I'm surprised erica and i agree so much. considering that we don't even talk, we have a similar first impression.

for brian's sake, I hope that first impression is wrong. I want him to be happy. Everyday I pray that we can both me uncontrollably happy. I also pray that I will be willing to let him be happy at my expense if that's what it requires.

I haven't ever given him that much - this is the biggest thing I can give him. It's just really hard for me to be that good of a person - I will keep trying. I have to keep trying - it's the only thing that I have right now. Trying to be better - in everyway. Trying to be a better person, trying to be more self giving, trying to lose weight.

I think on some level I think that I'm just not good enough the way I am - the person that I am. And that i need to be someone else. I was really happy for a long time - and I weighed more than I do now.

I just feel like this has messed me up so much.