I'm looking for someone that's not me, someone that thinks of things that I would never think of, that thinks a different way home from the store is shorter, someone I can learn from, explore, and keep exploring for the rest of my life. Someone that I never quite completely figure out.

i think i'm an open book, but it's not really true, there are lots of parts that I keep back for the special people, and a few parts that i almost completely keep back, but that i'm dying to share with someone who's earned it

I feel guilty for judging people for being too simple. I like complicated. I like tortured. I like the high end of the intelligence scale. It seems like maybe these things are related, that the simpler people are happy. Because they're blissfully unaware of all of the things to be unhappy about.

Not that I'm unhappy. I'm only unhappy when I think too much. I think too much a lot. I'm happy when i'm distracted and having fun, or distracted and working really hard, or distracted and running, really just distracted is what it takes. It's easy to be unhappy when you let yourself focus on all the problems in the world.

It's also easy to be distracted and ignore them. I don't want to be distracted, it's unfair to all those who are suffering to just pretend like everything is great. On the other hand, I don't want to be unhappy.

I need more time to help more people. I guess that'll be easier soon when I'm not tied down to a job everyday. It's not like I actually need all that bar studying time anyway.

It rained today. The summer's officially over. Maybe some other things are officially over too.

I had a dream that I received an anonymous orchid delivery.
If that happened to me in real life. It would be the best day ever.
----
So a few weeks back I was watching “Chasing October” with Stacey, which by the way is a very excellent movie that I thoroughly enjoyed even though it’s about the Cubs.

I like ideas, so I was brainstorming with Stacey a documentary that we should make (i.e. talk about for fun but never actually really work on). It’s a lot like Chasing October, but more centered on the lives of the characters. The main characters all have season tickets and sit in the same section at the stadium. Throughout the season/movie you learn about their lives and they interact with one another. All of the characters are die hard fans – why would they have season tickets if they weren’t. At some point you start to notice that when the team is doing well and things are looking up, their lives also seem to be going well. All sorts of positive life events will be tied with the fate of the team.

Anyway, I invested too much thought into this and was journaling about it, etc. And at some point I made this movie in my head about us – tied to the fate of the Cardinals. I’ve had a lot of hope lately, because I keep watching and praying and they keep doing well. And now we’re down to the final game of the season. They could lose tonight. They could win the wild card tonight. They could force a tiebreaker game with the Braves tonight. The fate of the post-season quite possibility rests on the performance of 9-15 ish players and how bad they want this. And someone in my head, the fate of our future, our ability to work this out, to fix things also rests on this same event. Yet, we can’t control it. We aren’t those players. It doesn’t matter how bad I want this, it doesn’t change anything. If wanting it bad enough could make a baseball team win, the Cubs would have won a World Series at some point. Their fans want it bad – the probably want it the most out of any teams fans. On a tangent, I think Hitler hates the Cubs is a hilarious youtube video.

Now I’m worried. Everything comes down to tonight.

I might have to change the end of my movie. Maybe all season the ups and downs of the characters are connected with the team. And then at the end, the team wins the pennant in a fantastic game, at the same time that the characters lives are falling apart.

Let Me In

You spent all this time
building the great wall of china
around yourself
with a two way mirror
so that you can be in me
body, heart, and soul
constantly drilling in
harder and deeper
while maintaining your defenses
until I’m shattered

I want inside the enemy lines
and to keep everyone else out
to be privy to your most
inner thoughts and deeds
to protect myself
for only you to hear me scream
complete
all me; all you
in one fleeting moment
for eternity

Let me in
Hear my screams
Feel my cuts
mark me with you

something weird just happened to me
stacey was getting ready for bed
and in my head i just thought
great, i can't wait to talk to brian

and for a second i didn't remember
and it felt nice

Shit. I'm freaking out.
Why did I ever listen and go see a doctor.
This is going to ruin my life.
Why do I have to discuss this on my bar exam application. It's really unfair and it's a violation of privacy.
I think they can deny me for this.

Still freaking out about the upcoming hearings in CO, but at least Anchorage took my mind off of it a bit. It was really nice there - I'd really like to go back and do some hiking. I met a lot of people who were hiking/camping and it sounds amazing. Until you get eaten by a bear anyway.

I really enjoy escaping my life, even if it's only for a brief period of time. I read all of The Girl Who Plays With Fire on the plane, and caught up on my TV watching. And I ate at a really fancy restaurant by myself - they brew their own beer and make their own root beer/cream soda - so I had both. My waiter thought it was cute that I ordered a beer and a cream soda. You gotta splurge once in a while.

It sucks how much I miss Brian.
It makes me tired.

travel.........

We finally booked a block of hearings in Colorado. And it's on a Thursday. At first I was excited. I've been waiting for this for months. But now that i started thinking about it, I'm freaking out.

I'm a fan of big gestures.
Maybe the biggest gesture is doing nothing. It certainly is one of the hardest. Going, staying the weekend, whatever, in silence. Of course this only really is a big gesture if he knows about it. I'm not sure how that's supposed to happen.

There's also alternatives.
Small things - like an i'm going to be in town this weekend text, or email
Big things - like showing up on the doorstep, or at church, or anywhere

All of them have their pros and cons. I'm just trying to figure out what has more pros than cons. Maybe they're all equally con.

I refuse to believe that. I'm working on a short story for a contest right now. It's going really well. It's fiction based on fact. This event would fit well in my story - regardless of the option I pick. Stuck between a rock and a rock - how fitting.