"What we have to remember is that we can still do anything. We can change our minds. We can start over. Get a post-bac or try writing for the first time. The notion that it's too late to do anything is comical. It's hilarious....We can't, we MUST not lose this sense of possibility because in the end, it's all we have."


Sometimes at night I just need to remember that it's not too late.  Things can still change.  Tomorrow can still be different.  Please help me make the right choices.  Please help me stop wishing that everyone else would make the right choices too.... 

I left my book at home, so i've just been doing a lot of thinking and no studying per say.  Can't wait til i'm back to my book.  I did something stupid on Thursday night.  It's because I was drunk.  And being egged on.  I shouldn't have done it...but...I did do a really good job of only being nice, and honest, and defending people who weren't available to defend themselves. I need to keep trying harder though.

------------------

I've been doing a lot of thinking about what love is and what it's not.

it's probably sleeping on the couch b/c i'm uncomfortable

it's probably getting me fantastic presents on time

it's probably trying not to do anything that could accidentally lead me on

it's probably not talking about important things b/c i don't want to

----

it's probably just wanting to stay in a room forever together

it's probably relying on you and trusting you 

it's probably making each other a better person

it's probably being unbelievably happy and wanting to scream it to the world

or being unbelievably sad and having trouble not screaming it to the world

it's probably not giving up hope even when things seem hopeless

things are never hopeless

things aren't over until their actually over

you can't just pretend they are

i don't believe in over when there are still feelings

I'm just so happy to be this city.

And I'm so thankful to be moving here.

It's perfect.

And it feels so right.

It's exactly where I need to be.

And i just love it.

the end.  

It's so much easier to see others' potential than your own.
I look at you and know how much you could do, what you could be, how many people you could affect.
It's hard not to be jealous.
It's hard not be angry at you for wasting it.
Taking the first step is the most difficult.  Letting go of your security blanket.  Standing on a limb - even if you end up standing there alone.
Being alone isn't the scariest thing I can think of.  The scariest thing I can think of is falling short of the life God planned for you because you were too scared to take a risk............

Yes, this is what I think I have done.  I sometimes think I've ruined my life because I was too afraid to take a risk.  Sure, I can take the kind of risk where I move out to California with no plan, but taking an emotional risk has been pretty much out of the question.

This blog is, and always has been, an emotional risk for me.  Even if no one sees it.  The chance that someone can see inside of me - know all of my weaknesses, insecurities, thoughts, prayers.  It's terrifying.

But it's what I feel like I've been asked to do.  Completely open myself up.  And take whatever consequences come my way.   Be honest, at any cost.

to be honest, the cost sucks.  opening myself up has cost me one of the best friends I ever had.  Not that I was a good friend, but someone who was a good friend to me.  Someone I'd like to emulate.  opening myself up has made me feel more insecure and rejected than I ever thought possible.  it's hard for me to understand god's plan in this.

It's devastating to think that this is what it takes for me to learn a lesson.  I know I have tons of other lessons to learn, I don't look forward to them if they're this hard.

Everyone has things they have to bear.  Maybe mine is really the knowledge of how badly I screwed up and knowing that I'll never have the opportunity to fix it.

Our greatest fear as individuals and as a church should not be of failure but of succeeding at things in life that don't really matter. 

This has never been more true that today.  It's hard to live in this world and keep your focus on the things that really matter. It's really hard.  But i'm trying.

Relationships matter.  Today I'm just trying to fix the ones that are broken.  Trying to be a better friend than I've been in the past.  Trying to be a better friend than I've been in the best.  Trying.

And I need help.  Lord, please help me.

Are you willing to say to God that He can have whatever he wants?  Do you believe wholehearted commitment to Him is more important than any other thing or person in your life? Do you know that nothing you do in this life will ever matter, unless it is about loving God and loving the people He has made?  


Right choices are not easy.  Figuring out which choice is right is not easy.  Francis suggests that one of the bests things you can do is surround yourself with people who will challenge you to do better every moment.  Think about the choices you are currently making in your life - are you embarrassed to tell your role models?  You should be even more embarrassed that God knows.  It's never too late to correct wrong choices.  This is what I'm trying to work on everyday lately - doing my best to correct wrong decisions.  It's still frustrating that I can't correct other people's bad choices, or encourage them to do the same.  Really the only thing I can do is pray for them.  Keep praying and continue to take a good hard look at everything I do and ensure that I wouldn't be embarrassed about it.


