I am not strong enough to love you and walk with you on my own. I can't do it and I need you - deeply and desperately. I believe you are worth it - that you are better than anything else I could have in this life or the next. I want you. And when I don't, I want to want you. Be all in me. Take all of me. Have your way with me. Everyday again. With you, for you, through you I will get over this. I'm giving more of myself than I have to give. There is nothing I can do to prove myself to you except ask for your grace and mercy. May it abide in me. Amen

dammit, i keep trying not to feel this way, but it feels like everything is closing in around me today and i can't breathe and i'm just freaking out and it makes it worse when i admit that i need you. i wish it didn't have to be embarrassing. I wish i didn't feel like I needed anyone. I wish I could be happy with just me. i used to be. before i met you.

I'm just trying to keep myself busy, and I'm doing a pretty good job of it. There's lots to do around here after moving and everything. Today I read a lot about control, and letting God be in control of your life. The idea sounds really easy, but the execution is far from easy. Just because God is in control, doesn't mean you don't have to work. Work, really, really hard. I think God just points in the direction of where your work should be focused. I am really thankful for my dad. He really did his best to teach me to work really hard for things and that I have to take responsibility for being lazy and not doing as well as I could. I think after I got 3rd place in the spelling bee in like 5th or 6th grade, he told me that he was happy I won a place, but that I could have gotten 1st place if I had put a little bit more time into it. I knew he was right. That's what makes things even more difficult now. It's hard for me to let go of the idea that there must be something I can do to fix this situation. It's hard not to believe that it's my fault. That I can't just try harder, do better, do more.... do something. I keep going over and over in my head the things I have done, good and bad, and trying to convince myself that options are exhausted. Sending that apology email was literally all I had left. And I did my best. It was sincere, with no exaggeration, and at least semi-private. I don't know what more I could have done. I don't know what more I could do. Dear Lord, Tonight I pray not only that you will help me to see that I've done all I can do, but that you will help me to accept that this is an okay resolution. I pray that you please continue to be with Brian, and that you help him to forgive me and let go of any negativity. If there is anything that I can do, please help me to know. I'm trying to do my best, but I know it's not good enough. It's never good enough. Please forgive me for failing to live up to your standards, and help me to try harder tomorrow. In Jesus' Name Amen

I haven't been neglecting. I've been reading, and studying, and thinking. I just haven't had time to post. Moving is busy. Having a lot of friends and a good support system around is energizing. And exhausting. It just sucks that something is missing. I'm going to try out a church tomorrow. I'm hopeful that it will be the right one and that I don't have to try out a lot of different ones. I have a lot of things to post about piling up. I should be able to get to them this week maybe. I just have one simple prayer tonight. If it be in your will, guide him to me.

Why can't God just make him want me?

Our life plans need to stop getting in the way of what we are supposed to do We burden ourselves with plans, structure, certainties which accumulate into disappointment and failure we worry about planning for the future, whether we can afford to pay our bills, to quit our jobs, to move to a new city do any of these things actually matter? I'm not saying one should be irresponsible. Far from it. The responsible way to do it is to have very little debt, live modestly, save a little while you can, and use the savings when you need to. But don't tie yourself down to a job because of a mortgage or a new car or a credit card. Just move. Make the right decision. Stop acting like God is so small that he can't take care of you. Stop being scared to be where you are supposed to be and live the way you are supposed to live Stop being afraid to take chances Stop being afraid to get hurt Stop worrying about what other people might think Just be who you are Why does this have to be so hard? -------------------- For me, right now, it isn't the moving that's hard. It isn't the being me that's hard. It's dealing with the consequences of the past that is hard. Heavenly Father - Tonight please just be with me as a battle the demons of lust and jealousy and regret and self-hatred. Please not only forgive me for these sins, but also take this from me - if it be your will. In the Name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit Amen

I love this website...
Here is my rendition of how I feel right now, in someecards...