goodnight

why does everyone think i:m crazy and don:t know what i:m talking about. i"m sure
i've never been more sure about anything in my entire life.
it's not like i jumped into this.
it's the opposite actually.

i'm trying to spend my time reading and studying, but all of this keeps bringing me back around to the same solution. That i'm right. That i can't imagine anyone better for me than him - the problem is that i'm sure there is someone better for him than me. Someone better, someone more appreciative, someone nicer. Nice - that is what he said about her. Perfect.

I guess it doesn't matter. I can find other ways to be happy - I'm going to fully concentrate on finding a new job and getting as far away from here as possible. I think being surrounded by my friends in stl would help me at least forget momentarily about how shitty i feel. I have a lot of friends there, who actually like me for me, and aren't looking to replace me the first time they get a chance. i think i could at least pretend to be happy there.

tomorrow i'm going to sit down and make a game plan. look for jobs to apply for, start planning on when the application to take the missouri bar is due, figure out how much it costs and budget for it, and also talk to stacey again. she knows i'm considering this, but i need to let her know how serious i actually am. i would like to stay here long enough to go to hawaii - i owe that to bryan at least, he already has put money into it. and i do think it will be fun - that is if i can just let go of all of my bad feelings and have a good time.

i keep thinking about how i almost bought a ticket to go to denver this weekend. i would be getting home right now. i can't help but think that maybe that would have changed things, fixed things, i don't know. I shouldn't have backed down from it just because i was afraid - there's nothing to be afraid of. things couldn't possibly have been worse than they are right now.

i have a box i need to send to brian - i'm a little freaked out about sending it now, but i don't want to keep it, it just reminds me of how bad of a person i am and how i should have made more of an effort to make sure i got it to him on time. it's going to be awkward, he's going to think the random stuff in there is stupid, and i'm not there to explain any of it. i wrote the card a long time ago - i can't even quite remember what I said - hopefully it's nothing that makes me look too dumb now. i guess it doesn't matter -i'll never know how stupid he thinks it is anyway.

I need to make myself go to sleep. i have to focus on work tomorrow - even though i'm planning on quitting soon, i need to put my best into it now. I am determined to try to focus on work. i am also determined never to cry at work again. i'm bigger than that - i have control over my emotions. i just don't know what's been wrong with me lately. At least it has one good consequence - i lost 7 lbs this week. Let's hope for another week like that and things will be great.

Until tomorrow.