Poem From Last Month - when i was still sappy
i see the real you
i know you on the inside
it doesn't make me love you any less
i long to hear the arrogance in your voice
to see the haircut that i hate
to smell the cologne i hate because she gave you
to taste me on you
to feel the hurt i cause you
and your facial hair
all the negative just combines
to magnetize me toward you
but now you've created
something i would change
delete
redo
undo
now that i want to change you
you're no good to me
the end
Monday, November 14, 2011
Thursday, November 10, 2011
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
ever since last bible study, i haven't been able to get a few ideas out of my mind.
most people i know, most people i've met are genuinely nice people, they want to be happy, they want to live well, and they want the same for others, this is what I consider baseline.
Of course their ideas about what would make others happy are sometimes way off base, but right now i'm more concerned with their intention.
What trips me up are the people who don't fit this mold. The people who don't care about how others feel, who say/do/perpetuate mean things with no guilt or care. Don't mistake this for a holier than thou attitude, everyone does things that are mean sometimes, again I'm concerned with intent and with guilt.
When i'm a jerk it's pretty much exclusively for one reason - emotions. I act out when I'm upset and when my feelings are hurt. Sometimes it takes a long time to recover from hurt feelings - like with Erica and I. Sometimes it's impossible. I guess the point is that it's never coming from a dark place and it's never without guilt.
I want others to be happy, I enjoy making them so. I want to be happy. I don't think either should be at the others expense. I still have hope - the Cardinals did win the World Series after all.
most people i know, most people i've met are genuinely nice people, they want to be happy, they want to live well, and they want the same for others, this is what I consider baseline.
Of course their ideas about what would make others happy are sometimes way off base, but right now i'm more concerned with their intention.
What trips me up are the people who don't fit this mold. The people who don't care about how others feel, who say/do/perpetuate mean things with no guilt or care. Don't mistake this for a holier than thou attitude, everyone does things that are mean sometimes, again I'm concerned with intent and with guilt.
When i'm a jerk it's pretty much exclusively for one reason - emotions. I act out when I'm upset and when my feelings are hurt. Sometimes it takes a long time to recover from hurt feelings - like with Erica and I. Sometimes it's impossible. I guess the point is that it's never coming from a dark place and it's never without guilt.
I want others to be happy, I enjoy making them so. I want to be happy. I don't think either should be at the others expense. I still have hope - the Cardinals did win the World Series after all.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Monday, October 3, 2011
So i was told that i'm not the only one looking at this
on the one hand i expected it, since i did tell one person about this
on the other hand, i really thought he'd given up on me by now.
curiosity killed me, so i added a tracker.
yes, i will say i'm surprised that i'm so popular. only about 15 hits today.
yes, i'm also surprised that certain people know about this, the place where I tend to write my absolute private thoughts. I'm glad i'm a little prudish and censor some things.
A quick word to my three favorite visitors:
1.) I'm happy you care. If you don't care, I'm happy that I incorrectly think you do. Either way I'm happy. And i miss you. Terribly.
2.) i have really mixed feelings about you. It's nice that you are even the slightest bit interested in what's going on with me, on the other hand it seems like maybe you should either move on and let it go, or just talk to me if you want to know what's going on. I'm not several times a day interesting, don't overestimate me. If you care, try to work it out. If you don't, be the good person that I know you can be, and quit bathing in my misery.
3.) Then there's you. Don't you find it even the slightest bit hypocritical? I'm sure you've figured out by now that I have written some pretty private things here. As i don't really believe in privacy, I put this out in the open, and I'm not upset that people found it. But i am upset that you seem to have a double standard about what kinds of things are acceptable. And i'm disappointed in whoever told you about this site, they should have been smart enough to know that was a bad idea.
I'm also flattered. But seriously, have some self-respect and go enjoy the wonderful life you've created for yourself and quit worrying about what it is that i'm doing this week. That's not offensive, it's what someone should have said to me a long time ago.
I'm still going to post if I feel like it.
Look if you feel like it.
Just know it's not a secret.
on the one hand i expected it, since i did tell one person about this
on the other hand, i really thought he'd given up on me by now.
curiosity killed me, so i added a tracker.
yes, i will say i'm surprised that i'm so popular. only about 15 hits today.
yes, i'm also surprised that certain people know about this, the place where I tend to write my absolute private thoughts. I'm glad i'm a little prudish and censor some things.
A quick word to my three favorite visitors:
1.) I'm happy you care. If you don't care, I'm happy that I incorrectly think you do. Either way I'm happy. And i miss you. Terribly.
2.) i have really mixed feelings about you. It's nice that you are even the slightest bit interested in what's going on with me, on the other hand it seems like maybe you should either move on and let it go, or just talk to me if you want to know what's going on. I'm not several times a day interesting, don't overestimate me. If you care, try to work it out. If you don't, be the good person that I know you can be, and quit bathing in my misery.
