it's hard to be right when everyone around you is wrong

i'm sorry
i'm thinking about you
and your family
it's good that you're spending time with them now
that's the best medicine

Sometimes my dreams seems so real, and I wake up really believing that things are different.
I keep telling myself that I'm stupid, and I need to let it go, but i can't seem to shake the feeling that this just isn't the way things are supposed to be.
I don't know what else I can do, I pray about it, it haunts my dreams - I try to let it go, I really do.  Everyday.  But something seems to be fighting against me - which leads me to the conclusion that maybe i've been right all along.

This is a movie.

And in this movie truth wins - it just takes a while, we have to make the plot interesting so that people watch.  Although if a movie went on this long it would be like New Moon and everyone would be tired of it by the time the resolution came.

Speaking of which - New Moon was my favorite of the Twilight books.  Maybe I'm just into being miserable.

Anyway, so in this movie - we're eventually happy - after some kicking and screaming of course.  And hopefully not the day before a wedding that's supposed to happen (the only similarity this can have with Sweet Home Alabama is the rain - and maybe some civil war reenactments).  I

I'm just waiting for my one moment.

I'm trying to work on humility.
Just because I excel at a lot of things, I have to be careful not to give off the vibe that I think I'm better than other people.

It's kind of hard at work because i do have to supervise almost 200 people.  It's my job to tell them when they are wrong, and guide their policies to make sure they comply with ethical obligations, etc.  I have to work on the way I word things, and being more compassionate with people when they don't understand.

Sometimes it's not their fault.  Just because I happen to be more ethically conservative than just about everyone else, doesn't mean that their "shady" practices aren't okay.

Goal #1:  This week I'm going to ignore at least one small violation everyday, I will not ignore actual problems, but I won't redirect people when they aren't technically wrong.

I'm lucky that everyone likes me.  It's always been easy for me to make friends and I'm generally a well liked person at work - I can't imagine the gossip that would go on if people didn't really like me.  They let me get away with a lot more without getting the "mean" reputation that Michelle and Cori had.

Goal #2:  This week I will express appreciation at least once per day to someone who is doing a good job at work.  Typically, people only hear from me when they are sucking.

Goal #3:  Whenever I find myself acting like I think I'm better than other people, I will focus on things I'm not good at in order to reorient myself.  I'm not good at follow through, I'm not good at saying no, i'm not good at any sports, really, i'm not good at brian.

before i first saw you
i had no intentions
wasn't expecting anything
actually the opposite
you were attached
of no interest to me

and then i walked in the door
was greeted politely
and we made eye contact
there was a spark
that ignited my curiosity
who are you?

you shared, i shared
i was hungry for more
every bit, detail, thought
wanting to know you more
and the spark continued
was innocently cultivated

called it building friendship
but in reality it was
building anticipation
for the first time we'd kiss
knowing the future
waiting for it to happen

spending time alone with you
blushing because it was tainted
with guilt
it was never innocent
we were never just friends
others could see what i ignored

finally we were both free
and spent nights
building anticipation
of a different kind
i couldn't keep my shirt on
or my heart closed

your hands
finally the kiss
too nervous to make the most of it
screwing up everything
being coy, or just dumb
instead of throwing it on the line
too scared to be vulnerable
too infatuated to say no
sitting in limbo
beginning the process

....of losing you.

If you wanted to drive me crazy, this is how you do it.
the waiting is excruciating - I can think of nothing else.
Come to your senses or get so far out of my life that i never have to see or hear about you ever again - those are the only two humane options.

i'm frustrated at myself, i just can't contain my emotions

i've never really been able to that well

when i have a problem, i just get stuck on a single note, one track

i have to fix it before I can concentrate on anything else

and it's really affecting my ability to study for the bar

i'm frustrated that I had a 4 hour chunk of time yesterday to study for the bar exam, with no real distractions and I managed to not even study one tiny little bit.

Instead I freaked, walked out of the airport, seriously considered ditching my flight all together

I just think that if Brian and i could really talk, this could all be worked out

Or i guess I could have found Michelle sleeping and strangled her - because I'm clearly the type of person who strangles people.

My logic finally go the best of me. I went back in the airport. Went back through security. Cried in the bathroom for a while. And then it was pretty much time to get on my plane.

Yes, that is how I killed 4 hours in the Denver airport.