Amends

Last night was hard, I feel like there are a couple of things that I need to address before I can really let go of a few specific things.

1.  Insincerity - I feel like I'm being insincere at times, or saying/thinking/doing things for the wrong reasons.  I'm trying to change this.  I'm trying to be as sincere as possible.  This is something I need to ask for help with each and every day.  For me, the insincerity springs from dishonesty.  Even though i that God knows everything - my motives, things I don't even understand myself, everything, it still feels like if i just ignore certain things, don't say them out loud, they aren't real, or they won't be held against me.  I know this is wrong.  For me, saying the kinds of things I don't want to admit out loud (or typing them) really makes them real.  It's a lot harder for me to ask for forgiveness when I have to really spell out what it is I have done.  In order to force this on myself, I will elaborate below.

2.  Dishonesty -

a.  I make excuses for myself to make myself feel better about things. One of my favorite excuses is that I can bend the rules if I love someone.  Numerous quizzes have told me, and I agree, that the primary way that I show love is through physical touch.  This gets me into trouble.  I let things go much farther than I should in general because it makes me feel loved.  I show no real boundaries with specific people because I love them.  Just because I'm fairly prudish, I still do this just as sinfully as anyone else.  I know that it's a problem, because I've been constantly limited b/c of my guilt.  I think on a lot of levels I'm prudish b/c I feel guilty.  The amount of guilt is relative to the perceived severity.  I remember the exact moment that I started feeling a lot less guilty with Brian.  I think that it coincides with the moment i realized that I was in love with him.  Nothing changed, except for how I felt.  But i remember every detail, exactly where we were, exactly what I was wearing, exactly how it felt.  I felt better about it, b/c on some level I thought it was okay b/c i loved him and in my head  this would last forever and I thought I was finally understanding what I thought he felt for quite some time. I was wrong.

It doesn't matter.  I have to stop making these kinda of excuses.  The rules don't get bent for me.  The rules are made to protect me. Maybe if i had followed the rules in the first place, I wouldn't have the feelings I have now.    Maybe i'd be less upset.  Maybe I'd feel less dirty.  Maybe I wouldn't want to be alone forever.  This is entirely my fault.  My life is a series of repercussions for the bad decisions I've made.

Sad thing is, I wouldn't go back and change it. At least I don't think I would.  Even for lack of pain and complete happiness now, it's too much to give up.  It means too much to me.  

b. I don't understand my own motives.  I don't know if it's that I don't know what I actually want.  Or if my only motive is selfishness.  Or maybe if my motive is to make it better, to fix things.  I really have no idea.  I worry that I only feel like i'm dying inside because I haven't gotten my own way.  I hope this isn't true.  It would be extremely disturbing to think that I would feel this bad and throw more than a year long temper tantrum just because I want to get my own way.  But I worry that it's possible.  I just want to know that isn't true.  I don't think it's true, but it's always in the back of my mind.  The second option is just as bad.  What if my only motive is selfishness?  Even if I would be completely and totally happy with Brian, is it worth it if he would be miserable?  Absolutely not.  I don't even know how I could be happy if he wasn't.  It's generally somewhat comforting to me to think that he is really happy - although I'm not sure I really believe that and he's done a terrible job at saying it.  Again, I hope this isn't true.  I pray to not be selfish.  But i still worry about it.  Or maybe it's the latter option, maybe I just want the opportunity to repair things, so that I don't have to blame myself.  Again, this is really just a repeat of selfishness.  I don't want to feel bad, I don't want to believe that this is my fault.  If it doesn't work out, I want it to be not because of me.  I want it to be a mutually agreed upon decision that everyone made with their best interests at heart.

I guess there is also the option of being right. I shouldn't be so hard on myself and exclude this one.  Maybe I'm right.  Maybe this isn't the way that things are supposed to be.  Maybe he is making a gigantic mistake and needs to be stopped before it's too late.

How do I know what to do if I can't even figure out what my true motive is.  I pray about this.  I have done so continuously for over a year.  Either I don't know how to understand the answer, or I haven't gotten one. Maybe the answer is simply all of the above.  I've tried to back off, especially now.  There's nothing more I can do.  I've made how I feel completely clear.  I would answer in detail and honestly any question put to me and I would do anything to make this work.  Anything isn't too much to ask, considering the things I've put him through.  Anything doesn't matter, because there's nothing he wants.  Except for maybe for me to not exist.  Or for me to hate him.  He's tried really hard on that one, and I've tried really hard too.  This would all be so much easier if I did.  I just can't.  The more it sinks in, the less anger I have.  Most of the anger I can muster is really at myself.  I think that's really why I get so emotional over this.  I'm generally not a crier.  But when I'm this upset with myself, I can't even express myself.  I just cry constantly.  I truly have nothing to offer.  I am small, insignificant, with no track records of success.  Despite what I can aspire to, I have nothing to offer, and no one should bet on me to win the race.

c.  I continue to make Michelle uncomfortable, even though I know I am doing so.  It doesn't matter if it's unreasonable.  It doesn't matter if it's funny.  It doesn't matter if it makes me feel better.  What does matter is that I know it makes her uncomfortable and I continue to do it.  That's all that matters.  It's really been impressed upon me that I have to find a way to fix that.  I've been thinking of some things.  I have a habit of coming off too strong - singing telegrams are not a good idea when someone feels invaded by you in the first place.  I do have an idea.  I just have to work on it.  It's something that I need to make a priority.  Everyone has to made amends to improve their life.  This is just a hard one for me because I don't feel like I've done anything wrong.  I need to remember that it doesn't matter if I didn't do anything wrong.  I know how it was making her feel and I didn't care.  This is what is wrong.  This is what I need to apologize for.  I should give myself a deadline - May 31.  This is the date that I have to have this taken care of by.  All i can do is be completely sincere and honest and ask for her forgiveness.  How she responds to it is her problem, and nothing I should be worried about.  I don't want to send it to her directly even though I could.  I feel like it doesn't help my creep factor.  I don't want to send it through Brian.  I don't really want it to be in his face that it's happening.  It might even be nice if he didn't know about.  Not that i'm sure she would tell him.  But maybe it'd be nice to ask her to consider not telling him.  Maybe I'll talk to Erica.  It's the best middle ground I know of.  I'll keep thinking about it.  But i have to make this a priority, I can't let go of this situation and leave it up to God until I've done the things I need to do.

It's not like this is an exhaustive list of what I have done, or am doing wrong, but it's a start.  This is a work in progress.  It sucks that I can't just say 'Dear Lord, Take this from me.  Let it be as you wish it to be.' and not worry about it anymore.  It's just not that easy.  But today I'm taking the first steps at removing this from my shoulders.  Maybe I'll feel just a smidge better tomorrow.  Maybe.