True faith means holding nothing back; it bets everything on the hope of eternity.  


This is the line I have to hold on to.  The place where I need to put in more effort.  Not being afraid.

Jesus' call to commitment is clear: He wants all or nothing.  


Halfway means nothing.  Halfway is not enough.  I don't want to be halfway.

I miss Farmville today.
I miss having something stupid to waste my time on.
I miss how much I actually cared about it.
I always had a goal to master everything possible in that game.
I spent hours figuring out the perfect name for the two dogs I adopted.  Poor Wainright.
I miss talking about Farmville for an hour with Brian.

I'm trying so hard to replace this kind of thinking.  But some days it's really hard.
I need to remember that I can't do this on my own and that I need to ask for help.
Constantly.
Not just a prescribed time of day.

Today I did something for me.  Not to make myself look better.  Not for Brian.  Not for anyone.  Just for me.
And i feel really good about it.  It might sounds stupid to say that apologizing was just for me, but it was.  Which is probably selfish.  It should also be for her - it should be to make her feel better.  But really it's something that I've been needing to do for a really long time.  It's something that I needed on the inside.  It's something that I needed to do before I can let this go.

The hardest part for me is being vulnerable to her right now.  It's hard to not be worried about getting made fun of, or my apology being ignored, or just not being forgiven.  I just have to keep reminding myself that it doesn't matter.  I've done all I can do.  I just have to leave it up to God.  And be the biggest person I can be.  I was sincere, I feel bad and I don't want her to be worried.  That really is all I can do.

did i ever mention how much i love 'how i met your mother'?  I think I love it more everything I watch it.  I have a favorite episode right now, it's this one:

http://movies.netflix.com/WiPlayer?movieid=70218550&trkid=3325854&t=How+I+Met+Your+Mother%3A+Ssn+4%3A+Happily...

Season 4, Episode 6 - Happily Ever After.
It sets a good goal for me.  The only problem is that you have to have a reason to let something go.  I'm looking for that reason.  I still haven't quite found it.
------------------------------------------------------------
I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I have nothing.  If i give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.  1 Cor. 13:2-3.  According to God, we are here to love.  Not much else really matters.  


What is love?  


Rachael is patient
Rachael is kind
Rachael does not envy or boast
Rachael is not arrogant or rude
Rachael does not insist on her own way
Rachael is not irritable or resentful
Rachael rejoices with the truth
Rachael bears all things
Rachael believes all things
Rachael hopes all things

This is the standard I must hold myself to every day.  It's always a work in progress.  But i know that if I compare myself today with myself a year ago, things are better.  That doesn't mean I still don't have a lot of work to do.  Some of it is repairing problems from the past.  Which is really what I'm working on right now. I pray that God will help me to find the right words to say.

Lukewarm people are continually concerned with playing it safe; they are slaves to the god of control.  This focus on safe living keeps them from sacrificing and risking for God.  


Lukewarm people do not live by faith; their lives are structured so that they never have to.  They don't have to trust God if something unexpected happens - they have their savings account.  They don't genuinely seek out what life God would have them live - they have life figured and mapped out.  They don't depend on God on a daily basis - their refrigerators are full and they are in good health.  The truth is, their lives wouldn't look very much different if they stopped believing in God.


..any of you who does not give up everything he has cannot be my disciple.  Luke 14:33
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Tonight I'm contemplating my life and my decisions.  For the longest time, I really believed that moving here was a terrible decision and a huge mistake.  I think that way of thinking was wrong.  I've been trying to learn a lesson for a long time.  I'm just stubborn and not learning it very well.  Instead of praying and depending on God, I complained and pushed people away from me.  God gave me so many opportunities, but I mostly ignored them. I was too busy thinking selfishly and not seeing the big picture.  And then the brian thing, well until a long time after that started, I still wasn't getting it.  At some point  not getting it becomes exhausting.

I don't want to be safe.  I want to put everything on the line. I'm trying.  I need to try hard.

