i wish today had been a better day
i've been pretty over emotional the entire day
i woke up and immediately remembered all the details of my dreams
this isn't something i can really help
i try to keep myself thinking about positive, good, nice things during the day
but at night i lose control

there's no need to rehash all the personal details, but one of my dreams was brian and i showering together. It wasn't really like any of the times we've done this in the past, at least not completely. Not that it was ever a bad thing, but my fantasy version is amazing. We were in my old apartment, and it started exactly like the last time he visited. I was my usual stupid self, insisting on getting in the shower fully dressed. The rest was completely different. I actually acted the way i've always wanted to act, and just let go of all of my inhibitions. I feel bad that i was always been rather inhibited with brian. it just never sank in. One of my biggest regrets.

Anyway, I was happy in my dream. Waking up, not so much. This isn't the kind of thing I need to be thinking about. I don't need to be thinking about these things ever, but I definitely don't need to be thinking about them in a fantasy version.

I proceeded to continue to be on edge most of the day. At one point I had a minor freak out. I just laid in my bed for a few minutes shaking - trying to figure out if i was upset or angry. I'm glad I have my stacey here to help me be rational and to get through things.

It was just a hard day.