It's so much easier to see others' potential than your own.
I look at you and know how much you could do, what you could be, how many people you could affect.
It's hard not to be jealous.
It's hard not be angry at you for wasting it.
Taking the first step is the most difficult.  Letting go of your security blanket.  Standing on a limb - even if you end up standing there alone.
Being alone isn't the scariest thing I can think of.  The scariest thing I can think of is falling short of the life God planned for you because you were too scared to take a risk............

Yes, this is what I think I have done.  I sometimes think I've ruined my life because I was too afraid to take a risk.  Sure, I can take the kind of risk where I move out to California with no plan, but taking an emotional risk has been pretty much out of the question.

This blog is, and always has been, an emotional risk for me.  Even if no one sees it.  The chance that someone can see inside of me - know all of my weaknesses, insecurities, thoughts, prayers.  It's terrifying.

But it's what I feel like I've been asked to do.  Completely open myself up.  And take whatever consequences come my way.   Be honest, at any cost.

to be honest, the cost sucks.  opening myself up has cost me one of the best friends I ever had.  Not that I was a good friend, but someone who was a good friend to me.  Someone I'd like to emulate.  opening myself up has made me feel more insecure and rejected than I ever thought possible.  it's hard for me to understand god's plan in this.

It's devastating to think that this is what it takes for me to learn a lesson.  I know I have tons of other lessons to learn, I don't look forward to them if they're this hard.

Everyone has things they have to bear.  Maybe mine is really the knowledge of how badly I screwed up and knowing that I'll never have the opportunity to fix it.

Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter. 

This has never been more true that today.  It's hard to live in this world and keep your focus on the things that really matter. It's really hard.  But i'm trying.

Relationships matter.  Today I'm just trying to fix the ones that are broken.  Trying to be a better friend than I've been in the past.  Trying to be a better friend than I've been in the best.  Trying.

And I need help.  Lord, please help me.

Are you willing to say to God that He can have whatever he wants?  Do you believe wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life? Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made?  


Right choices are not easy.  Figuring out which choice is right is not easy.  Francis suggests that one of the bests things you can do is surround yourself with people who will challenge you to do better every moment.  Think about the choices you are currently making in your life - are you embarrassed to tell your role models?  You should be even more embarrassed that God knows.  It's never too late to correct wrong choices.  This is what I'm trying to work on everyday lately - doing my best to correct wrong decisions.  It's still frustrating that I can't correct other people's bad choices, or encourage them to do the same.  Really the only thing I can do is pray for them.  Keep praying and continue to take a good hard look at everything I do and ensure that I wouldn't be embarrassed about it.


True faith means holding nothing back; it bets everything on the hope of eternity.  


This is the line I have to hold on to.  The place where I need to put in more effort.  Not being afraid.

Jesus' call to commitment is clear: He wants all or nothing.  


Halfway means nothing.  Halfway is not enough.  I don't want to be halfway.

I miss Farmville today.
I miss having something stupid to waste my time on.
I miss how much I actually cared about it.
I always had a goal to master everything possible in that game.
I spent hours figuring out the perfect name for the two dogs I adopted.  Poor Wainright.
I miss talking about Farmville for an hour with Brian.

I'm trying so hard to replace this kind of thinking.  But some days it's really hard.
I need to remember that I can't do this on my own and that I need to ask for help.
Constantly.
Not just a prescribed time of day.

Today I did something for me.  Not to make myself look better.  Not for Brian.  Not for anyone.  Just for me.
And i feel really good about it.  It might sounds stupid to say that apologizing was just for me, but it was.  Which is probably selfish.  It should also be for her - it should be to make her feel better.  But really it's something that I've been needing to do for a really long time.  It's something that I needed on the inside.  It's something that I needed to do before I can let this go.

The hardest part for me is being vulnerable to her right now.  It's hard to not be worried about getting made fun of, or my apology being ignored, or just not being forgiven.  I just have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter.  I've done all I can do.  I just have to leave it up to God.  And be the biggest person I can be.  I was sincere, I feel bad and I don't want her to be worried.  That really is all I can do.

did i ever mention how much i love 'how i met your mother'?  I think I love it more everything I watch it.  I have a favorite episode right now, it's this one:

http://movies.netflix.com/WiPlayer?movieid=70218550&trkid=3325854&t=How+I+Met+Your+Mother%3A+Ssn+4%3A+Happily...

Season 4, Episode 6 - Happily Ever After.
It sets a good goal for me.  The only problem is that you have to have a reason to let something go.  I'm looking for that reason.  I still haven't quite found it.
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I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I have nothing.  If i give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.  1 Cor. 13:2-3.  According to God, we are here to love.  Not much else really matters.  


What is love?  


Rachael is patient
Rachael is kind
Rachael does not envy or boast
Rachael is not arrogant or rude
Rachael does not insist on her own way
Rachael is not irritable or resentful
Rachael rejoices with the truth
Rachael bears all things
Rachael believes all things
Rachael hopes all things

This is the standard I must hold myself to every day.  It's always a work in progress.  But i know that if I compare myself today with myself a year ago, things are better.  That doesn't mean I still don't have a lot of work to do.  Some of it is repairing problems from the past.  Which is really what I'm working on right now. I pray that God will help me to find the right words to say.

Lukewarm people are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control.  This focus on safe living keeps them from sacrificing and risking for God.  


Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so that they never have to.  They don't have to trust God if something unexpected happens - they have their savings account.  They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live - they have life figured and mapped out.  They don't depend on God on a daily basis - their refrigerators are full and they are in good health.  The truth is, their lives wouldn't look very much different if they stopped believing in God.


..any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.  Luke 14:33
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Tonight I'm contemplating my life and my decisions.  For the longest time, I really believed that moving here was a terrible decision and a huge mistake.  I think that way of thinking was wrong.  I've been trying to learn a lesson for a long time.  I'm just stubborn and not learning it very well.  Instead of praying and depending on God, I complained and pushed people away from me.  God gave me so many opportunities, but I mostly ignored them. I was too busy thinking selfishly and not seeing the big picture.  And then the brian thing, well until a long time after that started, I still wasn't getting it.  At some point  not getting it becomes exhausting.

I don't want to be safe.  I want to put everything on the line. I'm trying.  I need to try hard.

Dear Lord,
Please help me to try harder.  At everything.  Try harder at being vulnerable.
Try harder at doing what you ask.  Try harder at being patient with Brian.
Try harder at work.  Try harder at not sinning.  Just try harder at living the life you demand.
Amen.