I'm not sure what the proper word to describe my feelings is - weirded out???

I finally had a few minutes online tonight.  I had a new "tweet".  I hate that word.  I'm clearly so-not-a-twitter-person.  

I never should have sent her a "tweet" in the first place.  Like I said before I was drinking and ish.  Still, it was all me.  No excuses.  Still, I didn't expect to get anything back.  And if i did, I didn't expect it to say, "Yup".  WTH does "yup" mean.  That's another word I would never use.  I can't decide if it was a polite answer to my question or if it should irritate me or what.  It doesn't obviously invite a response back.  I hope one isn't expected.

Obviously I don't get this.

I would like to know what percentage of acceptance of my apology occurred - if any.  I know that that is a lot to ask and not what I deserve.  But still, it'd be nice to know.  

I'm convinced I could win her over if I had the proper chance.

Today was amazing.  The Grand Canyon is beautiful.  I really don't know how people can look at God's creations and not believe in him.  How could you possibly think this was an accident?

The last few days have been a whirlwind, I've barely had time to think, except for today in the car when I had no cell phone service and there were no radio stations...

It's very clear to me now that I don't need you.
I needed to realize that.

But I do want you.
every piece.

"What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. Get a post-bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that it's too late to do anything is comical. It's hilarious....We can't, we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, it's all we have."


Sometimes at night I just need to remember that it's not too late.  Things can still change.  Tomorrow can still be different.  Please help me make the right choices.  Please help me stop wishing that everyone else would make the right choices too.... 

I left my book at home, so i've just been doing a lot of thinking and no studying per say.  Can't wait til i'm back to my book.  I did something stupid on Thursday night.  It's because I was drunk.  And being egged on.  I shouldn't have done it...but...I did do a really good job of only being nice, and honest, and defending people who weren't available to defend themselves. I need to keep trying harder though.

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I've been doing a lot of thinking about what love is and what it's not.

it's probably sleeping on the couch b/c i'm uncomfortable

it's probably getting me fantastic presents on time

it's probably trying not to do anything that could accidentally lead me on

it's probably not talking about important things b/c i don't want to

----

it's probably just wanting to stay in a room forever together

it's probably relying on you and trusting you 

it's probably making each other a better person

it's probably being unbelievably happy and wanting to scream it to the world

or being unbelievably sad and having trouble not screaming it to the world

it's probably not giving up hope even when things seem hopeless

things are never hopeless

things aren't over until their actually over

you can't just pretend they are

i don't believe in over when there are still feelings

I'm just so happy to be this city.

And I'm so thankful to be moving here.

It's perfect.

And it feels so right.

It's exactly where I need to be.

And i just love it.

the end.  

It's so much easier to see others' potential than your own.
I look at you and know how much you could do, what you could be, how many people you could affect.
It's hard not to be jealous.
It's hard not be angry at you for wasting it.
Taking the first step is the most difficult.  Letting go of your security blanket.  Standing on a limb - even if you end up standing there alone.
Being alone isn't the scariest thing I can think of.  The scariest thing I can think of is falling short of the life God planned for you because you were too scared to take a risk............

Yes, this is what I think I have done.  I sometimes think I've ruined my life because I was too afraid to take a risk.  Sure, I can take the kind of risk where I move out to California with no plan, but taking an emotional risk has been pretty much out of the question.

This blog is, and always has been, an emotional risk for me.  Even if no one sees it.  The chance that someone can see inside of me - know all of my weaknesses, insecurities, thoughts, prayers.  It's terrifying.

But it's what I feel like I've been asked to do.  Completely open myself up.  And take whatever consequences come my way.   Be honest, at any cost.

to be honest, the cost sucks.  opening myself up has cost me one of the best friends I ever had.  Not that I was a good friend, but someone who was a good friend to me.  Someone I'd like to emulate.  opening myself up has made me feel more insecure and rejected than I ever thought possible.  it's hard for me to understand god's plan in this.

It's devastating to think that this is what it takes for me to learn a lesson.  I know I have tons of other lessons to learn, I don't look forward to them if they're this hard.

Everyone has things they have to bear.  Maybe mine is really the knowledge of how badly I screwed up and knowing that I'll never have the opportunity to fix it.

Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter. 

This has never been more true that today.  It's hard to live in this world and keep your focus on the things that really matter. It's really hard.  But i'm trying.

Relationships matter.  Today I'm just trying to fix the ones that are broken.  Trying to be a better friend than I've been in the past.  Trying to be a better friend than I've been in the best.  Trying.

And I need help.  Lord, please help me.