You said you aren't reading this anymore. I don't know if that's true. I guess I'll never know. I guess it doesn't matter, it doesn't really change what I say, I just wonder if you know about it or not.

I am sorry I didn't have the guts to tell you to your face that I was really done. I didn't know I was gonna get that upset. I keep reaching new limits to how much you can hurt me. And I'm sorry that I blame you, even though this was my decision. I blame you for letting me.

Whether you know it or not, I would never have given you up for a guy. I would never give Stacey up for a guy. If it came down to that, I love her and know her enough to know that she's must see something that I don't. She would also never ask me to give up something that was right for me.

I would never do that to you either. I just don't think she's right for you. I think you're both trying really hard to make it right, but I don't believe trying is enough. It doesn't matter that I'm sorry, or that I want to be with you, or any of that, but it does matter that she's not the one. I hope you don't stay with her just to prove me wrong - just so you won't have to admit someday that you made the wrong decision. I don't wish that kind of unhappiness on you.

But i do wish we could have had a chance to be happy. It's my fault we never had a chance before. And it's your fault we don't have a chance now. Seems like we're evenly to blame. I love you. The timing is bad. Sometimes people just can't get it together. I tend to think that if two people really love each other but they just can't get it together, they need to try harder - my only conclusion that you don't and never have really loved me.

That's fine. It's just something that's really hard for me to accept. I wasted a lot of time and a lot of myself on you. Generally I'm not very willing to do that - and right now I don't feel like I ever want to do that again. I don't want anyone to have the chance to hurt me as much as you did - you are - it's not like it's over. It's not like i'm just going to feel better. My best bet is to try to burn/drink/eat/not eat/whatever thoughts of you out of head. And pray that they go away quickly.

It's not like I haven't prayed for that already. Or more accurately prayed that I could understand why this was happening and what I needed to do. You think that just because I feel like that answer wasn't to let you go that I wasn't listening. Maybe you're not listening. Maybe you're not praying. Maybe you just want this to work out the way you've already decided is right.

Maybe that's why I don't think we can ever be friends. I have to forget about you to be okay. Forgetting about you is not synonymous with being friends again. And if I can get through right now, the worst time in my life, then I can get through life without you. It doesn't seem unfair of me at all to hold you to a high standard - if you're not there for me when I really need it, then forget it.
And you haven't been there for me for months.

I'm still angry at how easily I would forget everything and forgive you. How easily I would trust you to not hurt me. How easily I would fall into you. It hurts.

i forgot to say that i'm desparate
and pathetic

as if that's a secret

and i'm pissed
at myself

b/c no matter how mad i am at you
i could be over it in 10 seconds
and i still want you

stacey said that maybe this isn't a movie, maybe it's a tv show
like scrubs
or friends

I hear what he's saying, but truthfully I don't understand.

Did he used to like me? He thought it was enough at some point, or that's what he said. Was he lying? Did he not mean it?

I guess sometimes I just think that he forced me love him. He forced me to want to be with him. It doesn't seem fair that when it finally happens, he's over it.

I feel wasted. Like it you ordered a sub at subway and they were really slow at making it and by the time they finished you decided you didn't want it anymore. So it just gets thrown in the trash.

I feel like trash. Like i'm not really worth anything.

I don't understand why i was led to believe that I could be enough, when that's not how it is. I just don't get it.

Last visit today – glad it’s over.
I talked about this morning. I talked about how I was seriously considering not going back to work. How quitting seems like the best solution.
Somehow I ended up back here.

I cried. It was embarrassing. I said that I didn’t want to do this. That I need Brian. That I don’t even feel like a whole person without him in my life. That I don’t want to get up in the morning. That I can’t go to sleep at night.
He asked me if trying to be friends solved any of these problems. I told the truth – No. I still feel that way. I just have hope that it can get better. That’s the problem. Things are the same either way, except for one way I have no ties and can try to get over it, and the other way I have hope – maybe false hope that things will improve.
Doc says, then why would you not choose hope? Is he crazy? Does he not understand that all that creates is disappointment? I’m disappointed again every day. And that’s not really an exaggeration. I cry over every little thing – every single time it feels like a new knife being stabbed into me. It’s not fair for me to have to feel this way. That’s why I would not choose hope.
Things don’t always happen the way their supposed to. There isn’t always a pretty little plan. I do believe that. I also believe that things happen the way they are supposed to and sometimes for reasons that we’re not capable of knowing. So don’t tell me things like this isn’t a good way to start something. Not that I think it is, but I also don’t think it matters. Things happen how they happen. There aren’t any rules.
And I guess this is the story of how we stopped knowing each other.

I'm sick of this shit.
I quit.