Dear Lord,
Please help me to try harder.  At everything.  Try harder at being vulnerable.
Try harder at doing what you ask.  Try harder at being patient with Brian.
Try harder at work.  Try harder at not sinning.  Just try harder at living the life you demand.
Amen.

Amends

Last night was hard, I feel like there are a couple of things that I need to address before I can really let go of a few specific things.

1.  Insincerity - I feel like I'm being insincere at times, or saying/thinking/doing things for the wrong reasons.  I'm trying to change this.  I'm trying to be as sincere as possible.  This is something I need to ask for help with each and every day.  For me, the insincerity springs from dishonesty.  Even though i that God knows everything - my motives, things I don't even understand myself, everything, it still feels like if i just ignore certain things, don't say them out loud, they aren't real, or they won't be held against me.  I know this is wrong.  For me, saying the kinds of things I don't want to admit out loud (or typing them) really makes them real.  It's a lot harder for me to ask for forgiveness when I have to really spell out what it is I have done.  In order to force this on myself, I will elaborate below.

2.  Dishonesty -

a.  I make excuses for myself to make myself feel better about things. One of my favorite excuses is that I can bend the rules if I love someone.  Numerous quizzes have told me, and I agree, that the primary way that I show love is through physical touch.  This gets me into trouble.  I let things go much farther than I should in general because it makes me feel loved.  I show no real boundaries with specific people because I love them.  Just because I'm fairly prudish, I still do this just as sinfully as anyone else.  I know that it's a problem, because I've been constantly limited b/c of my guilt.  I think on a lot of levels I'm prudish b/c I feel guilty.  The amount of guilt is relative to the perceived severity.  I remember the exact moment that I started feeling a lot less guilty with Brian.  I think that it coincides with the moment i realized that I was in love with him.  Nothing changed, except for how I felt.  But i remember every detail, exactly where we were, exactly what I was wearing, exactly how it felt.  I felt better about it, b/c on some level I thought it was okay b/c i loved him and in my head  this would last forever and I thought I was finally understanding what I thought he felt for quite some time. I was wrong.

It doesn't matter.  I have to stop making these kinda of excuses.  The rules don't get bent for me.  The rules are made to protect me. Maybe if i had followed the rules in the first place, I wouldn't have the feelings I have now.    Maybe i'd be less upset.  Maybe I'd feel less dirty.  Maybe I wouldn't want to be alone forever.  This is entirely my fault.  My life is a series of repercussions for the bad decisions I've made.

Sad thing is, I wouldn't go back and change it. At least I don't think I would.  Even for lack of pain and complete happiness now, it's too much to give up.  It means too much to me.  

b. I don't understand my own motives.  I don't know if it's that I don't know what I actually want.  Or if my only motive is selfishness.  Or maybe if my motive is to make it better, to fix things.  I really have no idea.  I worry that I only feel like i'm dying inside because I haven't gotten my own way.  I hope this isn't true.  It would be extremely disturbing to think that I would feel this bad and throw more than a year long temper tantrum just because I want to get my own way.  But I worry that it's possible.  I just want to know that isn't true.  I don't think it's true, but it's always in the back of my mind.  The second option is just as bad.  What if my only motive is selfishness?  Even if I would be completely and totally happy with Brian, is it worth it if he would be miserable?  Absolutely not.  I don't even know how I could be happy if he wasn't.  It's generally somewhat comforting to me to think that he is really happy - although I'm not sure I really believe that and he's done a terrible job at saying it.  Again, I hope this isn't true.  I pray to not be selfish.  But i still worry about it.  Or maybe it's the latter option, maybe I just want the opportunity to repair things, so that I don't have to blame myself.  Again, this is really just a repeat of selfishness.  I don't want to feel bad, I don't want to believe that this is my fault.  If it doesn't work out, I want it to be not because of me.  I want it to be a mutually agreed upon decision that everyone made with their best interests at heart.

I guess there is also the option of being right. I shouldn't be so hard on myself and exclude this one.  Maybe I'm right.  Maybe this isn't the way that things are supposed to be.  Maybe he is making a gigantic mistake and needs to be stopped before it's too late.

