I'm looking for someone that's not me, someone that thinks of things that I would never think of, that thinks a different way home from the store is shorter, someone I can learn from, explore, and keep exploring for the rest of my life. Someone that I never quite completely figure out.
i think i'm an open book, but it's not really true, there are lots of parts that I keep back for the special people, and a few parts that i almost completely keep back, but that i'm dying to share with someone who's earned it
I feel guilty for judging people for being too simple. I like complicated. I like tortured. I like the high end of the intelligence scale. It seems like maybe these things are related, that the simpler people are happy. Because they're blissfully unaware of all of the things to be unhappy about.
Not that I'm unhappy. I'm only unhappy when I think too much. I think too much a lot. I'm happy when i'm distracted and having fun, or distracted and working really hard, or distracted and running, really just distracted is what it takes. It's easy to be unhappy when you let yourself focus on all the problems in the world.
It's also easy to be distracted and ignore them. I don't want to be distracted, it's unfair to all those who are suffering to just pretend like everything is great. On the other hand, I don't want to be unhappy.
I need more time to help more people. I guess that'll be easier soon when I'm not tied down to a job everyday. It's not like I actually need all that bar studying time anyway.
It rained today. The summer's officially over. Maybe some other things are officially over too.
Friday, September 30, 2011
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
I had a dream that I received an anonymous orchid delivery.
If that happened to me in real life. It would be the best day ever.
----
So a few weeks back I was watching “Chasing October” with Stacey, which by the way is a very excellent movie that I thoroughly enjoyed even though it’s about the Cubs.
I like ideas, so I was brainstorming with Stacey a documentary that we should make (i.e. talk about for fun but never actually really work on). It’s a lot like Chasing October, but more centered on the lives of the characters. The main characters all have season tickets and sit in the same section at the stadium. Throughout the season/movie you learn about their lives and they interact with one another. All of the characters are die hard fans – why would they have season tickets if they weren’t. At some point you start to notice that when the team is doing well and things are looking up, their lives also seem to be going well. All sorts of positive life events will be tied with the fate of the team.
Anyway, I invested too much thought into this and was journaling about it, etc. And at some point I made this movie in my head about us – tied to the fate of the Cardinals. I’ve had a lot of hope lately, because I keep watching and praying and they keep doing well. And now we’re down to the final game of the season. They could lose tonight. They could win the wild card tonight. They could force a tiebreaker game with the Braves tonight. The fate of the post-season quite possibility rests on the performance of 9-15 ish players and how bad they want this. And someone in my head, the fate of our future, our ability to work this out, to fix things also rests on this same event. Yet, we can’t control it. We aren’t those players. It doesn’t matter how bad I want this, it doesn’t change anything. If wanting it bad enough could make a baseball team win, the Cubs would have won a World Series at some point. Their fans want it bad – the probably want it the most out of any teams fans. On a tangent, I think Hitler hates the Cubs is a hilarious youtube video.
Now I’m worried. Everything comes down to tonight.
I might have to change the end of my movie. Maybe all season the ups and downs of the characters are connected with the team. And then at the end, the team wins the pennant in a fantastic game, at the same time that the characters lives are falling apart.
If that happened to me in real life. It would be the best day ever.
----
So a few weeks back I was watching “Chasing October” with Stacey, which by the way is a very excellent movie that I thoroughly enjoyed even though it’s about the Cubs.
I like ideas, so I was brainstorming with Stacey a documentary that we should make (i.e. talk about for fun but never actually really work on). It’s a lot like Chasing October, but more centered on the lives of the characters. The main characters all have season tickets and sit in the same section at the stadium. Throughout the season/movie you learn about their lives and they interact with one another. All of the characters are die hard fans – why would they have season tickets if they weren’t. At some point you start to notice that when the team is doing well and things are looking up, their lives also seem to be going well. All sorts of positive life events will be tied with the fate of the team.
Anyway, I invested too much thought into this and was journaling about it, etc. And at some point I made this movie in my head about us – tied to the fate of the Cardinals. I’ve had a lot of hope lately, because I keep watching and praying and they keep doing well. And now we’re down to the final game of the season. They could lose tonight. They could win the wild card tonight. They could force a tiebreaker game with the Braves tonight. The fate of the post-season quite possibility rests on the performance of 9-15 ish players and how bad they want this. And someone in my head, the fate of our future, our ability to work this out, to fix things also rests on this same event. Yet, we can’t control it. We aren’t those players. It doesn’t matter how bad I want this, it doesn’t change anything. If wanting it bad enough could make a baseball team win, the Cubs would have won a World Series at some point. Their fans want it bad – the probably want it the most out of any teams fans. On a tangent, I think Hitler hates the Cubs is a hilarious youtube video.
