I hate you for always being on skype - but never on aim/facebook chat.

Long Night, Longer Day

I feel like I didn’t really sleep last night. I woke up two or three times – everytime I was right in the middle of some of kind intense dream. It seemed like it was the same one all night. Only it felt more like a nightmare - like I was just reliving the same scenario over and over again.

Rejection – I was somewhere warm and pretty. There was a pool. Everything seemed great. Until the conversation happened – the one where you told me I wasn’t good enough. That I never could be. That there was nothing you liked about me. That you didn’t even think about it one bit. That every single quality that Michelle has is perfect. And that I might as well die.

So this dream was extreme. But I’m still left with the feeling all day. Feeling rejected. Feeling not good enough for anything. Feeling like I have nothing to offer. There’s obviously something wrong with me – it’s not normal to be 28 and have never tried to have a serious relationship. I want to try. I want to put all of my effort into something – or someone rather. I want that to be the reason I wake up every morning and the last thing I think about before I fall asleep.
What did I do to deserve this?

Is there a compatibility test out there somewhere?
Because i want to take it and prove you wrong.

Regrets

I really wish I would have kissed you more when I had the chance. And not just sorta - all the way. Like the times I wrote about in my journal - the first few times. When I was scared and nervous and anything could have happened.

It's weird how vividly I remember some things when I read what I wrote about them. I wish I had written about more days. I could just read my journal all the time and live in that world instead of the one I find myself in.

I'm surprised erica and i agree so much. considering that we don't even talk, we have a similar first impression.

for brian's sake, I hope that first impression is wrong. I want him to be happy. Everyday I pray that we can both me uncontrollably happy. I also pray that I will be willing to let him be happy at my expense if that's what it requires.

I haven't ever given him that much - this is the biggest thing I can give him. It's just really hard for me to be that good of a person - I will keep trying. I have to keep trying - it's the only thing that I have right now. Trying to be better - in everyway. Trying to be a better person, trying to be more self giving, trying to lose weight.

I think on some level I think that I'm just not good enough the way I am - the person that I am. And that i need to be someone else. I was really happy for a long time - and I weighed more than I do now.

I just feel like this has messed me up so much.

I tried to go to bed, but I'm still feeling a little too hurt right now.
I think brian might have hurt my feelings tonight a little more so than in the past - and i don't feel like me meant to at all. I guess that's nice for him, but doesn't fix it on my end.

It just leaves me thinking, What the hell is wrong with me?

Why couldn't I just be nicer. It's not like i didn't think nice things. It's not like i don't wish I got flowers every week. It's not like i don't think a lot of things about brian are really great.

Why didn't I just say it? I like to get positive comments, I know it feels good. Why don't i feel like naturally giving them out?

I just cannot figure out what the hell is wrong with me right now and about how much I screwed everything up just by being insensitive and a jerk and really just a shitty person.

Knowing this is entirely my fault makes me want to be dead. I do not deserve to be happy. Why would anyone like me, ever?

I just want to stop thinking about this and stop crying and go to sleep. I'm so tired. I just need to be done.

Is it weird that Erica is sort of on my side?
Most surprising part of my day.
But doesn't change anything.

Tonight Tonight

I've been trying to keep my spirits up all night, but i'm running out of steam.
I have no right to be mad or irritated about anything.
I have no right to care what brian is doing.

But that doesn't mean that I don't want to know.
I'm used to knowing what he's doing all the time.
I liked it that way.

Stacey was gone for 4 hours. I really tried to occupy myself.
To do what he said, to think about something else everytime he pops in my head.
It's just exhausting.
I don't want to do it anymore.
I don't want to do my life like this anymore.
I know what I'm supposed to do - change my life so that I like it.
I just don't know how to do that. I can't control other people.
I can make my life be the way I want it to be.
You can't force someone to love you.

But you can tie them down and keep them from being with anyone else.

Is it a secret that I'm not getting over this?
I keep trying to make it a secret - but i don't hide things well.
It's just all hanging out there.

I don't really believe that I am going to get over it.
But i don't want to lose what little bit of brian i am allowed to have.
sometimes i really do think it would be better to be dead - even though i'm happier in general than i have been in a long time.