How do I know what to do if I can't even figure out what my true motive is.  I pray about this.  I have done so continuously for over a year.  Either I don't know how to understand the answer, or I haven't gotten one. Maybe the answer is simply all of the above.  I've tried to back off, especially now.  There's nothing more I can do.  I've made how I feel completely clear.  I would answer in detail and honestly any question put to me and I would do anything to make this work.  Anything isn't too much to ask, considering the things I've put him through.  Anything doesn't matter, because there's nothing he wants.  Except for maybe for me to not exist.  Or for me to hate him.  He's tried really hard on that one, and I've tried really hard too.  This would all be so much easier if I did.  I just can't.  The more it sinks in, the less anger I have.  Most of the anger I can muster is really at myself.  I think that's really why I get so emotional over this.  I'm generally not a crier.  But when I'm this upset with myself, I can't even express myself.  I just cry constantly.  I truly have nothing to offer.  I am small, insignificant, with no track records of success.  Despite what I can aspire to, I have nothing to offer, and no one should bet on me to win the race.

c.  I continue to make Michelle uncomfortable, even though I know I am doing so.  It doesn't matter if it's unreasonable.  It doesn't matter if it's funny.  It doesn't matter if it makes me feel better.  What does matter is that I know it makes her uncomfortable and I continue to do it.  That's all that matters.  It's really been impressed upon me that I have to find a way to fix that.  I've been thinking of some things.  I have a habit of coming off too strong - singing telegrams are not a good idea when someone feels invaded by you in the first place.  I do have an idea.  I just have to work on it.  It's something that I need to make a priority.  Everyone has to made amends to improve their life.  This is just a hard one for me because I don't feel like I've done anything wrong.  I need to remember that it doesn't matter if I didn't do anything wrong.  I know how it was making her feel and I didn't care.  This is what is wrong.  This is what I need to apologize for.  I should give myself a deadline - May 31.  This is the date that I have to have this taken care of by.  All i can do is be completely sincere and honest and ask for her forgiveness.  How she responds to it is her problem, and nothing I should be worried about.  I don't want to send it to her directly even though I could.  I feel like it doesn't help my creep factor.  I don't want to send it through Brian.  I don't really want it to be in his face that it's happening.  It might even be nice if he didn't know about.  Not that i'm sure she would tell him.  But maybe it'd be nice to ask her to consider not telling him.  Maybe I'll talk to Erica.  It's the best middle ground I know of.  I'll keep thinking about it.  But i have to make this a priority, I can't let go of this situation and leave it up to God until I've done the things I need to do.

It's not like this is an exhaustive list of what I have done, or am doing wrong, but it's a start.  This is a work in progress.  It sucks that I can't just say 'Dear Lord, Take this from me.  Let it be as you wish it to be.' and not worry about it anymore.  It's just not that easy.  But today I'm taking the first steps at removing this from my shoulders.  Maybe I'll feel just a smidge better tomorrow.  Maybe.

Not completely my thing, but really speaks to how I feel right now.  It's been easy to find music to fit my mood, but hard to find music to improve it.

Today was rough.  Today I was caught up in myself.  Tonight I've been bombarding myself with how wrong that is.  I'm trying to be caught up in myself less often, much less often.

Worry says that we don't quite trust that God is big enough, powerful enough, loving enough to take care of it.
Stress says that we think the things we are involved in our important enough to merit placing God behind them.

Stress and worry are the crutches I lean on, the mountains I hide behind, and the biggest issue that I need to deal with.  I worry that no one will ever love me for who I am.  I worry that I won't be able to live up to others and my own expectations.  I worry about getting my work done.  I worry about getting to work on time.  I worry about my family.  I worry about everything.  I stress about work.  I stress about my personal life.  I feel so overwhelmed by stress that I don't have time to devote to God.  My goal is to try to redirect my stress and worrying whenever I catch myself doing it.  This is not an easy task, but I'm determined to try.

Dear Heavenly Father -
Tonight I want to hand over all my stress and worries to you and trust that you will take care of them.  I say I want to and not that I will because I recognize how difficult this is for me.  Please forgive me for the difficulties I have in giving up control and acknowledging that everything is in your control.  This is your world.  We are here to praise you and operate at your command.  Please be with me as I go to sleep and hand over each worry to you, one-by-one and help me to recognize the peace and happiness that this brings.
In Jesus Name
Amen

Have to double down tonight to make up for yesterday.  I'm sorry for that.  I'm trying really hard not to skip a day, to spend at least 30 minutes of my time studying, thinking, praying.  30 minutes is nothing - it's insignificant in my day and insignificant to a God so large.  It truly is the least I can do.  

