Have to double down tonight to make up for yesterday.  I'm sorry for that.  I'm trying really hard not to skip a day, to spend at least 30 minutes of my time studying, thinking, praying.  30 minutes is nothing - it's insignificant in my day and insignificant to a God so large.  It truly is the least I can do.  

Days like today, I forget that I already have everything I need in him.  Every time I let myself feel like I can't get out of bed in the morning, or can't focus, or just want to sit around and cry, I'm being incredibly short sighted, and selfish.  I feel like a part of me is missing and I can't get it back.  I'm wrong.  I have everything I need.  I just need to refocus.  

I don't get to decide who God is.  I can't escape him, even if I want to.  Even in the darkness, the middle of the night, when I can't sleep, and I'm crying.. he knows I'm being selfish.  He knows that I know I'm being selfish.  There are people with real problems.  I am not one of them.  I am so lucky.  Tomorrow I need to go running, and I'm grateful for that.  I can run.  Frankly, it's amazing that I can even walk.  I have everything and everyone I need to be perfectly and blissfully happy.  Why can't I just see that?

Francis Chan says... The most important thing about us, about who we truly are, is what comes into our mind when we think of God.  The very core of what unites us with others is what we in our "deep heart conceive God to be like."  We should choose our friends, our spouses, based on their answer to this question, and this question alone.  Everything else will fall into place.  

I love that idea.  The very core of who we are really is related to what we feel about God.  And we don't put enough time into talking about it.  

Heavenly Father, 

Please forgive me tonight for making my life so cluttered and busy that I can't even spend half an hour purely focused on you.  Please be with me as I lay down to sleep and speak with me.  Again, I want the opportunity to ask the important questions to the people I love, to really know if I'm on the right path, and to feel peace with the answer.  You know me, I can't hide from you, you know that I would run away to Vegas and get married tomorrow and truly believe that everything would work itself out.  I know this optimism only creates disappointment.  I have to leave this decision to you and have faith that things will work out as you want them to.  Everything operates on your whim and for you.  Please help me to have peace with that.

In Jesus' Name I Pray

Amen

Dear Heavenly Father,
It's good to be reminded that your laws aren't in place to keep us down or bind us, but to protect us from hurt and to create the happiest existence possible on this earth.  It's so easy to fall into the trap of feeling like the rules are constricting and keeping me from what I want to do.  Please help me to remember that what I want to do is dumb, what you demand from me is what is necessary.  Please help me to relinquish control of my life, especially regarding Brian.  I really miss Brian.  The few small reminders of how things could be, of the dynamic, just reminded me of old things and stirred up old feelings.  I don't understand this.  I can't deal with this on my own.  I know that I have to be patient, to continue to leave this up to you.  Please help me to not interrupt or misconstrue your plan.  I just want to do the right thing.  Please be with me and help me to focus my thoughts as I go to sleep.
In Jesus Name I Pray
Amen

Today is a day to marvel.  How can anyone look at God's creation and not believe.  Today I'm not going to ask for anything.  It was disheartening to hear of our president's endorsement today, to know how many more people will be accepting and tolerating and encouraging of sin.  Maybe he should take some time to really look around.

I bought two new books.  So far i'm enthralled with Crazy Love. "The wise man comes to God without saying a word and stands in awe of him." Through his creation we can understand more about him.  It's not that it's really new or different, it's just want I need to hear right now.  Something positive.  Something to make me excited.  Something that makes me want to be a part of this world and not just go through the motions.  I feel like I've been walking around like a zombie for the last year. Not living, not really going anywhere.  Preferring to live in my daydreams, where things are happy and the way they are supposed to be.  Wanting to live anywhere, but here, in this life, by myself.

I also bought Lost Scriptures, that's where I'm going next.  Sometimes I think about joining a real scholarly bible study.  Only I can't find any.  Maybe I need to create my own.  Or maybe it needs to be more of a book club, because a lot of people that go to these kinds of things would be offended by the things I want to read.  Ever since The Missionary Position, i've been really interested in knowing as much as I can know and learn and understand.

Dear Lord,
Tonight, just be with me as I go to sleep.  Protect and help those I love.  You light up my world like no one else.  Let me tell you that on repeat.
Amen.

