Do you know how it feels to be lonely even when you around other people?  Or to actually be alone and realize that what you want more than anything is to have someone you can call who will just be on the phone with you, even if you have nothing interesting or important to say?

I'm still not used to not having that.  And some days it's hard.  I spent around 12 waking hours by myself today.  I know that a lot of people really enjoy their alone time, and I'm more than capable of occupying myself when I have things to do, but after a few hours I get really lonely.  My gut reaction is to pick up the phone.

Today I picked up the phone and realized that I didn't have anyone to call.

I have to make myself realize that this is my life.  This is how things are.  This is who I am and where I am.  I've been ignoring and avoiding it for so long.  I'm still shocked my how few calls I get and how little I use my phone.  I'm still so used to being that person who talks on the phone a lot.  It's been a really long time.  It's been more than a year - I really have to start getting over this and moving past it.  I just don't really know how.

I don't want to be lonely.  I don't want to be alone.  At the same time, I'm not interested in making new friends.  I'm definitely not interested in dating.  It's not that i'm actively trying not to be interested in these kinds of things, I'm just not.  It takes so much effort, it's so exhausting.  And I'm worried that it won't be worth the effort in the long run.  I can't invest years in someone and not have them be around forever.  In the dating front, I don't have years to invest in anyone.  I have maybe two, or three max.

It's probably a little bit of depression - but I don't want to see a therapist, I don't need to talk about it.  I talk about it enough already.  And i'm smart enough to come up with what they will say on my own.  I don't want to take any medication - I don't like the way it makes me act, or feel, or gain weight.  It's not a problem right now, it's just something I have to deal with that's always there a little bit.  There's not anything that a doctor can do for me.

I know that I just need to accept the reality of how things are and be fine with that and move on with my life. I know that.  I just can't figure out how to do it.  I don't feel like this is real - I don't believe that this is real - I don't want this to be real.  

I pray about it.  And i feel like I keep getting pulled back toward Brian no matter how much I try not to.  I don't know why God is doing this to me.  For the longest time, I've chosen to believe that it's because things are going to work out eventually and I need to keep up some hope, but days like today it feels like a cruel joke.  What did I do to deserve this?  I could have been a better person, I could have tried harder, I still could, but so many people are far worse.  It doesn't seem fair that I have to deal with this.  It doesn't seem fair that I can't just let this go.

There seem only two real options.

Maybe what I feel like is true, really is true.  There's some kind of connection there that can't be broken easily.  Maybe he'll always wonder what if and think about me.  Maybe he's too afraid not to make safe and by all accounts correct choices and to go out on a limb and find out what could be.  He seems so hurt by me - maybe he just can't stop holding on to that.  The worst part, is if all of that is true, and he still marries her.  Having second thoughts and not acting on them, not being willing to take a chance, would be the true tragedy.

Or maybe I'm crazy.  Maybe there's no hand of God in this, or in my life at all.  Maybe i'm just alone and I have to climb out of this all by myself.  Nothing that can comfort me or make it easier.  I just have to crawl through until eventually one night I fall asleep with Brian not on my mind.  That would be the start of a new life.  Brian's new life has already started - I need to not be left behind.  Maybe he's happier than he ever thought possible and I don't weigh on him.  I wish that kind of happiness on him, the kind that comes with no regrets.  Maybe he has that.

The longer you have to wait for something, the more you appreciate it when it arrives.  The harder you have to fight for something, the more priceless it will become when you receive it.  The more pain you have to endure on your journey, the sweeter the arrival at your destination.  All good things are worth waiting for and worth fighting for.  

Whatever you've been thinking about doing to change your life, improve yourself or your attitude, do it. Stop holding back. You're worth it. You can do anything you put your mind to; stop with excuses. 


Live today - don't merely exist. Get up and do it. Now.

Question of the Day:  What is your biggest fear and how have you (or are you planning) to face it?

I think that a lot of times it's hard to acknowledge your true biggest fear.  It's scary to really think about it and admit it.  At some point you have to identify it, give it a name, and put it out there so that it no longer has power over you and can't control your life.  

I know that my biggest fear is rejection, but until recently I haven't really thought about all the ways that fear of rejection has been holding me back in life.  

I can think of tons of examples of how I let fear of rejection get to me - it's the reason i'm nervous in job interviews, it's the reason i can be so clingy with friends sometimes, it's the reason i don't date/relationships have not worked out well for me, it's the reason i don't like being an attorney, it's the reason i want need everyone to like me.  Really, it's the reason I'm not as happy as I could be. 

If i wasn't so afraid of rejection, I would be able to speak up at job interviews and explain all the ways I'm an asset to a job and all the fantabulous things I could do for any company.  I feel like not getting the job is less of a rejection if they didn't get to see the real me.  At least they couldn't reject the real me.  And that would hurt a lot worse than just rejecting the base version they got to see.

