Is it a secret that I'm not getting over this?
I keep trying to make it a secret - but i don't hide things well.
It's just all hanging out there.

I don't really believe that I am going to get over it.
But i don't want to lose what little bit of brian i am allowed to have.
sometimes i really do think it would be better to be dead - even though i'm happier in general than i have been in a long time.

At least i haven't been crying lately. Well at least not when i'm on the phone. Mostly only at night, when i'm by myself and it's really dark and i feel like no one cares. And not even every night anymore. But it's not that it's getting better, it's that i'm getting better at controlling it.

I just feel really lonely all the time. I've never really felt this way before. I felt momentarily lonely - but not permanently alone.

I don't think this can be fixed. I don't know what to do.