I need to do something for myself. I just can't figure out what it is.
Something to make me feel like I deserve to be alive.
Something to make me like myself.
Something so I can just be normal again - this isn't who I am.

I'm insecure about everything.
There isn't one picture from my recent trip that I don't want deleted.
I'm embarrassed by how disgusting I look in them.
I don't really understand how I can lose nearly 20 lbs and still look like that.
Guess the crazy diet is going to have to start again next week.
I keep hoping that another 20 will fix the way I feel about myself.

Even though I know it won't.

I need to stop writing on here.
Sharing makes me feel a little bit better.
And it's generally good for me.
But it's not good when Brian reads it.
It's a little too honest. There are some things I really should keep to myself.
Things that only make me look even more psycho than I actually am.
Things that make me look like a desperate freak who stays home alone all weekend freaking out and stalking people because she has no friends and stalking makes her feel in control.

Sometimes, scratch that, all the time, I just want/need to hear him say that he thinks I'm pretty, and that he thinks I'm good enough, and that he thinks I have a reason to be alive. What's so wrong with wanting/needing that sometimes, just to get through the dark times?

I wish I could sleep, but I just can't. I can't stop compulsively thinking about this. I can't stop compulsively picking myself apart. I can't make the voices in my head shut up and just let me rest. I'm so glad Stacey's going to be back tomorrow. She's the only thing that helps me keep it together right now. I know it's hard for her to carry that weight. I'm so thankful that I have her - the one and only friend I have that I can actually talk to about anything and rely on for everything. I used to think that I had two of those friends, but I really just have one. I shouldn't be greedy, some people don't even have one.

I still need to do something that will make me feel better about myself. I need to fast forward through this process. That I know is going to take a year or more. I just need it to be over. Resolution. I'm ready to watch the end of the movie now.