Now I’m worried. Everything comes down to tonight.
I might have to change the end of my movie. Maybe all season the ups and downs of the characters are connected with the team. And then at the end, the team wins the pennant in a fantastic game, at the same time that the characters lives are falling apart.
Tuesday, September 27, 2011
Let Me In
You spent all this time
building the great wall of china
around yourself
with a two way mirror
so that you can be in me
body, heart, and soul
constantly drilling in
harder and deeper
while maintaining your defenses
until I’m shattered
I want inside the enemy lines
and to keep everyone else out
to be privy to your most
inner thoughts and deeds
to protect myself
for only you to hear me scream
complete
all me; all you
in one fleeting moment
for eternity
Let me in
Hear my screams
Feel my cuts
mark me with you
You spent all this time
building the great wall of china
around yourself
with a two way mirror
so that you can be in me
body, heart, and soul
constantly drilling in
harder and deeper
while maintaining your defenses
until I’m shattered
I want inside the enemy lines
and to keep everyone else out
to be privy to your most
inner thoughts and deeds
to protect myself
for only you to hear me scream
complete
all me; all you
in one fleeting moment
for eternity
Let me in
Hear my screams
Feel my cuts
mark me with you
Saturday, September 24, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Still freaking out about the upcoming hearings in CO, but at least Anchorage took my mind off of it a bit. It was really nice there - I'd really like to go back and do some hiking. I met a lot of people who were hiking/camping and it sounds amazing. Until you get eaten by a bear anyway.
I really enjoy escaping my life, even if it's only for a brief period of time. I read all of The Girl Who Plays With Fire on the plane, and caught up on my TV watching. And I ate at a really fancy restaurant by myself - they brew their own beer and make their own root beer/cream soda - so I had both. My waiter thought it was cute that I ordered a beer and a cream soda. You gotta splurge once in a while.
It sucks how much I miss Brian.
It makes me tired.
I really enjoy escaping my life, even if it's only for a brief period of time. I read all of The Girl Who Plays With Fire on the plane, and caught up on my TV watching. And I ate at a really fancy restaurant by myself - they brew their own beer and make their own root beer/cream soda - so I had both. My waiter thought it was cute that I ordered a beer and a cream soda. You gotta splurge once in a while.
It sucks how much I miss Brian.
It makes me tired.
Monday, September 19, 2011
travel.........
We finally booked a block of hearings in Colorado. And it's on a Thursday. At first I was excited. I've been waiting for this for months. But now that i started thinking about it, I'm freaking out.
I'm a fan of big gestures.
Maybe the biggest gesture is doing nothing. It certainly is one of the hardest. Going, staying the weekend, whatever, in silence. Of course this only really is a big gesture if he knows about it. I'm not sure how that's supposed to happen.
There's also alternatives.
Small things - like an i'm going to be in town this weekend text, or email
Big things - like showing up on the doorstep, or at church, or anywhere
All of them have their pros and cons. I'm just trying to figure out what has more pros than cons. Maybe they're all equally con.
I refuse to believe that. I'm working on a short story for a contest right now. It's going really well. It's fiction based on fact. This event would fit well in my story - regardless of the option I pick. Stuck between a rock and a rock - how fitting.
I'm a fan of big gestures.
Maybe the biggest gesture is doing nothing. It certainly is one of the hardest. Going, staying the weekend, whatever, in silence. Of course this only really is a big gesture if he knows about it. I'm not sure how that's supposed to happen.
There's also alternatives.
Small things - like an i'm going to be in town this weekend text, or email
Big things - like showing up on the doorstep, or at church, or anywhere
All of them have their pros and cons. I'm just trying to figure out what has more pros than cons. Maybe they're all equally con.
I refuse to believe that. I'm working on a short story for a contest right now. It's going really well. It's fiction based on fact. This event would fit well in my story - regardless of the option I pick. Stuck between a rock and a rock - how fitting.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
thinking day
Are you all there? How is it that you can feel complete, with no parts missing?