At least i haven't been crying lately. Well at least not when i'm on the phone. Mostly only at night, when i'm by myself and it's really dark and i feel like no one cares. And not even every night anymore. But it's not that it's getting better, it's that i'm getting better at controlling it.

I just feel really lonely all the time. I've never really felt this way before. I felt momentarily lonely - but not permanently alone.

I don't think this can be fixed. I don't know what to do.

Brian showed me his pictures.
I have no comment.
b/c i can't come up with anything nice to say.

I'm more picky about what pictures of myself I allow people to see than other people I guess. Or maybe that really is the best there is. I should just let it go at that.

I don't know if brian reads this, but i'm kinda terrified he's going to be pissed at me if he does. I don't want to have to censor myself here. I already censor myself everywhere else.

Chapter 4: Compassion
Being compassionate – I don’t think I’m uncompassionate. I like to help people. I could be more observant – but that’s a lifelong process. Specifically there are certain types of hurting that I don’t think I notice very well. For instance, I didn’t notice how much I was hurting Brian in the past. This comes from being self-absorbed, and yes, I can be very self-absorbed. Especially for the year or more I was laying around feeling sorry for myself instead of doing something useful with my time. Truthfully, I feel a lot better now. At some point, I had some sort of breakthrough. I don’t feel that unhappy in my life – I am unhappy with certain situations but am trusting that God’s will for my life will shine through.

Another problem I have is recognition. I really like getting recognition. Sometimes it’s hard for me to do things when I know that I won’t get recognized for them. I may even do some things just for the recognition. BUT maybe I’m just being a little bit too hard on myself about this. I really like doing community service and buying gifts for kids at Christmas and all sorts of other things that I get no recognition for and I’m happy with that.

“Prayer is not twisting God’s arm to do what you wish, it is communicating with God about your needs and those of others and asking him to work his perfect will in their lives and yours.”

I know this is true. I also know that it’s hard to surrender your own will. It’s also hard to know if something is my own will or not. How is it that you know what God wants you to do? There are some easy answers like, “what is right and good” or “pray and he will tell you”. But really, what if you are faced with two equally right/good options. And what if you pray all the time about it, but you don’t know what the answer is? What if you have no idea what format God’s answer is in? There needs to be a better way to breakdown how you find out what you are supposed to do. I’m obviously supposed to be doing something right now.

I keep praying about it. I want to do the right thing. I don’t know if I’m getting an answer or not. I know what I think I should be doing/what I want to do. Maybe that’s correct. It’s different than everything I’ve ever wanted before. Maybe that’s an indication that it’s right. Maybe I didn’t really change, maybe I just started listening to what is right.

I was planning on talking about overlooking faults – but I’m just not feeling it right now. Maybe I’ll save that for later.

Focus: Chapter 3

Okay, so i read the whole book, now i'm going back and focusing on one chapter at a time - this week i'm on Chapter 3. The goal is to figure out how to really apply it to my life.

The biggest lesson that I got out of Chapter 3 - Really treat others the way you want to be treated. Go all the way, no matter how extravagant and unimaginable it is. You cannot expect to get this treatment from other people if you aren't willing to give it.

So in an effort to do this, i'm going to analyze what I would want in a few different situations that are going on right now and try to be as honest as possible. Then i just need to make sure i'm doing those things. I'll start with the most obvious situation where I'm having trouble being loving.

Scenario 1: How would I want Brian to treat me if I was dating someone, thought I was in love, and he wanted to be with me?
- Fight for me. Really tell me how he feels. Make every effort to put everything out there. Why: To give me a chance to make a decision knowing all the details and options.
- Relish the fact that I still want to be friends and be happy that he can share that with me. Why: If you really care about someone, it's better to have some part of them than none at all.
- Don't give up on me. Why: I may not always know how things will work out, I may not always be right, but I would like a chance to try another option if my current situation didn't work out.
- Be happy, live life, move on. Why? I realize this is contrary to the last one, but someone I would want both at the same time. I would want both of us to be as happy as possible.

So... am I doing those things? And if so, what is the outcome? I'm going to try to do some of those things if I'm not already and then report on the outcome. I'm not exactly sure what the outcome is supposed to be though.