Days like today, I forget that I already have everything I need in him.  Every time I let myself feel like I can't get out of bed in the morning, or can't focus, or just want to sit around and cry, I'm being incredibly short sighted, and selfish.  I feel like a part of me is missing and I can't get it back.  I'm wrong.  I have everything I need.  I just need to refocus.  

I don't get to decide who God is.  I can't escape him, even if I want to.  Even in the darkness, the middle of the night, when I can't sleep, and I'm crying.. he knows I'm being selfish.  He knows that I know I'm being selfish.  There are people with real problems.  I am not one of them.  I am so lucky.  Tomorrow I need to go running, and I'm grateful for that.  I can run.  Frankly, it's amazing that I can even walk.  I have everything and everyone I need to be perfectly and blissfully happy.  Why can't I just see that?

Francis Chan says... The most important thing about us, about who we truly are, is what comes into our mind when we think of God.  The very core of what unites us with others is what we in our "deep heart conceive God to be like."  We should choose our friends, our spouses, based on their answer to this question, and this question alone.  Everything else will fall into place.  

I love that idea.  The very core of who we are really is related to what we feel about God.  And we don't put enough time into talking about it.  

Heavenly Father, 

Please forgive me tonight for making my life so cluttered and busy that I can't even spend half an hour purely focused on you.  Please be with me as I lay down to sleep and speak with me.  Again, I want the opportunity to ask the important questions to the people I love, to really know if I'm on the right path, and to feel peace with the answer.  You know me, I can't hide from you, you know that I would run away to Vegas and get married tomorrow and truly believe that everything would work itself out.  I know this optimism only creates disappointment.  I have to leave this decision to you and have faith that things will work out as you want them to.  Everything operates on your whim and for you.  Please help me to have peace with that.

In Jesus' Name I Pray

Amen

Dear Heavenly Father,
It's good to be reminded that your laws aren't in place to keep us down or bind us, but to protect us from hurt and to create the happiest existence possible on this earth.  It's so easy to fall into the trap of feeling like the rules are constricting and keeping me from what I want to do.  Please help me to remember that what I want to do is dumb, what you demand from me is what is necessary.  Please help me to relinquish control of my life, especially regarding Brian.  I really miss Brian.  The few small reminders of how things could be, of the dynamic, just reminded me of old things and stirred up old feelings.  I don't understand this.  I can't deal with this on my own.  I know that I have to be patient, to continue to leave this up to you.  Please help me to not interrupt or misconstrue your plan.  I just want to do the right thing.  Please be with me and help me to focus my thoughts as I go to sleep.
In Jesus Name I Pray
Amen

Today is a day to marvel.  How can anyone look at God's creation and not believe.  Today I'm not going to ask for anything.  It was disheartening to hear of our president's endorsement today, to know how many more people will be accepting and tolerating and encouraging of sin.  Maybe he should take some time to really look around.

I bought two new books.  So far i'm enthralled with Crazy Love. "The wise man comes to God without saying a word and stands in awe of him." Through his creation we can understand more about him.  It's not that it's really new or different, it's just want I need to hear right now.  Something positive.  Something to make me excited.  Something that makes me want to be a part of this world and not just go through the motions.  I feel like I've been walking around like a zombie for the last year. Not living, not really going anywhere.  Preferring to live in my daydreams, where things are happy and the way they are supposed to be.  Wanting to live anywhere, but here, in this life, by myself.

I also bought Lost Scriptures, that's where I'm going next.  Sometimes I think about joining a real scholarly bible study.  Only I can't find any.  Maybe I need to create my own.  Or maybe it needs to be more of a book club, because a lot of people that go to these kinds of things would be offended by the things I want to read.  Ever since The Missionary Position, i've been really interested in knowing as much as I can know and learn and understand.

Dear Lord,
Tonight, just be with me as I go to sleep.  Protect and help those I love.  You light up my world like no one else.  Let me tell you that on repeat.
Amen.

