So, i don't know how private this is anymore. But i'm going to pretend like it is today - maybe longer. I don't know.

Even though Brian doesn't say it, I feel like he's asking me to stop. just stop. And then talk about my day. what do i have to say if i spent the whole day thinking about how I wanted to be talking to him? I really just don't think i have anything to talk about except for this right now. And i don't want to be that person. I'm disgusted by that person. I'm disgusted by myself.

It does comfort me to know that he's been sad about it too. But then I wonder why, what was he missing out on? Is there something he can get from me that he can't get elsewhere? I'm surprised he wasn't just too busy to notice that we didn't talk all weekend.

I think accepting his friendship right now is even harder b/c i've realized all the friends I have, I don't really need another friend. I need someone to be my brian wallisch. weird phrase. something i wrote in my journal about him years ago.
Why the hell am i so dumb.

Just tell him what he needs to know to make me stop. Tell him that he needs to completely break me and make me hate him. That's the only way. I'm sure i would stop hating him eventually. Something to make me stop sitting here waiting for the shinyness to wear off, waiting for them to discover each other faults and decide if they can deal with them. Hoping they can't. Praying they can't. Praying this is all an elaborate hoax.