Questions I have: What if people don't like what I'm doing? What if other people don't want to be treated the way I want to be treated? Maybe I should make it more vague - like with respect, etc.. But it's hard to determine exactly what to do if it is vague....

24 May 2011
To Whom It May Concern:
For the foregoing reasons, I hereby resign as your friend, consort, lover, keeper, and all other roles to which I am currently delegated or have been delegated in the past. The reasons for such resignation will be thoroughly detailed below.
Time and Attention
I really care about my friends and I want to spend a lot of time with them. If I can’t have that full relationship where we know a lot about each others’ lives and genuinely want to spend time with each other, I don’t see how we can have any relationship at all.
Personality
This may sound harsh, but I don’t like who you are anymore. It’s not big things – but small things. I used to see you as one of the most generous, loving, selfless people I knew. I don’t see any of those traits anymore. At least not with me. It seems like all of the things you are trying to teach me to do, you’ve stopped doing. That’s probably an exaggeration, you haven’t stopped doing them – but you’ve stopped doing them with regard to me. You’re not supposed to just give and be nice and love the people you choose – you’re supposed to treat everyone that way.
I don’t want to be friends.
Despite all of the above, I want to love you. I want to be with you – mentally, physically, spiritually. I want your arms around me. I want to stare at you. I want to talk all night and into the morning. I want to know how you feel about everything. I like this feeling. I don’t want to forget this. I want to relish in this feeling. But it would be so much better if I could relish this feeling with you. If we could just lay in bed for an entire weekend – skin to skin, figuring out what life is really all about.
For the foregoing reasons, I respectfully withdraw my application for anything. I’m sorry I spent so long on your card, the time could have been better spent.
Sincerely,

I'm so mad right now. On soomw level I hope that I don't hear anything from brian again tomorrow. Then I just feel even more justified in being upset. Why did he have to lie to me? It's not like he couldn't send me a quick text. He just didn't. He didn't think about me at all and it hurts. I'm being positive and holding out hope. I don't know. How long i can do it. I'm praying for patience.

I haven't been blogging just in case you read this even though you said you weren't going to. I'm trying my best to do everything you need so that I'm not making things suck. I've been happier. I've convinced myself that whatever is right will happen - it just may not happen the way or the timing that I want it to.

I still think brian and michelle is not right. I might be correct. but i have to wait and see. There's not much to say other than that.

I'm down about 15 lbs. Maybe that's why I'm so happy today. I also did a really good job keeping in control of my emotions. I have to be really good this week - and we'll see how the swimsuit looks on the weekend. There will be no embarrassment in Hawaii. Besides, anything could happen.

I'm planning on having a blast. I keep thinking about how I sorta asked Brian to go first. I didn't want to make him uncomfortable. I just thought it would be really fun to share something like that with him. Maybe someday. But I can't wait for ziplining. It's going to be fantastic.

I'm starting to feel a little better about myself. This is the way it should be. Yes, I'm still upset about Brian - but I'm trying to see it for what it is. I should not feel bad. I have options. I'm pretty freaking great... and well nevermind. I still think he might regret this decision in the future - and i might not care, but you never know. Things have a funny way of working themselves out for the best. It's just hard when you really want to know what that best is right away.

I'm determined to just try to be myself, let it go, and just be happy. And whatever happens happens.

- R

I tried to stop stabbing myself. It's not really working.
--
I'm making a decision. I am letting this go - verbally, I will not talk about it anymore. If we have things to talk about, then we can talk, if we don't, then we won't I guess. But i'm still going to post stuff on here, whenever I feel like it - and bluntly - how I feel. I feel like this is the best answer, because it has to be true that being friends is better than being nothing. Even if i don't necessarily feel that way, I will try my hardest.

I need to get a few things out of my system first. I'm going to try to do it right now... please note that this does require a response. It can be written or verbal, but that's the last time this is going to come up.

1. I want you to believe that I am capable of trying. That I am capable of not being completely self absorbed, that i'm actually a nice person and that I can "love" someone in the real sense of the word. If you don't believe that, I want to know what I can do to make you believe it. Even as friends, it's important to me that you think I'm capable of doing this.

