I don't know what to do.
My dad is dying.
And all he wants is for me to be happy.
And this all becomes apparent to me at the time that I'm the most unhappy i've been in my entire life.
He knows.
He said that I didn't need to tell him about it, but I need to do whatever I need to do for myself to fix it.
It's frustrating because I don't know what that is.
I'm not happy without Brian in my life.

12 days down. 19 more available.

I feel alone. I have a feeling that Brian hasn't looked at this, hasn't thought about me, I've been feeling that way for a few days now. I'm usually pretty good at these feels. I guess I just think that if by chance he happened to read this, things wouldn't be the way they are.

I think that's called hope. As long as I have hope, I have the potential to be happy. Don't let me give up.

Today was the worst one yet. I really didn't believe that I could feel worse - maybe it's not worse though, it's just different.

Everyday I go to work a little later. I'm lucky that they are letting me get away with this, I'm lucky that I haven't gotten in trouble, or even worse fired.

It's not that i'm staying up too late, I just don't feel like getting out of bed, I don't really feel like doing anything.

Today I was just lying here thinking about contacting brian in some way - it's stupid, I don't know what I would say. Either something angry that would not be worth responding too, or something that just highlights how sad I am. Nothing has changed on my end, I'm not a different person, I don't feel differently so really there's no point.

Just because I miss him terribly - and realize more so everyday all the things that I liked to talk to him about. Just because I'm devastated not having the opportunity to know what's going on in his life. Just because I love him. Just because I don't necessarily agree with his decisions. Just because everything that doesn't matter.

The only reason I can rationally have for talking to him is if there's something different on my end. If i wake up a different person, if I stop wanting to die. That's not happening. If anything it's just getting worse, and I'm done talking about it to stupid shrinks, i'm done making stacey listen to it daily, I'm done telling the nonexistant world about here, I'm just done. So i just let it all sit inside of me and poison me.

I hate that I hate Brian. For ruining me. I don't think i'm ever going to be normal or like myself or be happy ever again. There's nothing that can fix it. Well that's not true - it can be fixed. But time is running out - there are only 20 days left. If the first 11 were this hard, I'm not ever I can make it through 20 more.

I pray that I somehow forget him tonight. Goodnight.

I'm so upset at you right now.
I really want to text you - Stacey convinced me that it wouldn't be a good idea.
I don't know if she's right, but I listened to her.

All I wanted to say was that i missed you. I miss you everyday. It doesn't change anything. I still feel the same way I did before, we still can't be friends. But i really miss you.

I hope you don't feel like this is on me. I don't want this. I can't stand it. It's the worst feeling ever. But nothing has changed. I can't do anything differently, that's on you. And i wish you would do something differently soon.

I still love you.
for now.

- Rache

if this is a dream please dont wake me. The world is breaking all around me. The sky opens into eternity, the wind blows softly. Deep in thought i close my eyes, deep in song my heart breaks. The world is spinning, spinning out of control.

Time Clicks as I await
The hour ends before my take
Sitting, thinking, waiting; my mind escapes

The day grows old as night passes
Wolves crying, coyotes howling; anticipating
Watching, staring, seeing nothing

Silence begins the day
as morning comes without notice
Tears begin to fall, slowly

The day moves on without hope
Wishing to be what is not to be

The sun moves to its peak
without a whisper or retreat

Time moving, but still empty
Stomach aching, curling
Still waiting

I haven't felt like writing. I still don't.
I just want to bottle it all up right now.
Until it buries me alive.

I will forget what you said to me.
I will forget what you did to me.

I won't forget the way you made me feel.

Looking for someone who loves me at my worst. Not just at my best.

It sucks that I always thought I had that. And I was really wrong. I hope it exists somewhere.

I thought I wasn't going to cry anymore

maybe it's different because i'm convinced this is permanent
and i didn't make this choice
i don't want this
i never wanted this
there's nothing I can do about it
i can't do anything differently than what I'm doing
I have to stand up for myself
that's all i'm doing
at some point I can't just let him keep hurting me

And now i'm alone
And I just don't get it
I don't get the purpose
I hate sleeping - I have bad dreams
Dreams about when I was happy
Dreams about what the future could be like
if there wasn't something wrong with me

I miss him so much.
I've been missing him for 4 months now.
When's it gonna feel better?

Day 2:

I managed to keep myself distracted a lot of the day with grocery shopping and cleaning and doing laundry and such. It's just hard to have the motivation to do anything. I don't really want to get out of bed. Today, Stacey made me.

Now Stacey's asleep, and I'm just sitting here and I can't figure out what to do with myself.

I'm just trying to figure out what the purpose of my life is. Not that I want to be be dead or anything, I just want to stop feeling dead inside. It doesn't matter what I do, it doesn't feel worthwhile. I'm pretty sure I could stay in my room for a month, and no one would really be affected. Nothing I do makes a difference.

Apparently this feeling is supposed to just go away at some point. I hate that answer. I don't want it to just go away, I want to fix it. I want to know that it's not true. I don't want to be ticking days off the calendar til I get to 90 to see if I have to book an appointment at the loony bin.

And i wonder why I live in a world where anything is possible, where I still have dreams of this working out.

It's all the media's fault.

what i want more than anything right now is for this to be hurting him as much as it's hurting me
for it to feel like death and stabbing and awful

maybe feeling that awful can bring clarity
i'm really not a bad person
i'm really not always a jerk
i'm really capable of so much more

One day down, a million more to go.
At least I was busy enough at work to not breakdown.

I just keep hoping this isn't real.