Amends

Last night was hard, I feel like there are a couple of things that I need to address before I can really let go of a few specific things.

1.  Insincerity - I feel like I'm being insincere at times, or saying/thinking/doing things for the wrong reasons.  I'm trying to change this.  I'm trying to be as sincere as possible.  This is something I need to ask for help with each and every day.  For me, the insincerity springs from dishonesty.  Even though i that God knows everything - my motives, things I don't even understand myself, everything, it still feels like if i just ignore certain things, don't say them out loud, they aren't real, or they won't be held against me.  I know this is wrong.  For me, saying the kinds of things I don't want to admit out loud (or typing them) really makes them real.  It's a lot harder for me to ask for forgiveness when I have to really spell out what it is I have done.  In order to force this on myself, I will elaborate below.

2.  Dishonesty -

a.  I make excuses for myself to make myself feel better about things. One of my favorite excuses is that I can bend the rules if I love someone.  Numerous quizzes have told me, and I agree, that the primary way that I show love is through physical touch.  This gets me into trouble.  I let things go much farther than I should in general because it makes me feel loved.  I show no real boundaries with specific people because I love them.  Just because I'm fairly prudish, I still do this just as sinfully as anyone else.  I know that it's a problem, because I've been constantly limited b/c of my guilt.  I think on a lot of levels I'm prudish b/c I feel guilty.  The amount of guilt is relative to the perceived severity.  I remember the exact moment that I started feeling a lot less guilty with Brian.  I think that it coincides with the moment i realized that I was in love with him.  Nothing changed, except for how I felt.  But i remember every detail, exactly where we were, exactly what I was wearing, exactly how it felt.  I felt better about it, b/c on some level I thought it was okay b/c i loved him and in my head  this would last forever and I thought I was finally understanding what I thought he felt for quite some time. I was wrong.

It doesn't matter.  I have to stop making these kinda of excuses.  The rules don't get bent for me.  The rules are made to protect me. Maybe if i had followed the rules in the first place, I wouldn't have the feelings I have now.    Maybe i'd be less upset.  Maybe I'd feel less dirty.  Maybe I wouldn't want to be alone forever.  This is entirely my fault.  My life is a series of repercussions for the bad decisions I've made.

Sad thing is, I wouldn't go back and change it. At least I don't think I would.  Even for lack of pain and complete happiness now, it's too much to give up.  It means too much to me.  

b. I don't understand my own motives.  I don't know if it's that I don't know what I actually want.  Or if my only motive is selfishness.  Or maybe if my motive is to make it better, to fix things.  I really have no idea.  I worry that I only feel like i'm dying inside because I haven't gotten my own way.  I hope this isn't true.  It would be extremely disturbing to think that I would feel this bad and throw more than a year long temper tantrum just because I want to get my own way.  But I worry that it's possible.  I just want to know that isn't true.  I don't think it's true, but it's always in the back of my mind.  The second option is just as bad.  What if my only motive is selfishness?  Even if I would be completely and totally happy with Brian, is it worth it if he would be miserable?  Absolutely not.  I don't even know how I could be happy if he wasn't.  It's generally somewhat comforting to me to think that he is really happy - although I'm not sure I really believe that and he's done a terrible job at saying it.  Again, I hope this isn't true.  I pray to not be selfish.  But i still worry about it.  Or maybe it's the latter option, maybe I just want the opportunity to repair things, so that I don't have to blame myself.  Again, this is really just a repeat of selfishness.  I don't want to feel bad, I don't want to believe that this is my fault.  If it doesn't work out, I want it to be not because of me.  I want it to be a mutually agreed upon decision that everyone made with their best interests at heart.

I guess there is also the option of being right. I shouldn't be so hard on myself and exclude this one.  Maybe I'm right.  Maybe this isn't the way that things are supposed to be.  Maybe he is making a gigantic mistake and needs to be stopped before it's too late.

How do I know what to do if I can't even figure out what my true motive is.  I pray about this.  I have done so continuously for over a year.  Either I don't know how to understand the answer, or I haven't gotten one. Maybe the answer is simply all of the above.  I've tried to back off, especially now.  There's nothing more I can do.  I've made how I feel completely clear.  I would answer in detail and honestly any question put to me and I would do anything to make this work.  Anything isn't too much to ask, considering the things I've put him through.  Anything doesn't matter, because there's nothing he wants.  Except for maybe for me to not exist.  Or for me to hate him.  He's tried really hard on that one, and I've tried really hard too.  This would all be so much easier if I did.  I just can't.  The more it sinks in, the less anger I have.  Most of the anger I can muster is really at myself.  I think that's really why I get so emotional over this.  I'm generally not a crier.  But when I'm this upset with myself, I can't even express myself.  I just cry constantly.  I truly have nothing to offer.  I am small, insignificant, with no track records of success.  Despite what I can aspire to, I have nothing to offer, and no one should bet on me to win the race.

