i keep thinking about what i wanted this weekend to be
i need a distraction
i'm trying really hard
i wish he knew

I miss my daddy.
i can't wait to see my family soon.
which is so weird, b/c i never get along with them that well.
i think i'm just kinda lonely
i have lots of friends
they just all have other things to do
like spouses
so i talk to daniel more
and wendy more
and my mom more
at least i know they're always there
which is comforting
even my moms annoying text messages are good sometimes
it's better than not getting text messages
it's just weird how much my life has changed
i can leave my phone at home all day
and not miss it, or miss anything

maybe i'm feeling a little bit better
but really i think i'm just feeling less
more numb
not really caring
just getting up and going to work
and doing it over and over again
well i guess that's untrue
i was happy most of the day yesterday
but it disappeared as soon as i had the free time
to remember
how much i miss my best friend

this is depressing me
maybe i'll write later
if i feel like iti keep trying to write more
like i was told to, b/c it's supposed to help
i just don't feel like it most of the time

Spent the entire day getting ready for my appointment tomorrow. First, I reevaluated my goals for this week with regard to being the person I want to be, second, I took my homework seriously and have been working on my 1/3/5 goals all week. I've been putting off the stuff I have to do from last week still, finishing my apologies, and making them public. Being open with these things is the hardest, this is my first step, at least some random guy in Germany may click on this and know my thoughts. I will work on my accountability for next week.

For this week:
1. Answer my phone as much as possible when it rings. Return all calls immediately upon receipt of voicemail. This shows love for others by being considerate of their time, being obedient to my bosses, and giving my best effort at my job.

2. Volunteer to assist coworkers when they are overwhelmed even if I have a lot of tasks to do on my own. Be encouraging and sympathetic even if I am personally frustrated with my work. But be careful about overcommiting. Do not make any promises to do things that I cannot actually keep. Honestly evaluate how many extra tasks I can take on.

3. Be myself. Independent of pressure or worrying about how others may perceive of me. This one is the hardest. I have to keep reviewing my self-description and praying for help accepting myself for who I am.

----
One Year Goals (Family, Career, Personal)
- Engaged
- Taken (and passed) the Missouri bar exam
- Living in STL
- Working a full time job as an attorney, where I feel like I am helping people/positively contributing to society
- volunteering with children, low income, causes I support
- part of a bible study group that meets weekly
- run a half-marathon
- Reach a healthy and final 150 lbs.

Three Year Goals
- Volunteering on a weekly and continuous basis in a teaching area with teenage kids.
- Married
- Have a kid or one on the way
- Buying a house
- have taken a 10 day minimum European vacation
- have received a job promotion or increase in responsibility
- have run a marathon
- participate in a local (stateside) short-term mission opportunity

Five Year Goals
- 3-4 children, consider adoption
- take time out for family vacation every year
- another promotion/increase in responsibility
- participate in a short term international mission opportunity

I've gotten so good at this one, the words come out similar every time. Doesn't make me mean it any less:

Heavenly Father, thank you for loving me, all of us, and wanting each to experience a full life, a life with you, and each other. Please comfort me in my despair and loneliness. You, who have all wisdom and understanding, You watch me as a fail to live up to your ideals, and you forgive me. Please continue to forgive me. Help me to be willing to accept my own responsibility in this broken relationship, help me seek and want forgiveness and to extend forgiveness to those who hurt me. Help me to never retaliate when I feel wronged. Help me to make the right choices, choices that exude love for others. Help me to realize and accept that forgiveness and renewal of relationships takes time, but renewal does come. I pray that it comes quickly. Please help us to work through our differences and be reunited. When the time is right, please put your words of love into my mouth, and help me to speak them. Please inspire the one I love to see and hear the truth in my heart. Open my eyes so that I may understand what is required of me to restore the intimacy we once shared, only more complete, with you at the center. Help me to demonstrate patience, kindness and love in all my actions. And if this is not your will, please help me to see the path that is. I ask this in the Lord's Name. Amen.

I can't help but hope that considering how much I think about you
that some of the time you're thinking about me too
it just feels right
like about 10am this morning
or maybe I'm just imagining it

why does everyone have to bail when things get difficult
there isn't a problem that can't be solved if you want it bad enough

i hate my bible study group
every week it just makes me think about you more and more
about all the things that could have been different
should have been different
if i had just let them
or you hadn't given up

regardless
i really miss you
and it's not getting better
i think i gave away my heart
and didn't get it back

"In my opinion the best thing you can you do is find a person who loves you for exactly what you are. Good mood, bad mood, ugly, pretty, handsome, what have you, the right person will still think the sun shines out of your ass. That’s the kind of person that’s worth sticking with."

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=244661