no news is good news

no news is good news

no news is good news

no news is good news

No, news is good news

No, news is good news

No, news is good news

No, news is good news

"No" news is good news

"No" news is good news

Is news even a word?

when do you throw in the towel

and admit that a lost cause is a lost cause?

when can you be too tired to fight anymore?

when do you give up?

i think the real answer is never.

even though sometimes it feels like you should.

sometimes you want to.
but then you hear a song

or see a face

or recall a memory

and you realize you can never give up

you can change your mind

decide that you want something else

go down a different path

with no regrets

knowing that you made the correct decision

and you didn't give up on any of your dreams

i'm not there yet

i haven't given up

and i don't plan on it.

today's email

Everyday it's becoming more and more clear

Obviously I've done some things that I regret

mistakes I guess you could say

One of them was really not realizing the full implications

of this way of life

a smart person would have known

that really i would rather have brian in my life

in some way, any way

rather than no way

talking to him once a month

is better than not talking at all

even though it didn't seem that way at the time

it seemed like maybe this would get it out of my system

but that's not true

it just makes me depressed

it doesn't mean i don't want more

but something is better than nothing

and right now I really want

need

something

someone to share life with

it's hard when i'm this stressed

work, the bar, daniel, my dad

it's overwhelming a lot of the time

when you add brian stress

i worry it might kill me

or just give me an ulcer

practicing self-control

but i just don't know if it's for the best

days like today

i just want to ask a simple question

do you want to fix this?

and if you don't

then do it

it's not that hard

Some awkward things I've been keeping secret kinda pain me.

I'm not lying about them, but I'm definitely not volunteering any information.

I feel kinda guilty bc I know that I'm keeping it secret bc i'm afraid people will think i'm doing certain things for the wrong reasons, and maybe I am, but I don't want to be judged

I was going to a bible study for a while, it was non-denominational, everyone was WAY to liberal and annoying. Someone I met there invited me to a different group, and we've been going to that one instead. And it's a Catholic group.

Everyone there is great. And much more my speed. A couple of people have talked to me about going to RCIA. The leader, specifically, has a really great argument. It's just to learn - there's no requirement that I convert just because I want to learn more about the church. He's right. But i've still been struggling with this personally. I don't want to do this just because I somehow think that it will make things better with Brian.

Besides, I doubt that's true anyway. He wouldn't even know about it. All my friends are so hands off. Stacey and I had another minor tiff about it today. I don't want to encourage her to get involved - I want her to want to get involved. To me, it seems like if she really cared about me - she wouldn't be able to not get involved. I know I can't hold her to that standard, she's not me. But if it were me, and she were in this kind of shape - I would have inserted myself by now.

Even if she just found out how Brian was doing. I'm curious. It's one of those days where I have trouble being mad at him because I just miss him so much. I don't know why I couldn't have realized how great things were when I had the chance - when we were still friends.

I wish he knew how much I missed him.

I'm tired - I just can't stop thinking about this.

Better luck tomorrow.

I can even explain how much this hurts.

I just want it to stop hurting.

I'll do anything.

what i want to say

today i wanted to email you

really badly

i'm still thinking about it

but here's what I would say.

First, I really miss you.

Second, I forgive you for not feeling the same way I do. It's really not your fault - of all people I should know - you can't make yourself feel a way that you don't. And it's always impossible to really understand how terrible the other person feels. I can't expect you to understand. But this I can get over. This i can move past - and I'm working on that. If I'm not the one thing you can't stop thinking about. If i'm not the image that pops into your head when you're trying to fall asleep. If there's nothing cloudy about it. If that's really the case, even if I disagree, I can get past this.

On my end, I have to let myself get over it. I have to force myself to believe you. But it's hard when you do things that make it hard for me to believe you. I hear your words, I see your actions, but somehow it's not enough. I guess what I expect is for you to be so happy and excited about her that you want to force her on everyone you care about; constantly talk about how great she is; how much we will love her; that you want others to see and feel whatever it is that you see. I've never felt like you felt like that. It's never outwardly really seemed like you actually care about her. I'm not saying you don't. I'm saying that I can't see it - and it makes it harder for me to let go of it.

Or maybe it's not that at all, maybe it's just because it's me, maybe it's personal... bring us to the third point.

Third, I don't forgive you for the way you have treated me and continue to treat me. I want to, but I just can't yet. It's hard to forgive someone who's just not sorry.

This is not how you treat a best friend. You don't give up on them when things get rough. The only reason to do that is if you didn't care about them that much in the first place. It feels like you're just hiding from your problems instead of dealing with them. This was never at a point where it couldn't be fixed, it just got to a point where you didn't want to fix it. I can't beg you to care, or to be my friend, or to show me why you're new "friend" is so great. I also can't beg you to do things to soften the blow just a little bit for me - like to personally tell me about big news before I see it on the internet. I can't beg you to be a good human being. Deep down, I know you are - the Brian I know would never have done this to a friend. And would be sorry about it. And would try to fix it. I just don't understand what happened to that person.

I acknowledge my part in this - that I've been a jerk and didn't act at all like a best friend. But that doesn't mean it wasn't there. Losing your stuffed dog is just a metaphor for the way I always treated our friendship. I didn't care about it enough to make sure it didn't get lost. I didn't protect it, or make sure I knew how it was going, I didn't cherish it or us enough. And I feel terrible about that. The best change I can make is to not do that in the future. But I can't fix the past. I keep hoping that if I find the dog, that will somehow mean that I can fix it.