I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be able to really forgive myself for letting you feel this way in the past. For just standing there and watching and telling myself it was okay. I wish I would have known – I could have known, it was willful ignorance at best. I should have known. I should have fixed it. I wish you could have told me in a way that made me understand. I don’t know if that is possible. I didn’t really know this feeling existed. I wish I still didn’t.
I have to forgive myself before I can think about forgiving you.
I’m a circle incomplete
I’m a heart that barely beats
All the memories stay forever like tattoos
I’m a star with a sky
I’m hello with no goodbye
All the dreams we had that never will come true
That’s me with no you
I’m not sure if I’m ever going to be able to really forgive myself for letting you feel this way in the past. For just standing there and watching and telling myself it was okay. I wish I would have known – I could have known, it was willful ignorance at best. I should have known. I should have fixed it. I wish you could have told me in a way that made me understand. I don’t know if that is possible. I didn’t really know this feeling existed. I wish I still didn’t.
I have to forgive myself before I can think about forgiving you.
I’m a circle incomplete
I’m a heart that barely beats
All the memories stay forever like tattoos
I’m a star with a sky
I’m hello with no goodbye
All the dreams we had that never will come true
That’s me with no you
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
Thursday, September 15, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Okay, so i typed up this entire handout that i have. I'm supposed to evaluate failed relationships and determine which facets were lacking. I'm confused about how to do this - because it could easily be all of them at one time or another. On my part and on his part.
Friend/Significant Other Exercise
The person that you end up marrying someday should be a best friend to you. That does not mean that they take the place of your best friend, but instead that if you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with them, they should have all of the qualities of a best friend and more. A best friend is something of which you can never have too many.
Below are some key qualities of a friend/significant other. Too often our relationships fail because we are lacking in one or more of these key qualities. Many times we will try to ignore that quality or claim that it is not required instead of facing the reality of failed relationship.
1. Honesty – A friend is someone who doesn’t lie to you – even when it’s tough. They should feel comfortable enough with you, and you with them, to share feelings, unhappiness, thoughts, ideas, etc. and have security that it will not cause a rift in the friendship. This level of honestly and security is not something that comes automatically, but must be gained with your friend.
2. Loyalty – A friend remains by your side in times of stress and strife, whatever the circumstances. Just because things are difficult, this person will not stray from your side.
3. Sacrifice – Making sacrifices of each other is what compromising and being flexible is all about. Don’t always allow your friend to be the one to make sacrifices; it can be quite fulfilling and spiritual to make sacrifices yourself. Still both partners must be willing to sacrifice for the other.
4. Kindness – A friend is kind and shares. Observe how your friend treats others; this is often the best indicator of how they will treat you in the future. It is especially helpful to observe how someone treats strangers, enemies, and the homeless.
5. Helpfulness – A best friend won’t sit with a smirk or smug expression while you struggle alone. They’ll leave their comfort zone and help you out – both in deed and in support.
6. Share Interests – It isn’t required that you and your best friend do everything together, but there must be at least some activities you enjoy together or thing you have in common.
7. Respect – A friend should treat you and speak to you with respect. They should respect your views and opinions, your space, and who you are. This does not mean that they have to agree with you; but they must not put you down.
8. Trust – A best friend will trust you and earn your trust. You have to be able to trust that your friend has your best interests at heart all the time, and won’t step on you to achieve their own ends.
Friend/Significant Other Exercise
The person that you end up marrying someday should be a best friend to you. That does not mean that they take the place of your best friend, but instead that if you decide you want to spend the rest of your life with them, they should have all of the qualities of a best friend and more. A best friend is something of which you can never have too many.
Below are some key qualities of a friend/significant other. Too often our relationships fail because we are lacking in one or more of these key qualities. Many times we will try to ignore that quality or claim that it is not required instead of facing the reality of failed relationship.
1. Honesty – A friend is someone who doesn’t lie to you – even when it’s tough. They should feel comfortable enough with you, and you with them, to share feelings, unhappiness, thoughts, ideas, etc. and have security that it will not cause a rift in the friendship. This level of honestly and security is not something that comes automatically, but must be gained with your friend.
2. Loyalty – A friend remains by your side in times of stress and strife, whatever the circumstances. Just because things are difficult, this person will not stray from your side.
