writing in my journal just isn't cathartic enough

the cardinals give me hope

So i was told that i'm not the only one looking at this
on the one hand i expected it, since i did tell one person about this
on the other hand, i really thought he'd given up on me by now.

curiosity killed me, so i added a tracker.
yes, i will say i'm surprised that i'm so popular. only about 15 hits today.
yes, i'm also surprised that certain people know about this, the place where I tend to write my absolute private thoughts. I'm glad i'm a little prudish and censor some things.

A quick word to my three favorite visitors:

1.) I'm happy you care. If you don't care, I'm happy that I incorrectly think you do. Either way I'm happy. And i miss you. Terribly.

2.) i have really mixed feelings about you. It's nice that you are even the slightest bit interested in what's going on with me, on the other hand it seems like maybe you should either move on and let it go, or just talk to me if you want to know what's going on. I'm not several times a day interesting, don't overestimate me. If you care, try to work it out. If you don't, be the good person that I know you can be, and quit bathing in my misery.

3.) Then there's you. Don't you find it even the slightest bit hypocritical? I'm sure you've figured out by now that I have written some pretty private things here. As i don't really believe in privacy, I put this out in the open, and I'm not upset that people found it. But i am upset that you seem to have a double standard about what kinds of things are acceptable. And i'm disappointed in whoever told you about this site, they should have been smart enough to know that was a bad idea.

I'm also flattered. But seriously, have some self-respect and go enjoy the wonderful life you've created for yourself and quit worrying about what it is that i'm doing this week. That's not offensive, it's what someone should have said to me a long time ago.

I'm still going to post if I feel like it.
Look if you feel like it.
Just know it's not a secret.

5 things

I'm finally getting around to posting this. It's the first step in the battle of getting these things squared away.

ONE
I know with a reasonable amount of certainty that Stacey made up some people, and refuses to admit it. I've been harping on this for years. I've finally reached a point where I can let this go. Sure, lying isn't okay. But people have their reasons. and fears. And it's not my place to judge her reasons for holding onto this, maybe it's the only thing holding her together.

At any rate, i've let it go. And i don't hold it against her. And i don't care if she's lying.

TWO
One time I stood on the sidelines while someone else changed a church sign. I thought I saw a cop car coming and I took off running. Another time I was with a large group of people stealing a welcome to richland road sign. And i'm pretty sure I either sat in the car freaking out or stood a bit away keeping watch.

Therefore I'm not sure why anyone believe that the wuss that I am would let the air out of someone's tires, unassisted, when they easily could have been caught. At any rate, I perpetuated this rumor, because I wanted to be primarily responsible. Truth is, just like always, I stood on the sidelines and ran. I guess i perpetuated this lie for my own benefit. I wanted to be more involved than i was.

THREE
Out of all the time we were together, I only really remember lying about one thing. The same thing, multiple times. If we ever make up, we're gonna have to talk about the events of 12-31-2004. The reasons for this one are manifold. There's always the wanting to protect myself, being embarrassed about the truth, wishing that it were not true. Then there's the caring. I care so much about his feelings. I know this would upset him, and I can't take it back. So why tell. Well that only works if you never tell. Unfortunately, that's bad for the soul.

FOUR

One time I photocopied something belonging to a friend. I still have that photocopy. I still feel guilty about it, but I keep it to remind me that I need to come clean with this person. I've never lied to them about it. But i know that copying it in the first place was wrong.

FIVE

I keep feeling like I have to lie to my Mom regarding Daniel. She keeps asking me questions. I keep trying to stay out of it. Last weekend she accused me of making it worse, of hurting her by not telling her things she needs to know. This made me feel really bad. But I really don't believe that it's my place to tell her.

and a bonus

SIX

There's this person that I'm pretty sure thinks i know everything about them. I don't really. I know very little. I don't even know where they live. Although I'm sure I could find it on whitepages if i cared enough to look.

FYI google does not provide any helpful information for how to make yourself not love someone who doesn't love you back

I'm looking for someone that's not me, someone that thinks of things that I would never think of, that thinks a different way home from the store is shorter, someone I can learn from, explore, and keep exploring for the rest of my life. Someone that I never quite completely figure out.

i think i'm an open book, but it's not really true, there are lots of parts that I keep back for the special people, and a few parts that i almost completely keep back, but that i'm dying to share with someone who's earned it

I feel guilty for judging people for being too simple. I like complicated. I like tortured. I like the high end of the intelligence scale. It seems like maybe these things are related, that the simpler people are happy. Because they're blissfully unaware of all of the things to be unhappy about.

Not that I'm unhappy. I'm only unhappy when I think too much. I think too much a lot. I'm happy when i'm distracted and having fun, or distracted and working really hard, or distracted and running, really just distracted is what it takes. It's easy to be unhappy when you let yourself focus on all the problems in the world.

It's also easy to be distracted and ignore them. I don't want to be distracted, it's unfair to all those who are suffering to just pretend like everything is great. On the other hand, I don't want to be unhappy.

I need more time to help more people. I guess that'll be easier soon when I'm not tied down to a job everyday. It's not like I actually need all that bar studying time anyway.

It rained today. The summer's officially over. Maybe some other things are officially over too.

I had a dream that I received an anonymous orchid delivery.
If that happened to me in real life. It would be the best day ever.
----
So a few weeks back I was watching “Chasing October” with Stacey, which by the way is a very excellent movie that I thoroughly enjoyed even though it’s about the Cubs.

I like ideas, so I was brainstorming with Stacey a documentary that we should make (i.e. talk about for fun but never actually really work on). It’s a lot like Chasing October, but more centered on the lives of the characters. The main characters all have season tickets and sit in the same section at the stadium. Throughout the season/movie you learn about their lives and they interact with one another. All of the characters are die hard fans – why would they have season tickets if they weren’t. At some point you start to notice that when the team is doing well and things are looking up, their lives also seem to be going well. All sorts of positive life events will be tied with the fate of the team.

Anyway, I invested too much thought into this and was journaling about it, etc. And at some point I made this movie in my head about us – tied to the fate of the Cardinals. I’ve had a lot of hope lately, because I keep watching and praying and they keep doing well. And now we’re down to the final game of the season. They could lose tonight. They could win the wild card tonight. They could force a tiebreaker game with the Braves tonight. The fate of the post-season quite possibility rests on the performance of 9-15 ish players and how bad they want this. And someone in my head, the fate of our future, our ability to work this out, to fix things also rests on this same event. Yet, we can’t control it. We aren’t those players. It doesn’t matter how bad I want this, it doesn’t change anything. If wanting it bad enough could make a baseball team win, the Cubs would have won a World Series at some point. Their fans want it bad – the probably want it the most out of any teams fans. On a tangent, I think Hitler hates the Cubs is a hilarious youtube video.

Now I’m worried. Everything comes down to tonight.

I might have to change the end of my movie. Maybe all season the ups and downs of the characters are connected with the team. And then at the end, the team wins the pennant in a fantastic game, at the same time that the characters lives are falling apart.

Let Me In

You spent all this time
building the great wall of china
around yourself
with a two way mirror
so that you can be in me
body, heart, and soul
constantly drilling in
harder and deeper
while maintaining your defenses
until I’m shattered

I want inside the enemy lines
and to keep everyone else out
to be privy to your most
inner thoughts and deeds
to protect myself
for only you to hear me scream
complete
all me; all you
in one fleeting moment
for eternity

Let me in
Hear my screams
Feel my cuts
mark me with you