Are you willing to say to God that He can have whatever he wants?  Do you believe wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life? Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made?  


Right choices are not easy.  Figuring out which choice is right is not easy.  Francis suggests that one of the bests things you can do is surround yourself with people who will challenge you to do better every moment.  Think about the choices you are currently making in your life - are you embarrassed to tell your role models?  You should be even more embarrassed that God knows.  It's never too late to correct wrong choices.  This is what I'm trying to work on everyday lately - doing my best to correct wrong decisions.  It's still frustrating that I can't correct other people's bad choices, or encourage them to do the same.  Really the only thing I can do is pray for them.  Keep praying and continue to take a good hard look at everything I do and ensure that I wouldn't be embarrassed about it.


True faith means holding nothing back; it bets everything on the hope of eternity.  


This is the line I have to hold on to.  The place where I need to put in more effort.  Not being afraid.

Jesus' call to commitment is clear: He wants all or nothing.  


Halfway means nothing.  Halfway is not enough.  I don't want to be halfway.

I miss Farmville today.
I miss having something stupid to waste my time on.
I miss how much I actually cared about it.
I always had a goal to master everything possible in that game.
I spent hours figuring out the perfect name for the two dogs I adopted.  Poor Wainright.
I miss talking about Farmville for an hour with Brian.

I'm trying so hard to replace this kind of thinking.  But some days it's really hard.
I need to remember that I can't do this on my own and that I need to ask for help.
Constantly.
Not just a prescribed time of day.

Today I did something for me.  Not to make myself look better.  Not for Brian.  Not for anyone.  Just for me.
And i feel really good about it.  It might sounds stupid to say that apologizing was just for me, but it was.  Which is probably selfish.  It should also be for her - it should be to make her feel better.  But really it's something that I've been needing to do for a really long time.  It's something that I needed on the inside.  It's something that I needed to do before I can let this go.

The hardest part for me is being vulnerable to her right now.  It's hard to not be worried about getting made fun of, or my apology being ignored, or just not being forgiven.  I just have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter.  I've done all I can do.  I just have to leave it up to God.  And be the biggest person I can be.  I was sincere, I feel bad and I don't want her to be worried.  That really is all I can do.

did i ever mention how much i love 'how i met your mother'?  I think I love it more everything I watch it.  I have a favorite episode right now, it's this one:

http://movies.netflix.com/WiPlayer?movieid=70218550&trkid=3325854&t=How+I+Met+Your+Mother%3A+Ssn+4%3A+Happily...

Season 4, Episode 6 - Happily Ever After.
It sets a good goal for me.  The only problem is that you have to have a reason to let something go.  I'm looking for that reason.  I still haven't quite found it.
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I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I have nothing.  If i give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.  1 Cor. 13:2-3.  According to God, we are here to love.  Not much else really matters.  


What is love?  


Rachael is patient
Rachael is kind
Rachael does not envy or boast
Rachael is not arrogant or rude
Rachael does not insist on her own way
Rachael is not irritable or resentful
Rachael rejoices with the truth
Rachael bears all things
Rachael believes all things
Rachael hopes all things

This is the standard I must hold myself to every day.  It's always a work in progress.  But i know that if I compare myself today with myself a year ago, things are better.  That doesn't mean I still don't have a lot of work to do.  Some of it is repairing problems from the past.  Which is really what I'm working on right now. I pray that God will help me to find the right words to say.

Lukewarm people are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control.  This focus on safe living keeps them from sacrificing and risking for God.  


Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so that they never have to.  They don't have to trust God if something unexpected happens - they have their savings account.  They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live - they have life figured and mapped out.  They don't depend on God on a daily basis - their refrigerators are full and they are in good health.  The truth is, their lives wouldn't look very much different if they stopped believing in God.


..any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.  Luke 14:33
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Tonight I'm contemplating my life and my decisions.  For the longest time, I really believed that moving here was a terrible decision and a huge mistake.  I think that way of thinking was wrong.  I've been trying to learn a lesson for a long time.  I'm just stubborn and not learning it very well.  Instead of praying and depending on God, I complained and pushed people away from me.  God gave me so many opportunities, but I mostly ignored them. I was too busy thinking selfishly and not seeing the big picture.  And then the brian thing, well until a long time after that started, I still wasn't getting it.  At some point  not getting it becomes exhausting.