3. Sacrifice – Making sacrifices of each other is what compromising and being flexible is all about. Don’t always allow your friend to be the one to make sacrifices; it can be quite fulfilling and spiritual to make sacrifices yourself. Still both partners must be willing to sacrifice for the other.
4. Kindness – A friend is kind and shares. Observe how your friend treats others; this is often the best indicator of how they will treat you in the future. It is especially helpful to observe how someone treats strangers, enemies, and the homeless.
5. Helpfulness – A best friend won’t sit with a smirk or smug expression while you struggle alone. They’ll leave their comfort zone and help you out – both in deed and in support.
6. Share Interests – It isn’t required that you and your best friend do everything together, but there must be at least some activities you enjoy together or thing you have in common.
7. Respect – A friend should treat you and speak to you with respect. They should respect your views and opinions, your space, and who you are. This does not mean that they have to agree with you; but they must not put you down.
8. Trust – A best friend will trust you and earn your trust. You have to be able to trust that your friend has your best interests at heart all the time, and won’t step on you to achieve their own ends.
Monday, September 12, 2011
had a really good session today
it's nice to be reminded how great i am
and to be told that i'm rational
if this dude wasn't 79
i'd be smitten
i just layed it out
i want him to be sure
i want to know that when he's in bed at night
and everything is quiet
that he pictures himself growing old with her
and if that's true, then
it's true
and it's the way things are supposed to be
except
that he never said he was sure of that
and i've never truly believed that
some say
i wouldn't believe it
even if he did say
but i do believe that when i hear the truth
i can believe it
and accept it
and just be happy for him
like i've always wanted to
it's dumb that i've always wanted him to be
out of this world happy
yet i made him so unhappy
i may be rational today
but i'm still dumb
it's nice to be reminded how great i am
and to be told that i'm rational
if this dude wasn't 79
i'd be smitten
i just layed it out
i want him to be sure
i want to know that when he's in bed at night
and everything is quiet
that he pictures himself growing old with her
and if that's true, then
it's true
and it's the way things are supposed to be
except
that he never said he was sure of that
and i've never truly believed that
some say
i wouldn't believe it
even if he did say
but i do believe that when i hear the truth
i can believe it
and accept it
and just be happy for him
like i've always wanted to
it's dumb that i've always wanted him to be
out of this world happy
yet i made him so unhappy
i may be rational today
but i'm still dumb
Sunday, September 11, 2011
i wish today had been a better day
i've been pretty over emotional the entire day
i woke up and immediately remembered all the details of my dreams
this isn't something i can really help
i try to keep myself thinking about positive, good, nice things during the day
but at night i lose control
there's no need to rehash all the personal details, but one of my dreams was brian and i showering together. It wasn't really like any of the times we've done this in the past, at least not completely. Not that it was ever a bad thing, but my fantasy version is amazing. We were in my old apartment, and it started exactly like the last time he visited. I was my usual stupid self, insisting on getting in the shower fully dressed. The rest was completely different. I actually acted the way i've always wanted to act, and just let go of all of my inhibitions. I feel bad that i was always been rather inhibited with brian. it just never sank in. One of my biggest regrets.
Anyway, I was happy in my dream. Waking up, not so much. This isn't the kind of thing I need to be thinking about. I don't need to be thinking about these things ever, but I definitely don't need to be thinking about them in a fantasy version.
I proceeded to continue to be on edge most of the day. At one point I had a minor freak out. I just laid in my bed for a few minutes shaking - trying to figure out if i was upset or angry. I'm glad I have my stacey here to help me be rational and to get through things.
It was just a hard day.
i've been pretty over emotional the entire day
i woke up and immediately remembered all the details of my dreams
this isn't something i can really help
i try to keep myself thinking about positive, good, nice things during the day
but at night i lose control
there's no need to rehash all the personal details, but one of my dreams was brian and i showering together. It wasn't really like any of the times we've done this in the past, at least not completely. Not that it was ever a bad thing, but my fantasy version is amazing. We were in my old apartment, and it started exactly like the last time he visited. I was my usual stupid self, insisting on getting in the shower fully dressed. The rest was completely different. I actually acted the way i've always wanted to act, and just let go of all of my inhibitions. I feel bad that i was always been rather inhibited with brian. it just never sank in. One of my biggest regrets.
