I would literally give anything to be privy to your thoughts right now.

to know what you really think and feel

not what you want people to think

or what you say

I wish i could just ask you

that we could be friends, who talk, who work through it

I thought I was shut off about my feelings

but the one reason this isn't really resolved

is that you can't open yourself up enough

to just talk about it

i know you think it's been talked about a million times

but i disagree

i mean real talking about it

sharing how we feel, in detail, no matter how uncomfortable

even if it takes the entire night

and it probably would

my only goal at this point

is to have no regrets

and right now you're making that really hard

I'm sorry I fell in love with you at the wrong time.

Long Day; Long Week

I'm not just like everyone else.

This situtation is unique - it's not the same one that all these complaining people on the internet are going through....

they say...

have respect for yourself and know that you're better than pining after someone who doesn't even care how you feel

they say...

stop living in a fantasy world and deal with reality the way it is, accept people as they are

I don't think they're wrong, except for me, in this situation right now:

I have self-respect. Sometimes I feel pathetic, but it's just societies influence telling me that I should feel pathetic. It's not me. I firmly believe that when you want something you work for it, you don't just give up because things get a little rough. What kind of self-respect would I have if I just gave up without knowing that I literally did everything that I could do.

And no, I still don't believe that I've done everything that I can do. I'm not sure exactly what it is that I need to do, but I know for a fact I have not exhausted all options.

Second, I'm not living in a fantasy world. I don't sit around thinking about what a perfect world would be like - well most of the time anyway. I just firmly believe that reality is not as it appears.

I absolutely do not believe with any part of my soul that this is over. It does not work that way. I will not let it. Evenmoreso lately, I really love him. Enough to try my hardest to let him realize his situation on his own and to fix it. I pray for him daily. I pray for her too, that's she's eventually happy and becomes a better person. Don't worry, I also pray that I become a better person.

I believe that he loves me. That he always will. That he just needs to accept that and take a chance. You cannot have magic if you aren't willing to risk something. I'm not the one that should be saying this - I've never been willing to risk anything in the past, but it's still true.

It's not easy. It will never be easy. But you're worth it to me. Stop just taking the easy way out.

And everyone stop thinking I'm crazy and I have no reason to believe these things. I don't know what kind of reason you're looking for but I have all the reason I need. I have faith and I know what I feel and I know what it felt like the last time we touched. And I will never forget that feeling.

i don't know if i'm going to get through today

i'm not unmotivated

i'm just pathetic

i just can't seem to be motivated for anything for the right reasons

i feel like a piece of shit

i worked out this morning

because if i lose weight maybe brian will like me more

i studied for the bar at lunch

because if i'm closer to brian, he has less option to avoid me

i yelled at daniel about finding my missing stuff

because i really want the stuffed animal that belonged to brian

i watched some "how i met your mother"

because brian likes that show and maybe it'll make me more interesting

i read a book - only like 10 pages, but i don't have that much time

because reading books makes people smarter and maybe brian will like me more

I tried really hard today - it being the first day of a new year and all. I didn't cry. I didn't whine to Stacey. I just tried to let it go. The problem is, i don't know how people are supposed to just let things go - yes, i understand that you have to want to and I do want to. But at the same time, how can you just let something go when you feel that it's true to the very core of your existence?

I guess that sounds weird, but I don't know how else to explain it. Every part of me completely believes that Brian is making a huge mistake, it's like I can feel it in my bones - which is even weirder I admit.

How can something be wrong when it feels so right? I've been praying about this for months - the best criticism I can get is that I must not be listening to the answer, but I swear that i'm listening as hard as possible. I lay in bed every night, I'm never very good at words, but it goes something like this in my head...

...Sometime I feel like I may have missed the opportunity you placed in front of me to be happy. Please help me to understand the love I feel inside and to use it to further your plan. Please take my will and mold it to yours. Please help me to stop feeling this hurt and to start healing and if i must continue to feel this, please comfort me. Please help me to know your will in this - if i must learn, please open my heart so that I may be more willing to learn. I pray for them, that they are open to your word and that you speak to them so they may choose the right path. If they are on the right path, please allow me to feel joy and to let go of any negativity..... etc, etc, etc.

Everyday, without ceasing, i don't know or understand what else I'm supposed to do. Yet every morning, I still wake up with a certain belief that this is not the way things are supposed to be. That given a proper chance - with mutual effort and prayer - Brian and I could, should create magic.

I'm a stupid girl. I believe in magic. And that anything can happen. And that if i'm really good - and ask nicely enough, at night in my prayers - God will let me speak to Brian, in a way that he can hear me. Like I said, I'm a stupid girl. But I just can't shake this.

I feel like I'm exhausted everything I have - I've talked to friends, a counselor, my mom, God.

No one can help me - because my fundamental belief that Brian loves me can't be shaken. The counselor says - let's assume that's not true and work from their - WASTE OF TIME - we can assume that all you want, but I don't believe it - so it doesn't matter.

It's not that I don't have every reason to let go of that belief - I just can't - it feels truer than the sun rising in the east and setting in the west everyday. If someone told me to just assume the sun didn't do that, it would be hard to do that as well. I don't just believe it - something in me knows it.

Stacey's latest suggestion is that I really need to hear it from Brian himself - face to face. I said that's great - let's go to Denver. She refused. She said she was unwilling to deal with picking up the pieces after it sank in and that she didn't trust what I might do. Great.

It's New Year's Eve.... and until midnight anything can happen.

nothing matters

because i love him in a million different ways.

contexts

vignettes

times

days

like a brother, a best friend, in love

tomorrow, yesterday, right now

and something is better than nothing.

and this wasn't the only way to handle the situation.

i don't hold grudges

i can be swept off my feet

I won't die just because Jinglyfeet is in the picture.

I will die without him in my picture.

Not literally, but my will to

improve, succeed, live

everyday this is more and more real for me

everyday this isn't over for me

more than anything

i need resolution

and i need you

to have a little faith in me

Long day, three things:

1. Some Christmas pictures got tagged tonight and they reminded me how out of control my weight has been. Others have told me they have had similar problems when taking anti-depressants. I stopped taking the medications. I have no appetite. So hopefully it'll be fine soon.

But it's still kind of awkward - Hi, Stranger, I gained 20lbs recently because I was taking anti-depressants. You should ignore the extra weight, and the fact that I'm sad, and like me anyway. Thanks!

2. I'm addicted to "How I Met Your Mother". I think i should stop - it hasn't been helpful to my overall mood. But i really like it anyway. It's just another way that I give myself false hope.

3. I've been feeling really shitty the last few days. I'm really hoping that it will be at least tolerable my next week. On Monday, I didn't really get out of bed. Since then I've had no choice - if I did, I'd probably still be in bed. At least work is distracting.

I've got a lot more to say, I'm just not motivated to write it right now. Maybe tomorrow.

It isn't over until I say it's over.