If you wanted to drive me crazy, this is how you do it.
the waiting is excruciating - I can think of nothing else.
Come to your senses or get so far out of my life that i never have to see or hear about you ever again - those are the only two humane options.

i'm frustrated at myself, i just can't contain my emotions

i've never really been able to that well

when i have a problem, i just get stuck on a single note, one track

i have to fix it before I can concentrate on anything else

and it's really affecting my ability to study for the bar

i'm frustrated that I had a 4 hour chunk of time yesterday to study for the bar exam, with no real distractions and I managed to not even study one tiny little bit.

Instead I freaked, walked out of the airport, seriously considered ditching my flight all together

I just think that if Brian and i could really talk, this could all be worked out

Or i guess I could have found Michelle sleeping and strangled her - because I'm clearly the type of person who strangles people.

My logic finally go the best of me. I went back in the airport. Went back through security. Cried in the bathroom for a while. And then it was pretty much time to get on my plane.

Yes, that is how I killed 4 hours in the Denver airport.

no news is good news

no news is good news

no news is good news

no news is good news

No, news is good news

No, news is good news

No, news is good news

No, news is good news

"No" news is good news

"No" news is good news

Is news even a word?

when do you throw in the towel

and admit that a lost cause is a lost cause?

when can you be too tired to fight anymore?

when do you give up?

i think the real answer is never.

even though sometimes it feels like you should.

sometimes you want to.
but then you hear a song

or see a face

or recall a memory

and you realize you can never give up

you can change your mind

decide that you want something else

go down a different path

with no regrets

knowing that you made the correct decision

and you didn't give up on any of your dreams

i'm not there yet

i haven't given up

and i don't plan on it.

today's email

Everyday it's becoming more and more clear

Obviously I've done some things that I regret

mistakes I guess you could say

One of them was really not realizing the full implications

of this way of life

a smart person would have known

that really i would rather have brian in my life

in some way, any way

rather than no way

talking to him once a month

is better than not talking at all

even though it didn't seem that way at the time

it seemed like maybe this would get it out of my system

but that's not true

it just makes me depressed

it doesn't mean i don't want more

but something is better than nothing

and right now I really want

need

something

someone to share life with

it's hard when i'm this stressed

work, the bar, daniel, my dad

it's overwhelming a lot of the time

when you add brian stress

i worry it might kill me

or just give me an ulcer

practicing self-control

but i just don't know if it's for the best

days like today

i just want to ask a simple question

do you want to fix this?

and if you don't

then do it

it's not that hard

Some awkward things I've been keeping secret kinda pain me.

I'm not lying about them, but I'm definitely not volunteering any information.

I feel kinda guilty bc I know that I'm keeping it secret bc i'm afraid people will think i'm doing certain things for the wrong reasons, and maybe I am, but I don't want to be judged

I was going to a bible study for a while, it was non-denominational, everyone was WAY to liberal and annoying. Someone I met there invited me to a different group, and we've been going to that one instead. And it's a Catholic group.

Everyone there is great. And much more my speed. A couple of people have talked to me about going to RCIA. The leader, specifically, has a really great argument. It's just to learn - there's no requirement that I convert just because I want to learn more about the church. He's right. But i've still been struggling with this personally. I don't want to do this just because I somehow think that it will make things better with Brian.

Besides, I doubt that's true anyway. He wouldn't even know about it. All my friends are so hands off. Stacey and I had another minor tiff about it today. I don't want to encourage her to get involved - I want her to want to get involved. To me, it seems like if she really cared about me - she wouldn't be able to not get involved. I know I can't hold her to that standard, she's not me. But if it were me, and she were in this kind of shape - I would have inserted myself by now.

Even if she just found out how Brian was doing. I'm curious. It's one of those days where I have trouble being mad at him because I just miss him so much. I don't know why I couldn't have realized how great things were when I had the chance - when we were still friends.

I wish he knew how much I missed him.

I'm tired - I just can't stop thinking about this.

Better luck tomorrow.