2. I want to know if you've thought about what it would be like if i did try? if you think you would be happy.

3. Do you believe that something can be right for me, but not right for you? Do you really thing their is more than one person that is right for each person? Everyone keeps telling me that if i really feel that something is right, I should fight for it. And i just can't get over the feeling that there's something about you that I have to have in my life, or it's just not worth living.

4. Can you just tell me how you really feel about me? All i keep getting is confusion, you knew it wasn't right all along, i was never really good enough, etc. I promise I won't use anything you say to try and make this into something it's not. I just want to know - i can't figure you out very well - and my interpretation changes everyday.

5. Can you please plan a time to see me. If you don't plan it, you're entire summer will be gone before you know it. You've already taken up a lot of the time when other plans. I hate that you never got to see my current apartment. And that we never got to go to a Rockies/Dodgers game. And that I didn't make the most out of opportunities I had to come to Denver.

6. I'm not sure if you know this, but I really would do anything for you right now. I guess anything includes letting this go if that's what you want. If you want me to not be in love with you, I will put all my energy into trying to do that. Maybe it will give me something to focus on - instead of imagining what my life could be like if I was with you forever.

I'm done. I have to be strong enough to tell him that tomorrow. I can't give in. I have to be done. If i keep stringing this out, I might really have to start seeing a shrink. I don't want to want to kill myself anymore.

And it's clearly not working. Stop. Give up. Be done. Let it go. Convince yourself you can do better. Convince yourself that you haven't lost the single greatest thing in life, just convince yourself dammit.

Or continue to convince yourself of a lie, no way, they would never get engaged this soon. No way, Brian can't possibly not be in love with me. No way, Brian would tell me if anything interesting was going on. No way, this is a joke. Everything and everyone will snap back to normal in no time. Just live and exist in this happy world - turn off the computer, turn off the phone. Just be. The only problem is you have to stay there forever. And you have to stay there alone. Just like earlier tonight - alone, all the lights off, quiet.

Just be done. Let it hurt, but stop stabbing yourself.

How many times do i have to say something before you remember/understand it? I can't deal with the continuous disappointment, that's really the problem. I was having a really good day, and then i got disappointed by you. I tried to let it go. Then it happened again. And then it happened a third time. And then i cried.

I don't know what else I'm supposed to do. Just die I guess. I hope Stacey gets home soon, so i don't have to be alone anymore.

I knew it was going to happen. I don't know why i tried to pretend that it wouldn't.
I know I get too bent out of place by little stuff, but I don't care. I feel that way.

This isn't working for me.

I’m having a lot of trouble concentrating today – I’m really excited. It feels like a good day, and something good is bound to happen. I’m really hopeful – and that’s a good thing.
The bad thing is that when I’m like this, I tend to get overly downer about small things. I’m just hoping for no small things to bother me today. I’m counting on it.

don't care if you read this, but I'm writing it for me. Not for you. I'm not censoring my thoughts at all - you can't hold anything that offends you against me. If you plan on doing that, you can stop reading now.
--

I can't stop comparing myself to Michelle. I know she must have some great things about her, how else could she win Brian. Everything I compare, I just can't see it. I want to know something good about her - something that makes her worth all of this. I just can't see it.

I know I've really hurt Brian in the past - apparently much worse than I really knew. I am really sorry about that. It really hurts me to realize how selfish and stupid I've been. But I don't want to be that way anymore. Now I understand how it feels, and it's really unbearable to be the one getting hurt.

It seems like Brian would understand - he's been there. He knows every single little thing that would have made him feel better. That's a lot of power. But still he can't do any of them. He's put up a giant wall between us that I can't break down. And that hurts even more. Just because I may have said i wanted to be friends, or i was looking for something more, i'm not sure that I actually ever meant it. And the hurtful part is that he means it. He really is okay with just being friends with me - that's enough for him. And that's the part I can't stop crying about.

I'm not asking for the world - I just want to stop time for a couple of days and see what could be. Maybe it's better than your wildest dreams.

So, i don't know how private this is anymore. But i'm going to pretend like it is today - maybe longer. I don't know.