Anyway, I was happy in my dream. Waking up, not so much. This isn't the kind of thing I need to be thinking about. I don't need to be thinking about these things ever, but I definitely don't need to be thinking about them in a fantasy version.
I proceeded to continue to be on edge most of the day. At one point I had a minor freak out. I just laid in my bed for a few minutes shaking - trying to figure out if i was upset or angry. I'm glad I have my stacey here to help me be rational and to get through things.
It was just a hard day.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
I miss my daddy.
i can't wait to see my family soon.
which is so weird, b/c i never get along with them that well.
i think i'm just kinda lonely
i have lots of friends
they just all have other things to do
like spouses
so i talk to daniel more
and wendy more
and my mom more
at least i know they're always there
which is comforting
even my moms annoying text messages are good sometimes
it's better than not getting text messages
it's just weird how much my life has changed
i can leave my phone at home all day
and not miss it, or miss anything
maybe i'm feeling a little bit better
but really i think i'm just feeling less
more numb
not really caring
just getting up and going to work
and doing it over and over again
well i guess that's untrue
i was happy most of the day yesterday
but it disappeared as soon as i had the free time
to remember
how much i miss my best friend
this is depressing me
maybe i'll write later
if i feel like iti keep trying to write more
like i was told to, b/c it's supposed to help
i just don't feel like it most of the time
i can't wait to see my family soon.
which is so weird, b/c i never get along with them that well.
i think i'm just kinda lonely
i have lots of friends
they just all have other things to do
like spouses
so i talk to daniel more
and wendy more
and my mom more
at least i know they're always there
which is comforting
even my moms annoying text messages are good sometimes
it's better than not getting text messages
it's just weird how much my life has changed
i can leave my phone at home all day
and not miss it, or miss anything
maybe i'm feeling a little bit better
but really i think i'm just feeling less
more numb
not really caring
just getting up and going to work
and doing it over and over again
well i guess that's untrue
i was happy most of the day yesterday
but it disappeared as soon as i had the free time
to remember
how much i miss my best friend
this is depressing me
maybe i'll write later
if i feel like iti keep trying to write more
like i was told to, b/c it's supposed to help
i just don't feel like it most of the time
Monday, September 5, 2011
Spent the entire day getting ready for my appointment tomorrow. First, I reevaluated my goals for this week with regard to being the person I want to be, second, I took my homework seriously and have been working on my 1/3/5 goals all week. I've been putting off the stuff I have to do from last week still, finishing my apologies, and making them public. Being open with these things is the hardest, this is my first step, at least some random guy in Germany may click on this and know my thoughts. I will work on my accountability for next week.
For this week:
1. Answer my phone as much as possible when it rings. Return all calls immediately upon receipt of voicemail. This shows love for others by being considerate of their time, being obedient to my bosses, and giving my best effort at my job.
2. Volunteer to assist coworkers when they are overwhelmed even if I have a lot of tasks to do on my own. Be encouraging and sympathetic even if I am personally frustrated with my work. But be careful about overcommiting. Do not make any promises to do things that I cannot actually keep. Honestly evaluate how many extra tasks I can take on.
3. Be myself. Independent of pressure or worrying about how others may perceive of me. This one is the hardest. I have to keep reviewing my self-description and praying for help accepting myself for who I am.
----
One Year Goals (Family, Career, Personal)
- Engaged
- Taken (and passed) the Missouri bar exam
- Living in STL
- Working a full time job as an attorney, where I feel like I am helping people/positively contributing to society
- volunteering with children, low income, causes I support
- part of a bible study group that meets weekly
- run a half-marathon
- Reach a healthy and final 150 lbs.
Three Year Goals
- Volunteering on a weekly and continuous basis in a teaching area with teenage kids.
- Married
- Have a kid or one on the way
- Buying a house
- have taken a 10 day minimum European vacation
- have received a job promotion or increase in responsibility
- have run a marathon
- participate in a local (stateside) short-term mission opportunity
Five Year Goals
- 3-4 children, consider adoption
- take time out for family vacation every year
- another promotion/increase in responsibility
- participate in a short term international mission opportunity
For this week:
1. Answer my phone as much as possible when it rings. Return all calls immediately upon receipt of voicemail. This shows love for others by being considerate of their time, being obedient to my bosses, and giving my best effort at my job.
