I can't sleep.
Same problem as every night.
Same reason I have trouble getting up in the morning.
I wish I felt God more when I was praying.
Maybe that's to push me to learn my p&w songs on guitar
that's when i feel closest to God.
So i should do it more.

I think i need some anti-depressants.

The vision is that we actually believe these things…

You were created to love and be loved.  You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you're part of a bigger story.  You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world.  My friend Byron is very smart - he says that life is hard for most people most of the time.  We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments.  You need to know that you're not alone in the places you feel stuck. 

We all wake to the human condition.  We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss.  Millions of people live with problems of pain.  Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay.  We know that pain is very real.  It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real. 

You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption.  We're seeing it happen.  We're seeing lives change as people get the help they need.  People sitting across from a counselor for the first time.  People stepping into treatment.  In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline.  We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take.  We want to say here that it's worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it's possible to change. 

Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone. 

The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.  

The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles. 

The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.

The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.

The vision is better endings.  The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships.  The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love.  The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise.  The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.  

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.  

The vision is the possibility that we're more loved than we'll ever know.  

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.

I

Today I was me, predictably me.
Let me digress:  yesterday I was pummeled by work, exhausted, and ready to check out.
Today is predictably me, I'm exactly like I always am after a rough day of work, how you would expect someone to be after their Paris room office is stolen - me.

Hence, I'm writing this and not one of the other 197 things I could be doing
Finishing my book - not that I need to read much.  Already this year I have far exceeded my reading goals, in 2012 so far I have read:

The Hunger Games Trilogy
The Help
Humanae Vitae (finished in 2012)
Blink
The Girl Who Kicked the Hornet's Nest (90% finished)

For a total of 6+ book so far in 2012.  My goal for the whole year is 12.  We all know that I like reading, but this rate has to slow down.   I have too many other things to do.

Catching up on TV shows.  I only watch about 87 shows regularly.  Good thing they aren't all on at the same time.  Ok, so it's not 87 - more like 20.  Still.

Writing.  I try to work on writing everyday.  Even if it's just prayers - I got that from The Help.  It helps me to focus my attention and I don't lose my place as easily.  And writing helps some things to sink in.  Which is probably good.  I still cringe when i write the part about Michelle and Brian.  Apparently the goal is to do it until you stop feeling that way.  This could take the rest of my life.

Sewing.  haha, sounds dumb.  But i did get that sewing machine for Christmas and Stace and I are getting ready to start on our quilts - I gotta make sure they don't look dumb when they come out, which requires a little bit of practicing first.  I haven't really used a sewing machine since I was in the 8th grade.  I need the practice.  But i'm super excited about our project.  I'm such a craft dork.

Working out.  I'm good at this.  But it's hard to always have the two hours a day I need.  But I know that time is required if I want to reach my ultimate goal of 145.  I was only 20 lbs away.  Then the slippage happened, but I'll be back there soon. It's easier now that the bar exam is over.  I spent the last couple of weeks up to the exam eating pretty terribly.

Anyway, those are just some of things I could be doing right now instead of wasting my time here with nonsense.  Or I guess I could be setting some fires.  Not today.  Maybe next time.

I'm trying so hard
i can't understand why it's not working.
i don't complain all the time
but this is a place to vent
why does everyone have to get in my way
when i'm trying to do the right thing
or to make things work out
i am continuously met with resistance.

this just needs to be over.
now.