Last visit today – glad it’s over.
I talked about this morning. I talked about how I was seriously considering not going back to work. How quitting seems like the best solution.
Somehow I ended up back here.

I cried. It was embarrassing. I said that I didn’t want to do this. That I need Brian. That I don’t even feel like a whole person without him in my life. That I don’t want to get up in the morning. That I can’t go to sleep at night.
He asked me if trying to be friends solved any of these problems. I told the truth – No. I still feel that way. I just have hope that it can get better. That’s the problem. Things are the same either way, except for one way I have no ties and can try to get over it, and the other way I have hope – maybe false hope that things will improve.
Doc says, then why would you not choose hope? Is he crazy? Does he not understand that all that creates is disappointment? I’m disappointed again every day. And that’s not really an exaggeration. I cry over every little thing – every single time it feels like a new knife being stabbed into me. It’s not fair for me to have to feel this way. That’s why I would not choose hope.
Things don’t always happen the way their supposed to. There isn’t always a pretty little plan. I do believe that. I also believe that things happen the way they are supposed to and sometimes for reasons that we’re not capable of knowing. So don’t tell me things like this isn’t a good way to start something. Not that I think it is, but I also don’t think it matters. Things happen how they happen. There aren’t any rules.
And I guess this is the story of how we stopped knowing each other.