2. Volunteer to assist coworkers when they are overwhelmed even if I have a lot of tasks to do on my own. Be encouraging and sympathetic even if I am personally frustrated with my work. But be careful about overcommiting. Do not make any promises to do things that I cannot actually keep. Honestly evaluate how many extra tasks I can take on.
3. Be myself. Independent of pressure or worrying about how others may perceive of me. This one is the hardest. I have to keep reviewing my self-description and praying for help accepting myself for who I am.
----
One Year Goals (Family, Career, Personal)
- Engaged
- Taken (and passed) the Missouri bar exam
- Living in STL
- Working a full time job as an attorney, where I feel like I am helping people/positively contributing to society
- volunteering with children, low income, causes I support
- part of a bible study group that meets weekly
- run a half-marathon
- Reach a healthy and final 150 lbs.
Three Year Goals
- Volunteering on a weekly and continuous basis in a teaching area with teenage kids.
- Married
- Have a kid or one on the way
- Buying a house
- have taken a 10 day minimum European vacation
- have received a job promotion or increase in responsibility
- have run a marathon
- participate in a local (stateside) short-term mission opportunity
Five Year Goals
- 3-4 children, consider adoption
- take time out for family vacation every year
- another promotion/increase in responsibility
- participate in a short term international mission opportunity
I've gotten so good at this one, the words come out similar every time. Doesn't make me mean it any less:
Heavenly Father, thank you for loving me, all of us, and wanting each to experience a full life, a life with you, and each other. Please comfort me in my despair and loneliness. You, who have all wisdom and understanding, You watch me as a fail to live up to your ideals, and you forgive me. Please continue to forgive me. Help me to be willing to accept my own responsibility in this broken relationship, help me seek and want forgiveness and to extend forgiveness to those who hurt me. Help me to never retaliate when I feel wronged. Help me to make the right choices, choices that exude love for others. Help me to realize and accept that forgiveness and renewal of relationships takes time, but renewal does come. I pray that it comes quickly. Please help us to work through our differences and be reunited. When the time is right, please put your words of love into my mouth, and help me to speak them. Please inspire the one I love to see and hear the truth in my heart. Open my eyes so that I may understand what is required of me to restore the intimacy we once shared, only more complete, with you at the center. Help me to demonstrate patience, kindness and love in all my actions. And if this is not your will, please help me to see the path that is. I ask this in the Lord's Name. Amen.
Heavenly Father, thank you for loving me, all of us, and wanting each to experience a full life, a life with you, and each other. Please comfort me in my despair and loneliness. You, who have all wisdom and understanding, You watch me as a fail to live up to your ideals, and you forgive me. Please continue to forgive me. Help me to be willing to accept my own responsibility in this broken relationship, help me seek and want forgiveness and to extend forgiveness to those who hurt me. Help me to never retaliate when I feel wronged. Help me to make the right choices, choices that exude love for others. Help me to realize and accept that forgiveness and renewal of relationships takes time, but renewal does come. I pray that it comes quickly. Please help us to work through our differences and be reunited. When the time is right, please put your words of love into my mouth, and help me to speak them. Please inspire the one I love to see and hear the truth in my heart. Open my eyes so that I may understand what is required of me to restore the intimacy we once shared, only more complete, with you at the center. Help me to demonstrate patience, kindness and love in all my actions. And if this is not your will, please help me to see the path that is. I ask this in the Lord's Name. Amen.
I can't help but hope that considering how much I think about you
that some of the time you're thinking about me too
it just feels right
like about 10am this morning
or maybe I'm just imagining it
why does everyone have to bail when things get difficult
there isn't a problem that can't be solved if you want it bad enough
i hate my bible study group
every week it just makes me think about you more and more
about all the things that could have been different
should have been different
if i had just let them
or you hadn't given up
regardless
i really miss you
and it's not getting better
i think i gave away my heart
and didn't get it back
that some of the time you're thinking about me too
it just feels right
like about 10am this morning
or maybe I'm just imagining it
why does everyone have to bail when things get difficult
there isn't a problem that can't be solved if you want it bad enough
i hate my bible study group
every week it just makes me think about you more and more
about all the things that could have been different
should have been different
if i had just let them
or you hadn't given up
regardless
i really miss you
and it's not getting better
i think i gave away my heart
and didn't get it back
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