i want to be a healer of the emotional variety
i would turn down the lights
add some music
massage away the pain
replacing it with the truth of how special you are
just think quietly to yourself
contemplate who you are
who you will be
the greatness inside of you
stop being scared of it
stop being scared of me
when a 10 is achievable
who settles for a 6
you deserve more
let me show you

It's been awhile. I've been busy.  Getting sworn in to practice law in Missouri was a big deal.
Passing the bar in Missouri was a big deal.  Even if no one thought it was.  Stacey promised me a mylar balloon.  She lied.  I've never gotten one of those balloons.  It's only like 2 dollars.  I wish someone thought it was a big enough deal to get me a balloon.  I guess I was the only one who was worried about passing.  I guess I should have been more confident about it.  Regardless, it's still a BIG deal.

I'm really nervous about this weekend.  I'm really stressed about work - multiple reasons.  First, last week I was out 1/2 day Monday and all day Tuesday with hearings.  I got home at midnight on Tuesday and worked all day Wednesday (until really like, like 8pm).  Then I was out all day Thursday and Friday for the bar swearing in and such.  Basically, I was gone the whole week.

My assistant Sabrina was out 1/2 day Thursday, all day Friday, and all day today (Wednesday).  Life is really really hard when she is out of the office.  There is way too much work for me to do alone, especially considering I'm still behind from last week and I have 5 hearings to prep for on Monday in Fort Collins.
I'm also stressed about giving my notice.  I'm planning to do it next Tuesday.  I'm scared.  I've never really quit a job before.

So stress plus nerves equals bad.  It makes me fat.  I hate this weight roller coaster of the last year.  I know that some people have it a lot worse and I shouldn't complain.  But I never really had the crazy emotional weight loss/weight gain issues until the last year.  I had lost so much weight at one point, now I"m unhappy at anything above that low.  And everytime I get stressed and nervous, things get out of control.

This is a lame thing to be blogging about.  I need to think of something more interesting.  Maybe later.

I really hope Brian shows up.  For the right reasons.  Showing up for the wrong reasons would be devastating. I'm glad I have Sunday to not get out of bed all day just in case.

i've been so busy lately
and nervous
that i can't really write
i can't wait for this to be over
but sometimes i think that's b/c i think magic is going to happen
i think everything is going to be perfect
or i just hope really badly
and if you want something bad enough
you can get it
if you are willing to work for it
and not give up

I want to forgive you
But it's hard for me to let go of all the things you missed in my life
And all of the things i missed
It's hard to forgive you for not being sorry
And not really getting it
But i still want to forgive you
So badly
To wake up in the morning without this shadow over my head
Without these worries, nightmares, hopes, dreams, wishes
Without fear

The acceptance that
Now you really are just someone that i used to know
is hard to bear

and everyone says I should be fine with it
people grow apart, go separate directions
but i'm not fine with it, it's not okay
It still feels like something is missing
Something worth grieving for
Something I can't shake

I'm guarded, people don't realize that about me
I don't really let people in - And I let you in
Not quite all the way, not in the way I should have
but I was working on it
It doesn't matter that it wasn't apparent to you
I....let you in
I've never really had to let go of someone before
It's terrifying
I don't know how
It really feels like you died
Like someone that you love, that you're really close to, that you share everything with
just died

And makes me wish that I died

Only you're not dead.
And neither am I.

I don't want to see you.
I want this fight in me to be over.
I don't want to fight with you.
I want this feeling to dissipate.
I don't want to be crushed by the weight
any longer.
I want to be free of it.

I don't want you to think there's something wrong with me.
Or that I'm a bad person.
I want you to understand me.
Care about me.

And be the person that I used to know.

You are that person.  I just think you lost something somewhere along the way.

4/10/12 -RAL

If you ask me how i'm doing
i would say i'm doing just fine
i would lie and say that you're not on my mind

i've never been anywhere near where daniel is right now
i'm thankful for that
but it still hurts
every night
i pour salt into an open wound
and it can't heal
won't heal
i don't know
maybe i just won't let it
i really don't know
i committed to the trip
who knows what i'll end up doing with it though
it's probably just more salt pouring

I can't sleep because i'm worried about daniel
i'm still waiting for a call from his friend
i feel guilty like i should have known it was this bad
and i should have done something about it
now he's gone and got himself stuck in the psych ward over easter
well probably, again, still waiting for that call
i hope i didn't give him any bad advice
he wants to withdraw from the semester
he hasn't gone to call for a few weeks i guess
he's just really depressed
i think this is sorta like what happened to brian
i wish i had my old friend to talk to about these kinds of things
speaking of which... four hearings in Fort Collins early May
why am i such a chicken
why can't i just do what i need to do
get it over with
i guess i'm kinda terrified of getting it over with at the same time
of having to accept life and close this book
for my own sanity though, i should force myself
it would be so easy to go on that trip
it would be so easy to say i'm in town, you need to see me
to make sure it happened
the problem is that it would be so hard to not yell
to not cry
to be done
i don't know, i don't want to think about it right now

pray for daniel.