Even though Brian doesn't say it, I feel like he's asking me to stop. just stop. And then talk about my day. what do i have to say if i spent the whole day thinking about how I wanted to be talking to him? I really just don't think i have anything to talk about except for this right now. And i don't want to be that person. I'm disgusted by that person. I'm disgusted by myself.

It does comfort me to know that he's been sad about it too. But then I wonder why, what was he missing out on? Is there something he can get from me that he can't get elsewhere? I'm surprised he wasn't just too busy to notice that we didn't talk all weekend.

I think accepting his friendship right now is even harder b/c i've realized all the friends I have, I don't really need another friend. I need someone to be my brian wallisch. weird phrase. something i wrote in my journal about him years ago.
Why the hell am i so dumb.

Just tell him what he needs to know to make me stop. Tell him that he needs to completely break me and make me hate him. That's the only way. I'm sure i would stop hating him eventually. Something to make me stop sitting here waiting for the shinyness to wear off, waiting for them to discover each other faults and decide if they can deal with them. Hoping they can't. Praying they can't. Praying this is all an elaborate hoax.

I want to dignify your status messages with a response, but I can't let this cycle keep revolving. I want to be able to show you how I'm feeling, but I can't. It makes you unhappy. It's completely unfair of me to make you unhappy. That's what I can't share any of myself with you. I wish I could tell you how badly i'm feeling right now.

I wish i wasn't comfortable with you. I wish i had never been this open. I really should have just kept my mouth shut. I should have let you think i didn't care. It was so much easier when you thought I didn't care. But if i could go back i would do more than let you think i didn't care, I would actually not care. Not at all. Not even a little.

I wish I didn't feel so bad about myself. I wish i thought someone, anyone was capable of liking me. I wish I thought I was special again. Right now, I don't think I'll ever feel that way ever again. And it makes me want to die.

I miss my best friend and I can't even tell him that. Why would i want to live?

I’m pathetic. I can’t stand being around myself right now. Seriously, I’ve NEVER been this kind of person. I’ve NEVER let myself be this kind of person. This is what happens when you let yourself get too comfortable – then you tell them everything. And you can never go back from that. Everything is ruined.

Something is seriously wrong with me if I can let my head get this involved with someone who obviously doesn’t even like me. Okay, so maybe that’s an exaggeration, but it doesn’t matter, not liking me enough is the same as not liking me at all.
I can’t deal with this right now. I have too much work to do.

I'm never doing this again.

goodnight

why does everyone think i:m crazy and don:t know what i:m talking about. i"m sure
i've never been more sure about anything in my entire life.
it's not like i jumped into this.
it's the opposite actually.

i'm trying to spend my time reading and studying, but all of this keeps bringing me back around to the same solution. That i'm right. That i can't imagine anyone better for me than him - the problem is that i'm sure there is someone better for him than me. Someone better, someone more appreciative, someone nicer. Nice - that is what he said about her. Perfect.

I guess it doesn't matter. I can find other ways to be happy - I'm going to fully concentrate on finding a new job and getting as far away from here as possible. I think being surrounded by my friends in stl would help me at least forget momentarily about how shitty i feel. I have a lot of friends there, who actually like me for me, and aren't looking to replace me the first time they get a chance. i think i could at least pretend to be happy there.

tomorrow i'm going to sit down and make a game plan. look for jobs to apply for, start planning on when the application to take the missouri bar is due, figure out how much it costs and budget for it, and also talk to stacey again. she knows i'm considering this, but i need to let her know how serious i actually am. i would like to stay here long enough to go to hawaii - i owe that to bryan at least, he already has put money into it. and i do think it will be fun - that is if i can just let go of all of my bad feelings and have a good time.

i keep thinking about how i almost bought a ticket to go to denver this weekend. i would be getting home right now. i can't help but think that maybe that would have changed things, fixed things, i don't know. I shouldn't have backed down from it just because i was afraid - there's nothing to be afraid of. things couldn't possibly have been worse than they are right now.

i have a box i need to send to brian - i'm a little freaked out about sending it now, but i don't want to keep it, it just reminds me of how bad of a person i am and how i should have made more of an effort to make sure i got it to him on time. it's going to be awkward, he's going to think the random stuff in there is stupid, and i'm not there to explain any of it. i wrote the card a long time ago - i can't even quite remember what I said - hopefully it's nothing that makes me look too dumb now. i guess it doesn't matter -i'll never know how stupid he thinks it is anyway.

