Quitting on Me

I don't even know where to start. Emotions ran the full spectrum tonight.
I don't know how Brian feels about me, but i do know that he doesn't trust me not to hurt him.
I probably wouldn't trust me either.
But i'm reading, and studying, and learning, and I'm not sure I can figure out how you earn someone's trust - you just have to be trustworthy. I never promised him I wouldn't hurt him in the past, so i didn't cause there to be mistrust. No one can really promise you they won't hurt you - they can just try their best.

The real problem here is... I woke up one morning and decided he's the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. He's the person I want to have 6 children with (well not really 6, 4....I can adopt the other 2). I can't think of a better role model for kids, or someone I would rather spend all my days with.

That's not my style. And i can't even really say it out loud. It's ridiculous. I've always known I wanted this someday, but I didn't think this someday would come so soon.

Brian is right, Michelle and I are opposites. She wants to get married and have babies. I don't. I want to marry Brian and have Brian's babies. Very opposite.
And i would do it tomorrow - even if it required quitting my job and giving up everything. If that's what Brian really wanted; I think I could do it and make it work.

Two months - that's about how long I've been dealing with this already. That's not going to be long enough to fix it. All i can do is keep praying for things to feel better and for everyone to make the right decisions. Right now, it still feels like the right decision for me is Brian. In the movies when you lay it all out, they always choose you. When I say choose me, love me, be with me.... it has no effect. I guess life isn't like the movies, no matter how much I wish it was.