I can even explain how much this hurts.

I just want it to stop hurting.

I'll do anything.

what i want to say

today i wanted to email you

really badly

i'm still thinking about it

but here's what I would say.

First, I really miss you.

Second, I forgive you for not feeling the same way I do. It's really not your fault - of all people I should know - you can't make yourself feel a way that you don't. And it's always impossible to really understand how terrible the other person feels. I can't expect you to understand. But this I can get over. This i can move past - and I'm working on that. If I'm not the one thing you can't stop thinking about. If i'm not the image that pops into your head when you're trying to fall asleep. If there's nothing cloudy about it. If that's really the case, even if I disagree, I can get past this.

On my end, I have to let myself get over it. I have to force myself to believe you. But it's hard when you do things that make it hard for me to believe you. I hear your words, I see your actions, but somehow it's not enough. I guess what I expect is for you to be so happy and excited about her that you want to force her on everyone you care about; constantly talk about how great she is; how much we will love her; that you want others to see and feel whatever it is that you see. I've never felt like you felt like that. It's never outwardly really seemed like you actually care about her. I'm not saying you don't. I'm saying that I can't see it - and it makes it harder for me to let go of it.

Or maybe it's not that at all, maybe it's just because it's me, maybe it's personal... bring us to the third point.

Third, I don't forgive you for the way you have treated me and continue to treat me. I want to, but I just can't yet. It's hard to forgive someone who's just not sorry.

This is not how you treat a best friend. You don't give up on them when things get rough. The only reason to do that is if you didn't care about them that much in the first place. It feels like you're just hiding from your problems instead of dealing with them. This was never at a point where it couldn't be fixed, it just got to a point where you didn't want to fix it. I can't beg you to care, or to be my friend, or to show me why you're new "friend" is so great. I also can't beg you to do things to soften the blow just a little bit for me - like to personally tell me about big news before I see it on the internet. I can't beg you to be a good human being. Deep down, I know you are - the Brian I know would never have done this to a friend. And would be sorry about it. And would try to fix it. I just don't understand what happened to that person.

I acknowledge my part in this - that I've been a jerk and didn't act at all like a best friend. But that doesn't mean it wasn't there. Losing your stuffed dog is just a metaphor for the way I always treated our friendship. I didn't care about it enough to make sure it didn't get lost. I didn't protect it, or make sure I knew how it was going, I didn't cherish it or us enough. And I feel terrible about that. The best change I can make is to not do that in the future. But I can't fix the past. I keep hoping that if I find the dog, that will somehow mean that I can fix it.

I would literally give anything to be privy to your thoughts right now.

to know what you really think and feel

not what you want people to think

or what you say

I wish i could just ask you

that we could be friends, who talk, who work through it

I thought I was shut off about my feelings

but the one reason this isn't really resolved

is that you can't open yourself up enough

to just talk about it

i know you think it's been talked about a million times

but i disagree

i mean real talking about it

sharing how we feel, in detail, no matter how uncomfortable

even if it takes the entire night

and it probably would

my only goal at this point

is to have no regrets

and right now you're making that really hard

I'm sorry I fell in love with you at the wrong time.

Long Day; Long Week

I'm not just like everyone else.

This situtation is unique - it's not the same one that all these complaining people on the internet are going through....

they say...

have respect for yourself and know that you're better than pining after someone who doesn't even care how you feel

they say...

stop living in a fantasy world and deal with reality the way it is, accept people as they are

I don't think they're wrong, except for me, in this situation right now:

I have self-respect. Sometimes I feel pathetic, but it's just societies influence telling me that I should feel pathetic. It's not me. I firmly believe that when you want something you work for it, you don't just give up because things get a little rough. What kind of self-respect would I have if I just gave up without knowing that I literally did everything that I could do.

And no, I still don't believe that I've done everything that I can do. I'm not sure exactly what it is that I need to do, but I know for a fact I have not exhausted all options.