Dear Heavenly Father, I love you and I need you.  More than ever.  I'm so sick and tired of not living up to your standards.  Of not being the best person I can be.  The fact that you aren't disgusted with me, that you love me no matter what, that you continue to give me chances leaves me amazed.  I'm sorry that I continue to make selfish choices despite knowing what you want for me.  I'm sorry that you provided me with numerous opportunities for happiness with a strong Christian role model, and I ignored them.  More than ignored them, walked all over them, and tossed them in the trash.  I know that moving to Missouri is the right choice for me right now.  I know that I need to make my family an even more important part of my life than it already is.  I know that I need to be faithfully involved with a community and church group.  I know that love is patient and kind, not demanding, jealous, and judgmental.  Just as you are patient and kind to me, and I have to work harder to be patient and kind to those I love.

Please help me to forgive Brian, and treat him with all the patience and kindness that he deserves.  Please be with him.  I know that he really needs you right now.  Your guidance and support are invaluable.  I pray that he is blessed with a relationship that lasts for life, waking up each and every day being grateful for the life you have blessed him with.  Particularly, I pray that you send him guidance regarding his career path and help him to place himself in the right place to serve you to the greatest extent possible.

Please help me to stop resenting the suffering I feel, and use it to become closer to you.  My suffering and rejection cannot compare to the way you must feel every time I make a wrong choice, or knowingly turn away from you.  I'm so sorry for this.  I can't say it won't continue to happen, but I sincerely am sorry and am trying to find a better way.

Please be with me as I fall asleep and help me to keep my thoughts pure.  I love imagining all the ways that I can show and prove my love, but it's selfish of me to imagine them with Brian.  Please help me to keep Brian from my thoughts tonight.  and every night.  I have to learn that love means letting go.

In Jesus' Name I Pray
Amen

Heavenly Father,
Today is a day to listen and not talk.
I want to be sure that I'm not talking over you.
or interrupting before your done.
I've known since I was like 12 that I'm supposed to be doing something.
I just need to put more effort into figuring out that something.
Which is why I need to listen.
And then actually act on the answers.
Amen.

No matter how many hours I spend praying, the message hasn't changed.
The perfect life was provided for me.
The perfect person.
And I threw it away.
Me.  No one else.  Just me.
This is a really tough lesson to learn.
I pray that I stop having to learn it.
I don't need anything except for my God to give me hope.
I will not stop hoping.
Until the last day of my life.

1. Pray

The most important place to begin is to pray (or continue praying) about this call you sense. Your feeling that God is calling you is not some fluke or self-conjured up idea; it is a gift from God, an invitation into a deeper relationship with God. No matter how your vocation ends up expressing itself (nun, spouse, parent, teacher, advocate, etc.), you are being called right here, right now, to draw closer to God.

Be open to listening to God, no matter how crazy or confusing it feels. Embrace the possibility of whatever God has in mind for you. It may be a radical shift to a different way of life than you imagined for yourself, or it may be something you’ve kinda known all along. And it could be both!

Remain faithful to pray even when it is difficult or feels like it is going nowhere. Spend more time in prayer and/or be more intentional in the prayer time that you already have. If you are used to praying first thing in the morning, consider praying again before you go to bed. Review your day and ask God to help you see how God has been with you in the daily stuff of life. If you are drawn to the Rosary, consider praying the Rosary with the specific intention of knowing more deeply how Mary and how Jesus responded to their calling.

Read scripture, particularly the stories of people trying to figure out how God is calling them and how they can respond. Here are some of those stories (for more check out this listing of Bible stories from vocations.ca):

• Mary (Luke 1:26-38)
• Ruth (Book of Ruth 1:15-18)
• Disciples (John 1:35-50)
• Jeremiah (Jeremiah 1: 4-10)
• Isaiah (Isaiah 6:1-10; 49:1-6)
• Samuel (1 Samuel 3:1-21)
• John and Peter (Matthew 4:18-22)
• Paul (Romans 1:1-7; Acts of the Apostles 9:1-19)

Imagine yourself in the story. How would you respond? What words is God speaking to you?

Pray with others. Participate in the Eucharistic Liturgy, attend to a bible study or faith-sharing group, pray with others who can encourage and support you.