Dear Heavenly Father, I love you and I need you.  More than ever.  I'm so sick and tired of not living up to your standards.  Of not being the best person I can be.  The fact that you aren't disgusted with me, that you love me no matter what, that you continue to give me chances leaves me amazed.  I'm sorry that I continue to make selfish choices despite knowing what you want for me.  I'm sorry that you provided me with numerous opportunities for happiness with a strong Christian role model, and I ignored them.  More than ignored them, walked all over them, and tossed them in the trash.  I know that moving to Missouri is the right choice for me right now.  I know that I need to make my family an even more important part of my life than it already is.  I know that I need to be faithfully involved with a community and church group.  I know that love is patient and kind, not demanding, jealous, and judgmental.  Just as you are patient and kind to me, and I have to work harder to be patient and kind to those I love.

Please help me to forgive Brian, and treat him with all the patience and kindness that he deserves.  Please be with him.  I know that he really needs you right now.  Your guidance and support are invaluable.  I pray that he is blessed with a relationship that lasts for life, waking up each and every day being grateful for the life you have blessed him with.  Particularly, I pray that you send him guidance regarding his career path and help him to place himself in the right place to serve you to the greatest extent possible.

Please help me to stop resenting the suffering I feel, and use it to become closer to you.  My suffering and rejection cannot compare to the way you must feel every time I make a wrong choice, or knowingly turn away from you.  I'm so sorry for this.  I can't say it won't continue to happen, but I sincerely am sorry and am trying to find a better way.

Please be with me as I fall asleep and help me to keep my thoughts pure.  I love imagining all the ways that I can show and prove my love, but it's selfish of me to imagine them with Brian.  Please help me to keep Brian from my thoughts tonight.  and every night.  I have to learn that love means letting go.

In Jesus' Name I Pray
Amen

Heavenly Father,
Today is a day to listen and not talk.
I want to be sure that I'm not talking over you.
or interrupting before your done.
I've known since I was like 12 that I'm supposed to be doing something.
I just need to put more effort into figuring out that something.
Which is why I need to listen.
And then actually act on the answers.
Amen.

No matter how many hours I spend praying, the message hasn't changed.
The perfect life was provided for me.
The perfect person.
And I threw it away.
Me.  No one else.  Just me.
This is a really tough lesson to learn.
I pray that I stop having to learn it.
I don't need anything except for my God to give me hope.
I will not stop hoping.
Until the last day of my life.

1. Pray

The most important place to begin is to pray (or continue praying) about this call you sense. Your feeling that God is calling you is not some fluke or self-conjured up idea; it is a gift from God, an invitation into a deeper relationship with God. No matter how your vocation ends up expressing itself (nun, spouse, parent, teacher, advocate, etc.), you are being called right here, right now, to draw closer to God.

Be open to listening to God, no matter how crazy or confusing it feels. Embrace the possibility of whatever God has in mind for you. It may be a radical shift to a different way of life than you imagined for yourself, or it may be something you’ve kinda known all along. And it could be both!

Remain faithful to pray even when it is difficult or feels like it is going nowhere. Spend more time in prayer and/or be more intentional in the prayer time that you already have. If you are used to praying first thing in the morning, consider praying again before you go to bed. Review your day and ask God to help you see how God has been with you in the daily stuff of life. If you are drawn to the Rosary, consider praying the Rosary with the specific intention of knowing more deeply how Mary and how Jesus responded to their calling.

Read scripture, particularly the stories of people trying to figure out how God is calling them and how they can respond. Here are some of those stories (for more check out this listing of Bible stories from vocations.ca):

• Mary (Luke 1:26-38)
• Ruth (Book of Ruth 1:15-18)
• Disciples (John 1:35-50)
• Jeremiah (Jeremiah 1: 4-10)
• Isaiah (Isaiah 6:1-10; 49:1-6)
• Samuel (1 Samuel 3:1-21)
• John and Peter (Matthew 4:18-22)
• Paul (Romans 1:1-7; Acts of the Apostles 9:1-19)

Imagine yourself in the story. How would you respond? What words is God speaking to you?

Pray with others. Participate in the Eucharistic Liturgy, attend to a bible study or faith-sharing group, pray with others who can encourage and support you.

