Thursday, May 12, 2011

don't care if you read this, but I'm writing it for me. Not for you. I'm not censoring my thoughts at all - you can't hold anything that offends you against me. If you plan on doing that, you can stop reading now.
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I can't stop comparing myself to Michelle. I know she must have some great things about her, how else could she win Brian. Everything I compare, I just can't see it. I want to know something good about her - something that makes her worth all of this. I just can't see it.

I know I've really hurt Brian in the past - apparently much worse than I really knew. I am really sorry about that. It really hurts me to realize how selfish and stupid I've been. But I don't want to be that way anymore. Now I understand how it feels, and it's really unbearable to be the one getting hurt.

It seems like Brian would understand - he's been there. He knows every single little thing that would have made him feel better. That's a lot of power. But still he can't do any of them. He's put up a giant wall between us that I can't break down. And that hurts even more. Just because I may have said i wanted to be friends, or i was looking for something more, i'm not sure that I actually ever meant it. And the hurtful part is that he means it. He really is okay with just being friends with me - that's enough for him. And that's the part I can't stop crying about.

I'm not asking for the world - I just want to stop time for a couple of days and see what could be. Maybe it's better than your wildest dreams.

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