Second, I'm not living in a fantasy world. I don't sit around thinking about what a perfect world would be like - well most of the time anyway. I just firmly believe that reality is not as it appears.

I absolutely do not believe with any part of my soul that this is over. It does not work that way. I will not let it. Evenmoreso lately, I really love him. Enough to try my hardest to let him realize his situation on his own and to fix it. I pray for him daily. I pray for her too, that's she's eventually happy and becomes a better person. Don't worry, I also pray that I become a better person.

I believe that he loves me. That he always will. That he just needs to accept that and take a chance. You cannot have magic if you aren't willing to risk something. I'm not the one that should be saying this - I've never been willing to risk anything in the past, but it's still true.

It's not easy. It will never be easy. But you're worth it to me. Stop just taking the easy way out.

And everyone stop thinking I'm crazy and I have no reason to believe these things. I don't know what kind of reason you're looking for but I have all the reason I need. I have faith and I know what I feel and I know what it felt like the last time we touched. And I will never forget that feeling.

i don't know if i'm going to get through today

i'm not unmotivated

i'm just pathetic

i just can't seem to be motivated for anything for the right reasons

i feel like a piece of shit

i worked out this morning

because if i lose weight maybe brian will like me more

i studied for the bar at lunch

because if i'm closer to brian, he has less option to avoid me

i yelled at daniel about finding my missing stuff

because i really want the stuffed animal that belonged to brian

i watched some "how i met your mother"

because brian likes that show and maybe it'll make me more interesting

i read a book - only like 10 pages, but i don't have that much time

because reading books makes people smarter and maybe brian will like me more

I tried really hard today - it being the first day of a new year and all. I didn't cry. I didn't whine to Stacey. I just tried to let it go. The problem is, i don't know how people are supposed to just let things go - yes, i understand that you have to want to and I do want to. But at the same time, how can you just let something go when you feel that it's true to the very core of your existence?

I guess that sounds weird, but I don't know how else to explain it. Every part of me completely believes that Brian is making a huge mistake, it's like I can feel it in my bones - which is even weirder I admit.

How can something be wrong when it feels so right? I've been praying about this for months - the best criticism I can get is that I must not be listening to the answer, but I swear that i'm listening as hard as possible. I lay in bed every night, I'm never very good at words, but it goes something like this in my head...

...Sometime I feel like I may have missed the opportunity you placed in front of me to be happy. Please help me to understand the love I feel inside and to use it to further your plan. Please take my will and mold it to yours. Please help me to stop feeling this hurt and to start healing and if i must continue to feel this, please comfort me. Please help me to know your will in this - if i must learn, please open my heart so that I may be more willing to learn. I pray for them, that they are open to your word and that you speak to them so they may choose the right path. If they are on the right path, please allow me to feel joy and to let go of any negativity..... etc, etc, etc.

Everyday, without ceasing, i don't know or understand what else I'm supposed to do. Yet every morning, I still wake up with a certain belief that this is not the way things are supposed to be. That given a proper chance - with mutual effort and prayer - Brian and I could, should create magic.

I'm a stupid girl. I believe in magic. And that anything can happen. And that if i'm really good - and ask nicely enough, at night in my prayers - God will let me speak to Brian, in a way that he can hear me. Like I said, I'm a stupid girl. But I just can't shake this.

I feel like I'm exhausted everything I have - I've talked to friends, a counselor, my mom, God.

No one can help me - because my fundamental belief that Brian loves me can't be shaken. The counselor says - let's assume that's not true and work from their - WASTE OF TIME - we can assume that all you want, but I don't believe it - so it doesn't matter.

It's not that I don't have every reason to let go of that belief - I just can't - it feels truer than the sun rising in the east and setting in the west everyday. If someone told me to just assume the sun didn't do that, it would be hard to do that as well. I don't just believe it - something in me knows it.

Stacey's latest suggestion is that I really need to hear it from Brian himself - face to face. I said that's great - let's go to Denver. She refused. She said she was unwilling to deal with picking up the pieces after it sank in and that she didn't trust what I might do. Great.