I guess it's the same as holding Brian at an arm's length.  If you don't really get all of me, you can't reject the real me.  It's not that I don't want to share myself with people, I'm just terrified.  And it takes me way too long to get over being terrified.  Being naked means that I might get laughed at for being ugly or deformed or something.  Keeping clothes on is safer.  Being into sex means that someone might judge me or think what I'm into is gross.  Or worse yet, think that I'm gross.  

I just don't want to allow anyone to get to know me and then not like me.  At some point, I was really close to letting someone all the way in - and then I was devastated.  I don't know if I can even try that again.  It just feels like the most embarrassing and depreciating thing that could possibly happen.  

It's been hard for me to explain how this hurts so much.  It really is just the rejection.  Being as close as I've ever been to going all the way and getting rejected.  Not just rejected, but rejected and turned away.  When what I just need is a hug and to be told that it's not my fault - it's not because I'm fat, ugly, stupid, weird, deformed, trailer trash, unlovable, boring, mean, or useless.  I try to tell myself that, but I'm just not convincing enough.  Over time, I keep going back to the list and trying to figure out exactly what's wrong with me.  Exactly what it is about me that makes me not good enough or deserve to be rejected and turned away.  

I'm not sure how I manage to keep any hope at all considering all of this.  I think, first and foremost, I just hope that someday I can have the confirmation that I desperately want that there's nothing wrong with me.  Nothing that caused this.  And maybe that will make it easier for me to let go of some of my fear of rejection.  

This is a bad plan to face it and I know that.  It relies too heavily on someone else to fix me.  And it's just a limited purpose fix anyway.  It's stupid to just need someone to lay by me and touch my face and repeat over and over that I'm great.  I'm better than that.

But that's still all I really want.  

I'd like to see some other people really honestly answer this question.  Too bad I never will.

Sometimes it seems like there has already been about 197 songs in every genre written that express how I feel. It's so difficult to be original, so tonight I don't try. I just take solace in the fact that I'm not alone. How I feel, a multi-genre show:

Country

Not Country

Really Not Country

And finally

Because, yes

"I know that you'd be here right now, If I could have let you know somehow."

I can't stop knowing that every day.

this is stupid, but all i want to do right now is lay in bed with brian for approximately the next 24 hours

Question of the Day: What am i giving to this relationship? 1. My silence. Right now it's hard - it seems like the most I can give is my silence. Which is what I'm doing. it's a lot for me. It's hard, maybe i just think it's not enough b/c i don't want to do it. 2. Honesty. My truth isn't popular. It's cost me what feels like everything. But i know i would have never been okay with it if I hadn't said something. What if is worse than knowing the answer. Even though it doesn't feel like it right now. 3. A Chance. I'm not changing my mind. I'm not unsure. I will see this through. It feels like just yesterday when I couldn't imagine this ever happening. That I was too stupid and scared to fix things, to make them right. And then it all fell apart. I'm committed to giving this a real shot. I think that things can be repaired and fixed and could be perfect. I will not be the one to give up on us. I will sacrifice my pride and follow through with this commitment. i guess i'm also just trying to follow god's path for my life and see where it leads me. there isn't much more i can do.

I've been working on this for a while now. I was given advice that this is truly what I need to do. Really, I think everyone should do it. But you have to spend some time and be honest with yourself. And you have to be honest with yourself if the person that you want to fit the qualifications just doesn't. Not that everyone's perfect or that there's an exact amount of deficient you can be and it still be okay. It's more of an overall vibe. ----------------------------- What I'm looking for.... (you only get 5 per category, hence the need to change this a million times and sometimes add two together to cheat a little) A. Church and Family 1. someone who is involved in their church 2. someone who will challenge me to strengthen my relationship with God everyday 3. someone who wants to get married within the next 3 years 4 someone who wants children, preferably 5 or 6 even, but at least 3. 5. someone with a close relationship with their family B. Personal Interests 1. someone who is interested in traveling, cooking, running 2. someone who is willing to just play facebook games or watch tv or movies and just be low key sometimes 3. someone who likes baseball and going to any kind of live sporting event 4. someone who likes to discuss intellectual things sometimes, even if it's politics and i hate politics 5. someone who likes to do volunteer activities, programs, help people, etc. C. Personal Attributes 1. someone who is willing to disagree with me 2. someone who has a good sense of humor and can laugh at themselves 3. someone who is smart and motivated 4. someone who genuinely loves other people and shows it constantly 5. someone who leads by example C. Physical Appearance/Chemistry - this category is hard... 1. someone who I am attracted to??? it's not like there's an exact look, it's more of a vibe/feeling 2. someone who is male??? 3. someone who is attracted to me??? 4. someone who is sexually adventurous (in the proper situation, of course) 5. someone who makes me feel comfortable being me