Today was draining. Crying always makes me emotionally drained though.

I'm going to try harder.
I'm going to try harder to let brian give this a try.
If it's really not right, then it won't work out, right?

Today, when Brian said that he was afraid he was going to get hurt, I had two instant reactions...
1. Feeling terrible for him. I don't want him to get hurt ever again. Not by anyone. I hope that doesn't happen to him. I'll kill the bitch.

2. Feeling selfish and upset that he thinks that way. If Michelle decided she didn't want to be with him anymore, he'd be single. And even if Brian did like me. I'd still be second choice. I'm not okay with being second choice. It's completely different if he decided he didn't want to be with her. So yes, I want them to break up, but no, I don't want her to break up with him.

Before next visit, I'm supposed to come up with what my perfect scenario would be, and justify every element of it.... I'm going to start trying this now, but it will probably be a work in progress.

In a perfect world, for me anyway, and not a perfect world, in a world where I still have to live with the negative repercussions of my past stupidity, but where things still end up going the closest to my way they can....here's what it would be like.

Brian can like Michelle. She can be great for him, all nice, and Catholic, and jinglyfeet. She can be a great person. But Brian would feel like there's something missing. He doesn't have to be quite sure what it is.

Brian can be distrustful of me. He should be. He should be worried about getting hurt. But when all is said and done, he decides that he wants to give us a chance... not because there's anything wrong with her, but because he wants something just a little bit more. And he'd be willing to take the risk of getting hurt, because the idea of going through the rest of life not knowing if it really could have worked out is unbearable.

I would try, but I would also mess up sometimes. Brian would tell me when i'm being a jerk. And I would argue. But i would try to stop. And sometimes I would succeed. And i would be happy because Brian makes me happy. And Brian would be happy - because I could make him happy if I tried. And you would be able to see it on his face.

And at some point we would have a very cute baby that everyone would be jealous of.

And the baby would end sentences with prepositions, just like me.

I'm really excited for Hawaii in a couple of days. I would be even more excited if I were going on this perfect vacation with Brian. I'm going to try really hard to be on my best behavior and not be all depressive and not cry.

I'm slightly worried that if the situation presented itself, I would do inappropriate things with Bryan. Not because I want to, but because I want those things to mean less to me. And I don't want Brian to be special to me. This sorta came up on Friday. It was really awkward talking about these kinds of things with someone I don't know. I just need to remember that acting out doesn't actually make anything that happened between Brian and I mean any less. And it doesn't matter is something temporarily makes me feel better because i will feel immensely guilt about it later.

I think I can remember that. I hope I can.