Have to double down tonight to make up for yesterday.  I'm sorry for that.  I'm trying really hard not to skip a day, to spend at least 30 minutes of my time studying, thinking, praying.  30 minutes is nothing - it's insignificant in my day and insignificant to a God so large.  It truly is the least I can do.  

Days like today, I forget that I already have everything I need in him.  Every time I let myself feel like I can't get out of bed in the morning, or can't focus, or just want to sit around and cry, I'm being incredibly short sighted, and selfish.  I feel like a part of me is missing and I can't get it back.  I'm wrong.  I have everything I need.  I just need to refocus.  

I don't get to decide who God is.  I can't escape him, even if I want to.  Even in the darkness, the middle of the night, when I can't sleep, and I'm crying.. he knows I'm being selfish.  He knows that I know I'm being selfish.  There are people with real problems.  I am not one of them.  I am so lucky.  Tomorrow I need to go running, and I'm grateful for that.  I can run.  Frankly, it's amazing that I can even walk.  I have everything and everyone I need to be perfectly and blissfully happy.  Why can't I just see that?

Francis Chan says... The most important thing about us, about who we truly are, is what comes into our mind when we think of God.  The very core of what unites us with others is what we in our "deep heart conceive God to be like."  We should choose our friends, our spouses, based on their answer to this question, and this question alone.  Everything else will fall into place.  

I love that idea.  The very core of who we are really is related to what we feel about God.  And we don't put enough time into talking about it.  

Heavenly Father, 

Please forgive me tonight for making my life so cluttered and busy that I can't even spend half an hour purely focused on you.  Please be with me as I lay down to sleep and speak with me.  Again, I want the opportunity to ask the important questions to the people I love, to really know if I'm on the right path, and to feel peace with the answer.  You know me, I can't hide from you, you know that I would run away to Vegas and get married tomorrow and truly believe that everything would work itself out.  I know this optimism only creates disappointment.  I have to leave this decision to you and have faith that things will work out as you want them to.  Everything operates on your whim and for you.  Please help me to have peace with that.

In Jesus' Name I Pray

Amen