I tried really hard today - it being the first day of a new year and all. I didn't cry. I didn't whine to Stacey. I just tried to let it go. The problem is, i don't know how people are supposed to just let things go - yes, i understand that you have to want to and I do want to. But at the same time, how can you just let something go when you feel that it's true to the very core of your existence?

I guess that sounds weird, but I don't know how else to explain it. Every part of me completely believes that Brian is making a huge mistake, it's like I can feel it in my bones - which is even weirder I admit.

How can something be wrong when it feels so right? I've been praying about this for months - the best criticism I can get is that I must not be listening to the answer, but I swear that i'm listening as hard as possible. I lay in bed every night, I'm never very good at words, but it goes something like this in my head...

...Sometime I feel like I may have missed the opportunity you placed in front of me to be happy. Please help me to understand the love I feel inside and to use it to further your plan. Please take my will and mold it to yours. Please help me to stop feeling this hurt and to start healing and if i must continue to feel this, please comfort me. Please help me to know your will in this - if i must learn, please open my heart so that I may be more willing to learn. I pray for them, that they are open to your word and that you speak to them so they may choose the right path. If they are on the right path, please allow me to feel joy and to let go of any negativity..... etc, etc, etc.

Everyday, without ceasing, i don't know or understand what else I'm supposed to do. Yet every morning, I still wake up with a certain belief that this is not the way things are supposed to be. That given a proper chance - with mutual effort and prayer - Brian and I could, should create magic.

I'm a stupid girl. I believe in magic. And that anything can happen. And that if i'm really good - and ask nicely enough, at night in my prayers - God will let me speak to Brian, in a way that he can hear me. Like I said, I'm a stupid girl. But I just can't shake this.

I feel like I'm exhausted everything I have - I've talked to friends, a counselor, my mom, God.

No one can help me - because my fundamental belief that Brian loves me can't be shaken. The counselor says - let's assume that's not true and work from their - WASTE OF TIME - we can assume that all you want, but I don't believe it - so it doesn't matter.

It's not that I don't have every reason to let go of that belief - I just can't - it feels truer than the sun rising in the east and setting in the west everyday. If someone told me to just assume the sun didn't do that, it would be hard to do that as well. I don't just believe it - something in me knows it.

Stacey's latest suggestion is that I really need to hear it from Brian himself - face to face. I said that's great - let's go to Denver. She refused. She said she was unwilling to deal with picking up the pieces after it sank in and that she didn't trust what I might do. Great.