3.) Then there's you. Don't you find it even the slightest bit hypocritical? I'm sure you've figured out by now that I have written some pretty private things here. As i don't really believe in privacy, I put this out in the open, and I'm not upset that people found it. But i am upset that you seem to have a double standard about what kinds of things are acceptable. And i'm disappointed in whoever told you about this site, they should have been smart enough to know that was a bad idea.
I'm also flattered. But seriously, have some self-respect and go enjoy the wonderful life you've created for yourself and quit worrying about what it is that i'm doing this week. That's not offensive, it's what someone should have said to me a long time ago.
I'm still going to post if I feel like it.
Look if you feel like it.
Just know it's not a secret.
5 things
I'm finally getting around to posting this. It's the first step in the battle of getting these things squared away.
ONE
I know with a reasonable amount of certainty that Stacey made up some people, and refuses to admit it. I've been harping on this for years. I've finally reached a point where I can let this go. Sure, lying isn't okay. But people have their reasons. and fears. And it's not my place to judge her reasons for holding onto this, maybe it's the only thing holding her together.
At any rate, i've let it go. And i don't hold it against her. And i don't care if she's lying.
TWO
One time I stood on the sidelines while someone else changed a church sign. I thought I saw a cop car coming and I took off running. Another time I was with a large group of people stealing a welcome to richland road sign. And i'm pretty sure I either sat in the car freaking out or stood a bit away keeping watch.
Therefore I'm not sure why anyone believe that the wuss that I am would let the air out of someone's tires, unassisted, when they easily could have been caught. At any rate, I perpetuated this rumor, because I wanted to be primarily responsible. Truth is, just like always, I stood on the sidelines and ran. I guess i perpetuated this lie for my own benefit. I wanted to be more involved than i was.
THREE
Out of all the time we were together, I only really remember lying about one thing. The same thing, multiple times. If we ever make up, we're gonna have to talk about the events of 12-31-2004. The reasons for this one are manifold. There's always the wanting to protect myself, being embarrassed about the truth, wishing that it were not true. Then there's the caring. I care so much about his feelings. I know this would upset him, and I can't take it back. So why tell. Well that only works if you never tell. Unfortunately, that's bad for the soul.
FOUR
One time I photocopied something belonging to a friend. I still have that photocopy. I still feel guilty about it, but I keep it to remind me that I need to come clean with this person. I've never lied to them about it. But i know that copying it in the first place was wrong.
FIVE
I keep feeling like I have to lie to my Mom regarding Daniel. She keeps asking me questions. I keep trying to stay out of it. Last weekend she accused me of making it worse, of hurting her by not telling her things she needs to know. This made me feel really bad. But I really don't believe that it's my place to tell her.
and a bonus
SIX
There's this person that I'm pretty sure thinks i know everything about them. I don't really. I know very little. I don't even know where they live. Although I'm sure I could find it on whitepages if i cared enough to look.
ONE
I know with a reasonable amount of certainty that Stacey made up some people, and refuses to admit it. I've been harping on this for years. I've finally reached a point where I can let this go. Sure, lying isn't okay. But people have their reasons. and fears. And it's not my place to judge her reasons for holding onto this, maybe it's the only thing holding her together.
At any rate, i've let it go. And i don't hold it against her. And i don't care if she's lying.
TWO
One time I stood on the sidelines while someone else changed a church sign. I thought I saw a cop car coming and I took off running. Another time I was with a large group of people stealing a welcome to richland road sign. And i'm pretty sure I either sat in the car freaking out or stood a bit away keeping watch.
Therefore I'm not sure why anyone believe that the wuss that I am would let the air out of someone's tires, unassisted, when they easily could have been caught. At any rate, I perpetuated this rumor, because I wanted to be primarily responsible. Truth is, just like always, I stood on the sidelines and ran. I guess i perpetuated this lie for my own benefit. I wanted to be more involved than i was.
THREE
Out of all the time we were together, I only really remember lying about one thing. The same thing, multiple times. If we ever make up, we're gonna have to talk about the events of 12-31-2004. The reasons for this one are manifold. There's always the wanting to protect myself, being embarrassed about the truth, wishing that it were not true. Then there's the caring. I care so much about his feelings. I know this would upset him, and I can't take it back. So why tell. Well that only works if you never tell. Unfortunately, that's bad for the soul.
FOUR
One time I photocopied something belonging to a friend. I still have that photocopy. I still feel guilty about it, but I keep it to remind me that I need to come clean with this person. I've never lied to them about it. But i know that copying it in the first place was wrong.
FIVE
I keep feeling like I have to lie to my Mom regarding Daniel. She keeps asking me questions. I keep trying to stay out of it. Last weekend she accused me of making it worse, of hurting her by not telling her things she needs to know. This made me feel really bad. But I really don't believe that it's my place to tell her.
and a bonus
SIX
There's this person that I'm pretty sure thinks i know everything about them. I don't really. I know very little. I don't even know where they live. Although I'm sure I could find it on whitepages if i cared enough to look.
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