I don't want to be safe.  I want to put everything on the line. I'm trying.  I need to try hard.

Dear Lord,
Please help me to try harder.  At everything.  Try harder at being vulnerable.
Try harder at doing what you ask.  Try harder at being patient with Brian.
Try harder at work.  Try harder at not sinning.  Just try harder at living the life you demand.
Amen.

Amends

Last night was hard, I feel like there are a couple of things that I need to address before I can really let go of a few specific things.

1.  Insincerity - I feel like I'm being insincere at times, or saying/thinking/doing things for the wrong reasons.  I'm trying to change this.  I'm trying to be as sincere as possible.  This is something I need to ask for help with each and every day.  For me, the insincerity springs from dishonesty.  Even though i that God knows everything - my motives, things I don't even understand myself, everything, it still feels like if i just ignore certain things, don't say them out loud, they aren't real, or they won't be held against me.  I know this is wrong.  For me, saying the kinds of things I don't want to admit out loud (or typing them) really makes them real.  It's a lot harder for me to ask for forgiveness when I have to really spell out what it is I have done.  In order to force this on myself, I will elaborate below.

2.  Dishonesty -

a.  I make excuses for myself to make myself feel better about things. One of my favorite excuses is that I can bend the rules if I love someone.  Numerous quizzes have told me, and I agree, that the primary way that I show love is through physical touch.  This gets me into trouble.  I let things go much farther than I should in general because it makes me feel loved.  I show no real boundaries with specific people because I love them.  Just because I'm fairly prudish, I still do this just as sinfully as anyone else.  I know that it's a problem, because I've been constantly limited b/c of my guilt.  I think on a lot of levels I'm prudish b/c I feel guilty.  The amount of guilt is relative to the perceived severity.  I remember the exact moment that I started feeling a lot less guilty with Brian.  I think that it coincides with the moment i realized that I was in love with him.  Nothing changed, except for how I felt.  But i remember every detail, exactly where we were, exactly what I was wearing, exactly how it felt.  I felt better about it, b/c on some level I thought it was okay b/c i loved him and in my head  this would last forever and I thought I was finally understanding what I thought he felt for quite some time. I was wrong.

It doesn't matter.  I have to stop making these kinda of excuses.  The rules don't get bent for me.  The rules are made to protect me. Maybe if i had followed the rules in the first place, I wouldn't have the feelings I have now.    Maybe i'd be less upset.  Maybe I'd feel less dirty.  Maybe I wouldn't want to be alone forever.  This is entirely my fault.  My life is a series of repercussions for the bad decisions I've made.

Sad thing is, I wouldn't go back and change it. At least I don't think I would.  Even for lack of pain and complete happiness now, it's too much to give up.  It means too much to me.  

b. I don't understand my own motives.  I don't know if it's that I don't know what I actually want.  Or if my only motive is selfishness.  Or maybe if my motive is to make it better, to fix things.  I really have no idea.  I worry that I only feel like i'm dying inside because I haven't gotten my own way.  I hope this isn't true.  It would be extremely disturbing to think that I would feel this bad and throw more than a year long temper tantrum just because I want to get my own way.  But I worry that it's possible.  I just want to know that isn't true.  I don't think it's true, but it's always in the back of my mind.  The second option is just as bad.  What if my only motive is selfishness?  Even if I would be completely and totally happy with Brian, is it worth it if he would be miserable?  Absolutely not.  I don't even know how I could be happy if he wasn't.  It's generally somewhat comforting to me to think that he is really happy - although I'm not sure I really believe that and he's done a terrible job at saying it.  Again, I hope this isn't true.  I pray to not be selfish.  But i still worry about it.  Or maybe it's the latter option, maybe I just want the opportunity to repair things, so that I don't have to blame myself.  Again, this is really just a repeat of selfishness.  I don't want to feel bad, I don't want to believe that this is my fault.  If it doesn't work out, I want it to be not because of me.  I want it to be a mutually agreed upon decision that everyone made with their best interests at heart.

I guess there is also the option of being right. I shouldn't be so hard on myself and exclude this one.  Maybe I'm right.  Maybe this isn't the way that things are supposed to be.  Maybe he is making a gigantic mistake and needs to be stopped before it's too late.

