I will forget what you said to me.
I will forget what you did to me.

I won't forget the way you made me feel.

Looking for someone who loves me at my worst. Not just at my best.

It sucks that I always thought I had that. And I was really wrong. I hope it exists somewhere.

I thought I wasn't going to cry anymore

maybe it's different because i'm convinced this is permanent
and i didn't make this choice
i don't want this
i never wanted this
there's nothing I can do about it
i can't do anything differently than what I'm doing
I have to stand up for myself
that's all i'm doing
at some point I can't just let him keep hurting me

And now i'm alone
And I just don't get it
I don't get the purpose
I hate sleeping - I have bad dreams
Dreams about when I was happy
Dreams about what the future could be like
if there wasn't something wrong with me

I miss him so much.
I've been missing him for 4 months now.
When's it gonna feel better?

Day 2:

I managed to keep myself distracted a lot of the day with grocery shopping and cleaning and doing laundry and such. It's just hard to have the motivation to do anything. I don't really want to get out of bed. Today, Stacey made me.

Now Stacey's asleep, and I'm just sitting here and I can't figure out what to do with myself.

I'm just trying to figure out what the purpose of my life is. Not that I want to be be dead or anything, I just want to stop feeling dead inside. It doesn't matter what I do, it doesn't feel worthwhile. I'm pretty sure I could stay in my room for a month, and no one would really be affected. Nothing I do makes a difference.

Apparently this feeling is supposed to just go away at some point. I hate that answer. I don't want it to just go away, I want to fix it. I want to know that it's not true. I don't want to be ticking days off the calendar til I get to 90 to see if I have to book an appointment at the loony bin.

And i wonder why I live in a world where anything is possible, where I still have dreams of this working out.

It's all the media's fault.

what i want more than anything right now is for this to be hurting him as much as it's hurting me
for it to feel like death and stabbing and awful

maybe feeling that awful can bring clarity
i'm really not a bad person
i'm really not always a jerk
i'm really capable of so much more

One day down, a million more to go.
At least I was busy enough at work to not breakdown.

I just keep hoping this isn't real.