Today was the worst one yet. I really didn't believe that I could feel worse - maybe it's not worse though, it's just different.

Everyday I go to work a little later. I'm lucky that they are letting me get away with this, I'm lucky that I haven't gotten in trouble, or even worse fired.

It's not that i'm staying up too late, I just don't feel like getting out of bed, I don't really feel like doing anything.

Today I was just lying here thinking about contacting brian in some way - it's stupid, I don't know what I would say. Either something angry that would not be worth responding too, or something that just highlights how sad I am. Nothing has changed on my end, I'm not a different person, I don't feel differently so really there's no point.

Just because I miss him terribly - and realize more so everyday all the things that I liked to talk to him about. Just because I'm devastated not having the opportunity to know what's going on in his life. Just because I love him. Just because I don't necessarily agree with his decisions. Just because everything that doesn't matter.

The only reason I can rationally have for talking to him is if there's something different on my end. If i wake up a different person, if I stop wanting to die. That's not happening. If anything it's just getting worse, and I'm done talking about it to stupid shrinks, i'm done making stacey listen to it daily, I'm done telling the nonexistant world about here, I'm just done. So i just let it all sit inside of me and poison me.

I hate that I hate Brian. For ruining me. I don't think i'm ever going to be normal or like myself or be happy ever again. There's nothing that can fix it. Well that's not true - it can be fixed. But time is running out - there are only 20 days left. If the first 11 were this hard, I'm not ever I can make it through 20 more.

I pray that I somehow forget him tonight. Goodnight.