c.  I continue to make Michelle uncomfortable, even though I know I am doing so.  It doesn't matter if it's unreasonable.  It doesn't matter if it's funny.  It doesn't matter if it makes me feel better.  What does matter is that I know it makes her uncomfortable and I continue to do it.  That's all that matters.  It's really been impressed upon me that I have to find a way to fix that.  I've been thinking of some things.  I have a habit of coming off too strong - singing telegrams are not a good idea when someone feels invaded by you in the first place.  I do have an idea.  I just have to work on it.  It's something that I need to make a priority.  Everyone has to made amends to improve their life.  This is just a hard one for me because I don't feel like I've done anything wrong.  I need to remember that it doesn't matter if I didn't do anything wrong.  I know how it was making her feel and I didn't care.  This is what is wrong.  This is what I need to apologize for.  I should give myself a deadline - May 31.  This is the date that I have to have this taken care of by.  All i can do is be completely sincere and honest and ask for her forgiveness.  How she responds to it is her problem, and nothing I should be worried about.  I don't want to send it to her directly even though I could.  I feel like it doesn't help my creep factor.  I don't want to send it through Brian.  I don't really want it to be in his face that it's happening.  It might even be nice if he didn't know about.  Not that i'm sure she would tell him.  But maybe it'd be nice to ask her to consider not telling him.  Maybe I'll talk to Erica.  It's the best middle ground I know of.  I'll keep thinking about it.  But i have to make this a priority, I can't let go of this situation and leave it up to God until I've done the things I need to do.

It's not like this is an exhaustive list of what I have done, or am doing wrong, but it's a start.  This is a work in progress.  It sucks that I can't just say 'Dear Lord, Take this from me.  Let it be as you wish it to be.' and not worry about it anymore.  It's just not that easy.  But today I'm taking the first steps at removing this from my shoulders.  Maybe I'll feel just a smidge better tomorrow.  Maybe.

Not completely my thing, but really speaks to how I feel right now.  It's been easy to find music to fit my mood, but hard to find music to improve it.

Today was rough.  Today I was caught up in myself.  Tonight I've been bombarding myself with how wrong that is.  I'm trying to be caught up in myself less often, much less often.

Worry says that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, loving enough to take care of it.
Stress says that we think the things we are involved in our important enough to merit placing God behind them.

Stress and worry are the crutches I lean on, the mountains I hide behind, and the biggest issue that I need to deal with.  I worry that no one will ever love me for who I am.  I worry that I won't be able to live up to others and my own expectations.  I worry about getting my work done.  I worry about getting to work on time.  I worry about my family.  I worry about everything.  I stress about work.  I stress about my personal life.  I feel so overwhelmed by stress that I don't have time to devote to God.  My goal is to try to redirect my stress and worrying whenever I catch myself doing it.  This is not an easy task, but I'm determined to try.

Dear Heavenly Father -
Tonight I want to hand over all my stress and worries to you and trust that you will take care of them.  I say I want to and not that I will because I recognize how difficult this is for me.  Please forgive me for the difficulties I have in giving up control and acknowledging that everything is in your control.  This is your world.  We are here to praise you and operate at your command.  Please be with me as I go to sleep and hand over each worry to you, one-by-one and help me to recognize the peace and happiness that this brings.
In Jesus Name
Amen

Have to double down tonight to make up for yesterday.  I'm sorry for that.  I'm trying really hard not to skip a day, to spend at least 30 minutes of my time studying, thinking, praying.  30 minutes is nothing - it's insignificant in my day and insignificant to a God so large.  It truly is the least I can do.  

Days like today, I forget that I already have everything I need in him.  Every time I let myself feel like I can't get out of bed in the morning, or can't focus, or just want to sit around and cry, I'm being incredibly short sighted, and selfish.  I feel like a part of me is missing and I can't get it back.  I'm wrong.  I have everything I need.  I just need to refocus.  

I don't get to decide who God is.  I can't escape him, even if I want to.  Even in the darkness, the middle of the night, when I can't sleep, and I'm crying.. he knows I'm being selfish.  He knows that I know I'm being selfish.  There are people with real problems.  I am not one of them.  I am so lucky.  Tomorrow I need to go running, and I'm grateful for that.  I can run.  Frankly, it's amazing that I can even walk.  I have everything and everyone I need to be perfectly and blissfully happy.  Why can't I just see that?

Francis Chan says... The most important thing about us, about who we truly are, is what comes into our mind when we think of God.  The very core of what unites us with others is what we in our "deep heart conceive God to be like."  We should choose our friends, our spouses, based on their answer to this question, and this question alone.  Everything else will fall into place.  

I love that idea.  The very core of who we are really is related to what we feel about God.  And we don't put enough time into talking about it.  

