Over time, I keep going back to the list and trying to figure out exactly what's wrong with me.  Exactly what it is about me that makes me not good enough or deserve to be rejected and turned away.  

I'm not sure how I manage to keep any hope at all considering all of this.  I think, first and foremost, I just hope that someday I can have the confirmation that I desperately want that there's nothing wrong with me.  Nothing that caused this.  And maybe that will make it easier for me to let go of some of my fear of rejection.  

This is a bad plan to face it and I know that.  It relies too heavily on someone else to fix me.  And it's just a limited purpose fix anyway.  It's stupid to just need someone to lay by me and touch my face and repeat over and over that I'm great.  I'm better than that.

But that's still all I really want.  

I'd like to see some other people really honestly answer this question.  Too bad I never will.