Love Language Scores: 6 Words of Affirmation 8 Quality Time 5 Receiving Gifts 2 Acts of Service 9 Physical Touch Interpreting and Using Your Profile Score: The highest score indicates your primary love language (the highest score is 12). It's not uncommon to have two high scores, although one language does have a slight edge for most people. That just means two languages are important to you. The lower scores indicate those languages you seldom use to communicate love and which probably don't affect you very much on an emotional level.
Physical Touch A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, and thoughtful touches on the arm—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Apology Language Scores: 5 Expressing Regret 3 Accepting Responsibility 4 Making Restitution 7 Genuinely Repenting 1 Requesting Apology Interpreting and Using Your Profile Score: The highest score indicates your primary apology language (the highest score possible is 20). It's not uncommon to have two high scores, although one language does have a slight edge for most people. That just means you may feel equally receptive to two or more of the apology languages.
Genuinely Repenting You have chosen Genuinely Repenting as your primary Apology Language. You are most able to forgive someone who offends you when they are willing to change in order to avoid hurting you again.

I humbly seek healing as I suffer from a broken relationship.  
Grant me the grace of true forgiveness, to let go of my bitterness, anger, resentment, and choose to forgive.
Even forgive for not forgiving me.  

Lord, you know all things, you can do all things, through you all things are possible.
I know you love me as you love Brian, and want that neither of us should hurt.  
Please help us both to see things from your point of view and through your eyes.
Help us allow your love to break down all walls and restore this damaged relationship.
Lead us to seek and follow your divine plan for our lives - no matter how difficult that may be and how different it may be from our own will.  
Lord, fill the emptiness in my heart with your love. 


In Jesus Name I pray, Amen.  

okay, so i had an infinite amount of chances to fix this
i didn't deserve even one
this isn't about what I deserve
it's about what you deserve
and you deserve to have this pain be gone
you deserve to be the bigger person
the person that turns his cheek over and over
and never stops letting himself be walked upon
you used to be that person
i took advantage
it was wrong
but the way you handled it
was perfection
pray without ceasing as I am doing
and tell me that you're making the right decision

if you're still sure you're right
maybe we're really not praying to the same God

i want to be a healer of the emotional variety
i would turn down the lights
add some music
massage away the pain
replacing it with the truth of how special you are
just think quietly to yourself
contemplate who you are
who you will be
the greatness inside of you
stop being scared of it
stop being scared of me
when a 10 is achievable
who settles for a 6
you deserve more
let me show you

It's been awhile. I've been busy.  Getting sworn in to practice law in Missouri was a big deal.
Passing the bar in Missouri was a big deal.  Even if no one thought it was.  Stacey promised me a mylar balloon.  She lied.  I've never gotten one of those balloons.  It's only like 2 dollars.  I wish someone thought it was a big enough deal to get me a balloon.  I guess I was the only one who was worried about passing.  I guess I should have been more confident about it.  Regardless, it's still a BIG deal.

I'm really nervous about this weekend.  I'm really stressed about work - multiple reasons.  First, last week I was out 1/2 day Monday and all day Tuesday with hearings.  I got home at midnight on Tuesday and worked all day Wednesday (until really like, like 8pm).  Then I was out all day Thursday and Friday for the bar swearing in and such.  Basically, I was gone the whole week.

My assistant Sabrina was out 1/2 day Thursday, all day Friday, and all day today (Wednesday).  Life is really really hard when she is out of the office.  There is way too much work for me to do alone, especially considering I'm still behind from last week and I have 5 hearings to prep for on Monday in Fort Collins.
I'm also stressed about giving my notice.  I'm planning to do it next Tuesday.  I'm scared.  I've never really quit a job before.

So stress plus nerves equals bad.  It makes me fat.  I hate this weight roller coaster of the last year.  I know that some people have it a lot worse and I shouldn't complain.  But I never really had the crazy emotional weight loss/weight gain issues until the last year.  I had lost so much weight at one point, now I"m unhappy at anything above that low.  And everytime I get stressed and nervous, things get out of control.

This is a lame thing to be blogging about.  I need to think of something more interesting.  Maybe later.

I really hope Brian shows up.  For the right reasons.  Showing up for the wrong reasons would be devastating. I'm glad I have Sunday to not get out of bed all day just in case.