I need to make myself go to sleep. i have to focus on work tomorrow - even though i'm planning on quitting soon, i need to put my best into it now. I am determined to try to focus on work. i am also determined never to cry at work again. i'm bigger than that - i have control over my emotions. i just don't know what's been wrong with me lately. At least it has one good consequence - i lost 7 lbs this week. Let's hope for another week like that and things will be great.

Until tomorrow.

the hardest part of the day is not reading twitter.
i keep trying to tell myself that it's better not to, that i don't need to know, that what I don't know can't hurt me.

but what i make up in my head can. And what I make up is far worse sometimes. Or maybe i'm just trying to rationalize so that I feel okay about doing it.

I promised Brian I would stop. So i've been fighting really hard to stop. But should that promise even matter now?

My parents need to leave me alone.
I'm fine.
Everything is fine.
Or it will be soon enough.
I'm tired of people's caring just being annoying.
I do not need to move home.

I want to die. right now.
it feels a little bit worse everyday. Everyday that you can get through without saving me. Everyday I don't feel like anyone cares, or listens.

Everyday i feel like i'm losing a little bit more of myself.

I wish you knew how much this hurts me.

I just want to be in my fairy tale world. In my world where we're like kesha and drunk off nothing but each other til the sunrise. Even if it's just for one day. But i'm a silly girl obsessed with silly love songs.

I'm trying to learn how to be less selfish. I really do want you to be happy. Happier than I can even imagine possible. I really hope you're getting there. I'm trying as hard as I can to convince myself you can get there without me.

Everyone is different. Everyone is unique. There are things about me that can't be found anywhere else. There are things about you that I can't find anywhere else - and that terrifies me. I don't even want to look. It's not worth it to feel this way.

It's just not worth it.

today has been a struggle. i feel so alone. and i've been doing the only things i know to help - spending time with people and praying.
Stacey loves me. She just doesn't know how to make me feel better. It's not her fault.
God loves me - I'm pretty sure. But it doesn't feel like he is listening. I just feel alone. It seems like if he was listening and cared, he would provide some comfort.

I don't have any motivation to do anything, I know I should, but it doesn't feel like my life is worth anything right now. I don't know where I'm going. Before, even when I was sad, I had a direction. I had future plans and goals. And even though I never said it, I always pictured Brian in those plans.

Life needs to be easier, or over. The end.

Quitting on Me

I don't even know where to start. Emotions ran the full spectrum tonight.
I don't know how Brian feels about me, but i do know that he doesn't trust me not to hurt him.
I probably wouldn't trust me either.
But i'm reading, and studying, and learning, and I'm not sure I can figure out how you earn someone's trust - you just have to be trustworthy. I never promised him I wouldn't hurt him in the past, so i didn't cause there to be mistrust. No one can really promise you they won't hurt you - they can just try their best.

The real problem here is... I woke up one morning and decided he's the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. He's the person I want to have 6 children with (well not really 6, 4....I can adopt the other 2). I can't think of a better role model for kids, or someone I would rather spend all my days with.

That's not my style. And i can't even really say it out loud. It's ridiculous. I've always known I wanted this someday, but I didn't think this someday would come so soon.

Brian is right, Michelle and I are opposites. She wants to get married and have babies. I don't. I want to marry Brian and have Brian's babies. Very opposite.
And i would do it tomorrow - even if it required quitting my job and giving up everything. If that's what Brian really wanted; I think I could do it and make it work.

Two months - that's about how long I've been dealing with this already. That's not going to be long enough to fix it. All i can do is keep praying for things to feel better and for everyone to make the right decisions. Right now, it still feels like the right decision for me is Brian. In the movies when you lay it all out, they always choose you. When I say choose me, love me, be with me.... it has no effect. I guess life isn't like the movies, no matter how much I wish it was.