Question of the Day: What am i giving to this relationship? 1. My silence. Right now it's hard - it seems like the most I can give is my silence. Which is what I'm doing. it's a lot for me. It's hard, maybe i just think it's not enough b/c i don't want to do it. 2. Honesty. My truth isn't popular. It's cost me what feels like everything. But i know i would have never been okay with it if I hadn't said something. What if is worse than knowing the answer. Even though it doesn't feel like it right now. 3. A Chance. I'm not changing my mind. I'm not unsure. I will see this through. It feels like just yesterday when I couldn't imagine this ever happening. That I was too stupid and scared to fix things, to make them right. And then it all fell apart. I'm committed to giving this a real shot. I think that things can be repaired and fixed and could be perfect. I will not be the one to give up on us. I will sacrifice my pride and follow through with this commitment. i guess i'm also just trying to follow god's path for my life and see where it leads me. there isn't much more i can do.

I've been working on this for a while now. I was given advice that this is truly what I need to do. Really, I think everyone should do it. But you have to spend some time and be honest with yourself. And you have to be honest with yourself if the person that you want to fit the qualifications just doesn't. Not that everyone's perfect or that there's an exact amount of deficient you can be and it still be okay. It's more of an overall vibe. ----------------------------- What I'm looking for.... (you only get 5 per category, hence the need to change this a million times and sometimes add two together to cheat a little) A. Church and Family 1. someone who is involved in their church 2. someone who will challenge me to strengthen my relationship with God everyday 3. someone who wants to get married within the next 3 years 4 someone who wants children, preferably 5 or 6 even, but at least 3. 5. someone with a close relationship with their family B. Personal Interests 1. someone who is interested in traveling, cooking, running 2. someone who is willing to just play facebook games or watch tv or movies and just be low key sometimes 3. someone who likes baseball and going to any kind of live sporting event 4. someone who likes to discuss intellectual things sometimes, even if it's politics and i hate politics 5. someone who likes to do volunteer activities, programs, help people, etc. C. Personal Attributes 1. someone who is willing to disagree with me 2. someone who has a good sense of humor and can laugh at themselves 3. someone who is smart and motivated 4. someone who genuinely loves other people and shows it constantly 5. someone who leads by example C. Physical Appearance/Chemistry - this category is hard... 1. someone who I am attracted to??? it's not like there's an exact look, it's more of a vibe/feeling 2. someone who is male??? 3. someone who is attracted to me??? 4. someone who is sexually adventurous (in the proper situation, of course) 5. someone who makes me feel comfortable being me

I am not strong enough to love you and walk with you on my own. I can't do it and I need you - deeply and desperately. I believe you are worth it - that you are better than anything else I could have in this life or the next. I want you. And when I don't, I want to want you. Be all in me. Take all of me. Have your way with me. Everyday again. With you, for you, through you I will get over this. I'm giving more of myself than I have to give. There is nothing I can do to prove myself to you except ask for your grace and mercy. May it abide in me. Amen

dammit, i keep trying not to feel this way, but it feels like everything is closing in around me today and i can't breathe and i'm just freaking out and it makes it worse when i admit that i need you. i wish it didn't have to be embarrassing. I wish i didn't feel like I needed anyone. I wish I could be happy with just me. i used to be. before i met you.

I'm just trying to keep myself busy, and I'm doing a pretty good job of it. There's lots to do around here after moving and everything. Today I read a lot about control, and letting God be in control of your life. The idea sounds really easy, but the execution is far from easy. Just because God is in control, doesn't mean you don't have to work. Work, really, really hard. I think God just points in the direction of where your work should be focused. I am really thankful for my dad. He really did his best to teach me to work really hard for things and that I have to take responsibility for being lazy and not doing as well as I could. I think after I got 3rd place in the spelling bee in like 5th or 6th grade, he told me that he was happy I won a place, but that I could have gotten 1st place if I had put a little bit more time into it. I knew he was right. That's what makes things even more difficult now. It's hard for me to let go of the idea that there must be something I can do to fix this situation. It's hard not to believe that it's my fault. That I can't just try harder, do better, do more.... do something. I keep going over and over in my head the things I have done, good and bad, and trying to convince myself that options are exhausted. Sending that apology email was literally all I had left. And I did my best. It was sincere, with no exaggeration, and at least semi-private. I don't know what more I could have done. I don't know what more I could do. Dear Lord, Tonight I pray not only that you will help me to see that I've done all I can do, but that you will help me to accept that this is an okay resolution. I pray that you please continue to be with Brian, and that you help him to forgive me and let go of any negativity. If there is anything that I can do, please help me to know. I'm trying to do my best, but I know it's not good enough. It's never good enough. Please forgive me for failing to live up to your standards, and help me to try harder tomorrow. In Jesus' Name Amen

I haven't been neglecting. I've been reading, and studying, and thinking. I just haven't had time to post. Moving is busy. Having a lot of friends and a good support system around is energizing. And exhausting. It just sucks that something is missing. I'm going to try out a church tomorrow. I'm hopeful that it will be the right one and that I don't have to try out a lot of different ones. I have a lot of things to post about piling up. I should be able to get to them this week maybe. I just have one simple prayer tonight. If it be in your will, guide him to me.

Why can't God just make him want me?