Heavenly Father, 

Please forgive me tonight for making my life so cluttered and busy that I can't even spend half an hour purely focused on you.  Please be with me as I lay down to sleep and speak with me.  Again, I want the opportunity to ask the important questions to the people I love, to really know if I'm on the right path, and to feel peace with the answer.  You know me, I can't hide from you, you know that I would run away to Vegas and get married tomorrow and truly believe that everything would work itself out.  I know this optimism only creates disappointment.  I have to leave this decision to you and have faith that things will work out as you want them to.  Everything operates on your whim and for you.  Please help me to have peace with that.

In Jesus' Name I Pray

Amen

Dear Heavenly Father,
It's good to be reminded that your laws aren't in place to keep us down or bind us, but to protect us from hurt and to create the happiest existence possible on this earth.  It's so easy to fall into the trap of feeling like the rules are constricting and keeping me from what I want to do.  Please help me to remember that what I want to do is dumb, what you demand from me is what is necessary.  Please help me to relinquish control of my life, especially regarding Brian.  I really miss Brian.  The few small reminders of how things could be, of the dynamic, just reminded me of old things and stirred up old feelings.  I don't understand this.  I can't deal with this on my own.  I know that I have to be patient, to continue to leave this up to you.  Please help me to not interrupt or misconstrue your plan.  I just want to do the right thing.  Please be with me and help me to focus my thoughts as I go to sleep.
In Jesus Name I Pray
Amen

Today is a day to marvel.  How can anyone look at God's creation and not believe.  Today I'm not going to ask for anything.  It was disheartening to hear of our president's endorsement today, to know how many more people will be accepting and tolerating and encouraging of sin.  Maybe he should take some time to really look around.

I bought two new books.  So far i'm enthralled with Crazy Love. "The wise man comes to God without saying a word and stands in awe of him." Through his creation we can understand more about him.  It's not that it's really new or different, it's just want I need to hear right now.  Something positive.  Something to make me excited.  Something that makes me want to be a part of this world and not just go through the motions.  I feel like I've been walking around like a zombie for the last year. Not living, not really going anywhere.  Preferring to live in my daydreams, where things are happy and the way they are supposed to be.  Wanting to live anywhere, but here, in this life, by myself.

I also bought Lost Scriptures, that's where I'm going next.  Sometimes I think about joining a real scholarly bible study.  Only I can't find any.  Maybe I need to create my own.  Or maybe it needs to be more of a book club, because a lot of people that go to these kinds of things would be offended by the things I want to read.  Ever since The Missionary Position, i've been really interested in knowing as much as I can know and learn and understand.

Dear Lord,
Tonight, just be with me as I go to sleep.  Protect and help those I love.  You light up my world like no one else.  Let me tell you that on repeat.
Amen.

Dear Heavenly Father, I love you and I need you.  More than ever.  I'm so sick and tired of not living up to your standards.  Of not being the best person I can be.  The fact that you aren't disgusted with me, that you love me no matter what, that you continue to give me chances leaves me amazed.  I'm sorry that I continue to make selfish choices despite knowing what you want for me.  I'm sorry that you provided me with numerous opportunities for happiness with a strong Christian role model, and I ignored them.  More than ignored them, walked all over them, and tossed them in the trash.  I know that moving to Missouri is the right choice for me right now.  I know that I need to make my family an even more important part of my life than it already is.  I know that I need to be faithfully involved with a community and church group.  I know that love is patient and kind, not demanding, jealous, and judgmental.  Just as you are patient and kind to me, and I have to work harder to be patient and kind to those I love.

Please help me to forgive Brian, and treat him with all the patience and kindness that he deserves.  Please be with him.  I know that he really needs you right now.  Your guidance and support are invaluable.  I pray that he is blessed with a relationship that lasts for life, waking up each and every day being grateful for the life you have blessed him with.  Particularly, I pray that you send him guidance regarding his career path and help him to place himself in the right place to serve you to the greatest extent possible.

Please help me to stop resenting the suffering I feel, and use it to become closer to you.  My suffering and rejection cannot compare to the way you must feel every time I make a wrong choice, or knowingly turn away from you.  I'm so sorry for this.  I can't say it won't continue to happen, but I sincerely am sorry and am trying to find a better way.

Please be with me as I fall asleep and help me to keep my thoughts pure.  I love imagining all the ways that I can show and prove my love, but it's selfish of me to imagine them with Brian.  Please help me to keep Brian from my thoughts tonight.  and every night.  I have to learn that love means letting go.

In Jesus' Name I Pray
Amen

Heavenly Father,
Today is a day to listen and not talk.
I want to be sure that I'm not talking over you.
or interrupting before your done.
I've known since I was like 12 that I'm supposed to be doing something.
I just need to put more effort into figuring out that something.
Which is why I need to listen.
And then actually act on the answers.
Amen.