"You're not making me like you. You might break up Michelle and me, but if you did I wouldn't want to be with you."

I feel really bad about this statement, actually I can't stop crying about it. It's probably one of the meanest things that anyone could say to me right now. I'm going to try to think about this the way Dr. Lewis suggested - figure out the reasons for it. Since i'm crazy enough to need a shrink, I guess I should do what they say. This will probably get really personal, but I'll do my best to be honest.

It's frustrating because I don't feel like it's accurate. I'm not trying to make anyone like me - there is nothing likable about me. I've never really thought that there is - but it was nice that I used to think that Brian saw something good about me. Something that would make someone think i was good enough, and worth it. At first, I didn't really believe that he actually liked me - it took a while for it to really sink it, for me to believe it.

Before Brian, I'm pretty sure that anyone who acted like they liked me at all was just trying to see what they could get. Maybe i was really casual about making out with people, at some point I thought it would make people like me, actually like me, not just want me to sleep with them. I don't think that's true at all - but young people have weird ideas and thoughts. So do adults - I still think that people would like me better if i were thinner. I know it's illogical and wrong, but it's hard to break those thoughts.

Then college happened, and out of no where I end up having sex with a guy I don't even know. It's not an consolation to me, but it was terrible and only a few minutes. At the time I had no idea what I was thinking, I wasn't really prepared for the situation. I didn't want it to happen. I wasn't really asked. I didn't stop it, I didn't try to. I've always wished it didn't happen. And I swore it would never be like that again.

And i was fine until Brian. He convinced me that he actually liked me. I was comfortable from the beginning. There was something really adorable and irresistable about the way he talked to me. I couldn't say no. I didn't want to. But it really meant something to me. I wish I would have told him that. I wish I would have told him that I took it really seriously. I was so stupid. I don't use my words very well. I definitely never told him that I cared, that I wouldn't have sex with him if I didn't think that I loved him.

I wasn't sure what to expect - but the first time Brian came out to California, it was hard for me to ignore how much I wanted to be with him. When I think back, it actually ended up being one of my favorite times with him. For me, it kinda started over then. I still can't figure out what's wrong with me? Why didn't I tell Brian how I felt?

And i'm so awkward and uncomfortable. I used to really really hate being naked. Even though he doesn't know or get it, I got so much better. I resisted a little - but the last time we were together I was pretty willing to get in that shower. I've always been a little afraid to admit how much I enjoy being with Brian. It was a slow process, and never really good enough for Brian, but it felt huge to me. And again, I thought he knew that it meant more to me than just a good time. I should have said - I should have told him how I really felt. I should have done a lot of things, but now it's too late.

Right now it's hard because I know it's my fault. I know I messed up. Dr. L said it's normal to be really unhappy after your first real break-up and that some people never really get over what they consider their first love. I guess that's kinda what this is for me - for all intents and purposes, my first everything. Maybe that's partially why it's so different for Brian - he's done this before, he believes moving on is possible. Maybe it is for him. That doesn't mean it is for me.

I miss Brian. Terribly. I miss how nice and caring and thoughtful and sweet he always was to me. I miss the look on this face when he was happy. I miss his voice. I miss his warm body cuddling with me. I miss his hands - just holding mine, or wrapped around me. I miss him inappropriately.

I want him to come visit because I want it back so badly. Stacey and Dr. L agree that it's a bad idea. That i'm going to come out of an upcoming visit devastated. That I keep pretending like Brian can come out here and everything will just work out and everyone will be blissfully happy. There probably right - but I can't bring myself to admit that there isn't a chance. That there isn't something to remember - something that will fix it. I want to live in a world where happiness is possible. I can't admit that there isn't a chance. I just can't. It's too hard. But I really might be sitting myself up for complete and total devastation. I'm not really suicidal just because I feel like dying. I don't actually make plans or attempts, I'm not that crazy. Dr. L doesn't need to talk to me about suicide hotlines and not being alone if I'm really upset. I told him that. He said he was just trying to cover everything in case the situation changed. I don't think he believes me.

He asked me what I needed to do to fix my life. I said I needed Brian. He said it was the wrong answer, and I have to keep working on this until that isn't my answer anymore. I don't want to talk to him again. I don't agree with this philosophy.

What do I need to do to impress Brian? It's not like i've been trying. I don't want to have to try. but I will if it will fix things.

I want Brian to stay up all night and talk to me about this until I feel better. Or until he wants me more than anything in the world.

I need him to like me as much as I like him. I need our past to mean as much to him as it does to me. I need him to want to be with me forever. Starting today.