How do I know what to do if I can't even figure out what my true motive is.  I pray about this.  I have done so continuously for over a year.  Either I don't know how to understand the answer, or I haven't gotten one. Maybe the answer is simply all of the above.  I've tried to back off, especially now.  There's nothing more I can do.  I've made how I feel completely clear.  I would answer in detail and honestly any question put to me and I would do anything to make this work.  Anything isn't too much to ask, considering the things I've put him through.  Anything doesn't matter, because there's nothing he wants.  Except for maybe for me to not exist.  Or for me to hate him.  He's tried really hard on that one, and I've tried really hard too.  This would all be so much easier if I did.  I just can't.  The more it sinks in, the less anger I have.  Most of the anger I can muster is really at myself.  I think that's really why I get so emotional over this.  I'm generally not a crier.  But when I'm this upset with myself, I can't even express myself.  I just cry constantly.  I truly have nothing to offer.  I am small, insignificant, with no track records of success.  Despite what I can aspire to, I have nothing to offer, and no one should bet on me to win the race.

c.  I continue to make Michelle uncomfortable, even though I know I am doing so.  It doesn't matter if it's unreasonable.  It doesn't matter if it's funny.  It doesn't matter if it makes me feel better.  What does matter is that I know it makes her uncomfortable and I continue to do it.  That's all that matters.  It's really been impressed upon me that I have to find a way to fix that.  I've been thinking of some things.  I have a habit of coming off too strong - singing telegrams are not a good idea when someone feels invaded by you in the first place.  I do have an idea.  I just have to work on it.  It's something that I need to make a priority.  Everyone has to made amends to improve their life.  This is just a hard one for me because I don't feel like I've done anything wrong.  I need to remember that it doesn't matter if I didn't do anything wrong.  I know how it was making her feel and I didn't care.  This is what is wrong.  This is what I need to apologize for.  I should give myself a deadline - May 31.  This is the date that I have to have this taken care of by.  All i can do is be completely sincere and honest and ask for her forgiveness.  How she responds to it is her problem, and nothing I should be worried about.  I don't want to send it to her directly even though I could.  I feel like it doesn't help my creep factor.  I don't want to send it through Brian.  I don't really want it to be in his face that it's happening.  It might even be nice if he didn't know about.  Not that i'm sure she would tell him.  But maybe it'd be nice to ask her to consider not telling him.  Maybe I'll talk to Erica.  It's the best middle ground I know of.  I'll keep thinking about it.  But i have to make this a priority, I can't let go of this situation and leave it up to God until I've done the things I need to do.

It's not like this is an exhaustive list of what I have done, or am doing wrong, but it's a start.  This is a work in progress.  It sucks that I can't just say 'Dear Lord, Take this from me.  Let it be as you wish it to be.' and not worry about it anymore.  It's just not that easy.  But today I'm taking the first steps at removing this from my shoulders.  Maybe I'll feel just a smidge better tomorrow.  Maybe.

Not completely my thing, but really speaks to how I feel right now.  It's been easy to find music to fit my mood, but hard to find music to improve it.

Today was rough.  Today I was caught up in myself.  Tonight I've been bombarding myself with how wrong that is.  I'm trying to be caught up in myself less often, much less often.

Worry says that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, loving enough to take care of it.
Stress says that we think the things we are involved in our important enough to merit placing God behind them.

Stress and worry are the crutches I lean on, the mountains I hide behind, and the biggest issue that I need to deal with.  I worry that no one will ever love me for who I am.  I worry that I won't be able to live up to others and my own expectations.  I worry about getting my work done.  I worry about getting to work on time.  I worry about my family.  I worry about everything.  I stress about work.  I stress about my personal life.  I feel so overwhelmed by stress that I don't have time to devote to God.  My goal is to try to redirect my stress and worrying whenever I catch myself doing it.  This is not an easy task, but I'm determined to try.

Dear Heavenly Father -
Tonight I want to hand over all my stress and worries to you and trust that you will take care of them.  I say I want to and not that I will because I recognize how difficult this is for me.  Please forgive me for the difficulties I have in giving up control and acknowledging that everything is in your control.  This is your world.  We are here to praise you and operate at your command.  Please be with me as I go to sleep and hand over each worry to you, one-by-one and help me to recognize the peace and happiness that this brings.
In Jesus Name
Amen